May 26, 2008
Originally PUBLISHED May 14, 2006
My trash can was full, so I removed the garbage bag, twist-tied it shut, and reached in the cabinet below my kitchen sink for a fresh bag. I got the bag all right, but it came with more than I bargained for.
A GODDAMFUCKINGBASTARDSHITASSOHMYGAWDSUMBITCH PALMETTO BUG was clinging to the empty bag, and when I fluffed the plastic before sticking it in my garbage can, the nasty fucker RAN UP MY ARM and disappeared INSIDE MY TEE SHIRT!!!
Incredible hilarity ensued...
I forgot all about the pain in my shoulders. I forgot all about my dignity and my self-respect. I screamed like a girl and performed a crazed St. Vitus dance on my kitchen floor as I ripped off my shirt and shook that disgusting roach out. HOLYFUCKMEDEADIMGONNADIEYOUSHITASS!!!! The bastard took wing on me and FLEW RIGHT INTO MY FACE!!!
Even MORE incredible hilarity ensued...
I finally knocked him down and stomped the creature into a soggy mess on my kitchen floor. I then had to grab a paper towel and scrape the bug-guts offa my bare foot. It was a life-and-death struggle for a moment, but I prevailed, if you call "Dancing With Cockroaches At 5:00 AM" any kind of victory. Bejus! What a way to greet the day.
If you live where Palmetto Bugs do not thrive, let me enlighten you about those critters. They are OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITFUCKFUCKFUCK NASTY. They look like cigar butts with legs, they can fly and they make a sound similar to a ladyfinger firecracker exploding when you stomp on them. They are packed with multi-colored guts that stick to your bare foot, too. And they WILL crawl right inside your tee shirt if they get the chance.
Man. I did NOT need that kind of shit to start my day... If it goes downhill from HERE, it's gonna be a real pisser.
All content © Rob Smith