Gut Rumbles

January 16, 2008

Shoulda sent it

Originally published June 8, 2003

Production Report for 6/7/03

It appears that the ritual sacrifice I performed on that screaming monkey yesterday worked exactly the way the root-lady said it would. We had an excellent day, and we have no problems in the plant this morning.

I'm going home to kill a goat next. I was told that if I eat the heart while it's still beating, we'll be problem-free for a week. Does anybody at Corporate know how to remove bloodstains from beige carpet?

Also, will I violate the Code of Conduct if I have a contractor from the plant bring a back-hoe over to my house for free and help me dispose of the eviscerated animal carcasses piling up on my back patio? The flies are getting bad out there and the stench is horrid.

It really is company business, because I wouldn't be killing those animals if the root-lady didn't tell me that ritual sacrifice was necessary to make the plant run well. There is no charge for the knives, hatchets and sporks I used, because I owned them already. But I may need a new kitchen table because that monkey left claw-marks in mine last night.

I bought the goat cheap and used the Company credit card for that purchase, but the guy with the monkey accepted cash only, so I had to use my own money to buy it. Can you fax me the proper paperwork to file for a reimbursment?

I entered a purchase order this morning for a 2,000 pound water buffalo. Can you put that one on a fast-track? It doesn't have to be EXACTLY 2,000 pounds, but the more massive, the more mojo when I slaughter it. The root-lady says that I need it by next Wednesday to avoid incredible disaster.

Production numbers are attached on page 2 of this memo.

Call me at BR-549 if you have any questions.

Yours, from work,

The Weekend Duty Guy.

Do you reckon THAT would get some attention at corporate headquarters?

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