Gut Rumbles

April 05, 2008

Holey moley

Originally published August 4, 2003

I have been a complete slackard about domestic duties of late. I never did cut the grass before I went on vacation and I just didn't feel like doing it when I got back home. My yard is a jungle now.

I've been collecting the mail and throwing it unopened on the coffee table for almost two weeks, and I know that some of those envelopes contain bills that I should pay before guys in uniforms who drive trucks with "GEORGIA POWER," "EFFINGHAM COUNTY WATER CO." and "DISH NETWORK" show up at the Crackerbox to make me live like the Unabomber for a while. I opened them when I arrived home from work today.

Okay, I need to send JB his $20 tomorrow with a letter of apology for not doing it sooner. Not late on any of these others except MCI and I cancelled with those bastards months ago over Danny Glover being their spokes-leftist. I don't owe them a goddam dime. No trouble, so far.

Then I opened the envelope from Memorial Hospital with the two-page blue document inside. It was the itemized bill for my bionic dick installation. The doc said the procedure would cost between $12,000 and $15,000. I looked at the bill and rescheduled my Thursday appointment for tomorrow, at 2:45 in the afternoon. The doc has some 'splainin' to do.

The implant ITSELF, just the bionic dick, was $16,707.55. "Medical-Surgical supplies" were another $7,662.01. The "recovery room," where I spent less than four hours, was $1,718.15. I am hoping like hell that "Operating room services" of $7,151.71 include the doctor's bill, because the total right now is $34,099.55. That's for a LESS THAN two-hour operation and six hours total in the hospital.

My insurance will pay 80% of that up to my total out-of-pocket for ME of $3,500, then they'll pick up the rest. Do the math. As an English Major, I don't do math, but it looks to me like I'm out $3,500 for this little episode.

This goddam bionic dick better work like a Swiss clock. I could have bought a Picasso for what it cost.

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