Gut Rumbles

April 24, 2008

Training day

Originally published April 15, 2003

I dropped off my tax returns at the post office at 0630 this morning. The only reason that I didn't crawl up there and shit down the slot where I put the envelopes is that I couldn't figure out how to assume the proper position. Otherwise, I would have. Take THAT from me TOO, Uncle Sam.

I arrived at the Desoto Hilton at 0645, fifteen minutes ahead of when I was instructed to be there. I wasn't warned about the hour-long breakfast that followed. I don't eat breakfast at 0700 in the morning unless I've been up drinking all night long. I ate a chunk of pineapple and a piece of stringy bacon that stayed stuck between my molars all day, then smoked cigarettes outside while everybody else enjoyed their leasurely repast.

We finally started class at 0800. That's when I saw the untimate insult to my sanity show up at exactly 0801, when everybody else was already one minute into the classroom session.

My ex-wife entered the room and sat down.

Yes, my company thoughtfully scheduled BOTH OF US to attend "teamwork, trust and leadership" training together. Seeing her there put me right off that "teamwork and trust" part of the day.

That episode in Chinese Water Torture lasted until 1800 this evening, whereupon I skipped out on the "happy hour" in the Hospitality Suite and the Group Dinner at 1900. Fuck that.

Needless to say, caught in the Savannah traffic, I was unable to make it to Mack's Gun Shop before closing time, so I can't get my derringer until tomorrow, when all the bullshit is supposed to be over by 1430, so that people the company flew in from out of town to be here can catch their planes home.

Things I did today:

I volunteered to become a Human Gyroscope and be spun 360 degrees, head over heels by my group and set back on the floor in one piece. The only person in our group who weighed less than I do was female, and she didn't want all those hands on her body. I said that I would be the gyroscope. After they successfully twirled me, to demonstrate my trust in my team members, I did it again holding a glass of water. Not only did I not spill a drop, but the guy from HR who was videotaping our games missed it, so I did it AGAIN without spilling a drop. Actually it was kinda fun, even though all the change fell out of my pockets the first time I went upside down.

I would NOT have volunteered for that hazardous duty had my ex-wife been part of my support group.

I learned to carry a set and ready to spring mousetrap all the way across a large ballroom and set it down on a table while using nothing but a table spoon to handle the job. There is a trick to that task, which I finally figured out after dropping a few mousetraps and having them snap at me from the floor. I think I toted about 30 in a row after I learned the secret through trial and error.

My ex-wife WAS part of that exercise, and once I figured out how to carry a loaded mouse trap, I thought seriously about having a tripping incident and seeing if I couldn't "accidentally" hit her in the face with a trap. But I didn't.

I also learned that these all-day classroom and game-playing exercises make me more tired than a regular 10-hour shift at work. My butt hurts, my head hurts and I am exhausted. Plus, I missed getting my gun today because of that crap.

I have to be back at 0700 tomorrow to have breakfast with the CEO of the company. Thirty people attended the seminar today, and I couldn't aviod dealing with my ex-wife in that situation. The breakfast is going to be "interactive," so I probably won't manage to hide from the CEO, either. He likes to have his employees ask him questions. I'm trying to think of a couple of good ones now.

"Why do you spend perfectly good company money sending me to assinine exercises such as this, that I HATE attending, then schedule my bloodless cunt of an ex-wife, who I ALSO HATE, to the same session? Do YOU hate ME?"

That's the question I'm thinking about asking now.

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