Gut Rumbles

June 08, 2008

Wanting what you can't have

Originally published November 3, 2003

I'll be totally honest here and tell you that I still love my bloodless cunt of an ex-wife. I'll love her until the day I die. I don't own the kind of magic slate that she does to erase memories as if they never happened. I was head-over-heels in love with her and I believed that she was my best friend in the world.

I could never live with her again, because she wasn't content to simply knife me in the back. She had to twist the blade 360 degrees and rub salt in the wound, too. That's her style and she'll go far in the corporate world with that kind of attitude.

I still want her, but I can't have her.

What I fear most in life now is discovering someone else that I want, but I can't have. I don't want to hang my ass out in abandon to have the stump-grinder tear it up again. That shit hurts. So, I have a couple of "fuck buddies" who lay me from time to time and I live alone. I don't commit to anyone and I play everything safe. I keep my ass out of the stump-grinder.

But I miss being in love.

I miss having someone to talk with at night and to snuggle with in the sheets. I miss having someone who trusts me to be strong when I let her know about my fears ahead of time, because I can speak of those fears to her (only her), and I miss having someone who is proud of me when I overcome those fears and succeed. I miss cooking supper for my family. I miss looking up from the book I'm reading or the article I'm writing just to see HER across the room and feel my heart swell just from the sight of her.

I'll probably never know that feeling again. I had it once. But it hurt so goddam bad to lose it that I don't believe I'll ever hazard putting myself in that situation again. I am a gambler, but that's a bet not worth the risk.

Besides, the good ones are already taken.

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