Gut Rumbles

January 14, 2008

The perfect crime

Originally published June 7, 2003

I once figured out the perfect crime that would have netted about $40,000 in small bills and made a lot of check-writers and credit card shoppers happy at the same time. I once worked every Christmas during college break at K-Mart, when business boomed there.

I freqently was chosen go on a "pickup," where you hit every register in the store and clean out the till. The money goes into a bank bag, and the bank bag goes into a duffle bag. By the time I hit 18 registers, I couldn't zip the duffle shut anymore.

I walked all the way through that crowded store with a gym-bag FILLED with money in my hand. Accounting was right next to the storeroom.

I worked in the storeroom, too.

I KNEW that an enterprising thief could ride up on a 90cc Honda trail bike, get off with a box in his hand, say he was making a delivery from another store, walk right through the storeroom and intercept a dumbshit like me with the bank bag in his hand. I'm making $5.00 per hour. If that guy sticks a gun in MY face, I'm giving him the duffle-bag, no questions asked. NOBODY in K-Mart carried a gun.

He could relieve me of the cash, walk right out the way he entered (about 100 feet) and use a trail bike to escape during Christmas traffic. It was a perfect plan. Keep the cash and throw away all the checks and credit card reciepts. Merry Christmas to everybody!

I am NOT a criminal, but this theft looked so easy that I actually mentioned it to a manager. We're talking a LOT of money here and crack-heads will risk 20 years in jail for $50 by robbing a 7-11 store. I didn't like carrying that duffle bag.

I was poo-pooed and told that "security" had my back. Yeah. "Security" was a retired cop with no gun who looked for shoplifters and couldn't run 100 feet without having a heart attack. I was NOT comforted.

After Christmas, I left and went back to college. On Memorial Day, a guy pulled up on a motorcycle outside the storeroom, said he was making a delivery from another store, walked in without ever taking his helmet off and robbed the Wells Fargo guy picking up ALL the money from the store. He even took the Fargo guard's .45 pistol, along with all the money. He rode away on the motorcycle and never was caught.

The Wells Fargo guy was fired. I know that for a fact because I work with him now. Turk had a .45 in a belt holster that day. The robber had a .38 that he stuck in Turk's face. Turk handed over all the money AND his gun, just as I would have done under those circumstances.

"That guy came out of NOWHERE, Rob," Turk told me. "He stuck that gun in my face and I SWEAR I coulda put my entire head down that barrel. I gave him the money, my gun and was proud that I didn't shit my pants. I've never been so fucking scared in my life."

That's when I told Turk about my robbery plan. He's looked at me strangely ever since.

All he saw, other than the very hostile end of a gun, was a guy about my size wearing a motorcycle helmet. I believe that he thinks it was ME.

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