Gut Rumbles

December 22, 2007


Originally published June 3, 2006

At the risk of being politically-INcorrect, I'm gonna lay some plain truth on the line here. If I offend your delicate sensibilities, I'm sorry, even if I do think that you're just oversensitive. You can run, you can hide, and you can stick you head under a blanket while shouting, "I can't heeeeear you!" and that's not gonna change the facts.

We have stereotypes because they are well-deserved by stereotyped people, because they display certain traits consistently. Look around. You can see it for yourself.

* The Irish are natural-born pacifists. Maybe if that tea-totalling bunch would take a drink every now and then, they'd quit being such wimps and learn to FIGHT instead of whimpering in fear all the time. They're very bigoted, too, because they hate cops and red-headed people.

* The Chinese have rhythm. Their kids are born dancing and they never stop. Something in their genetic makeup causes them to be averse to learning to read and write, so the Chinese have a well-deserved reputation for producing offspring who are poor students in school. But they HAVE tried to assimilate in this country. They realized years ago that naming a child "Fang" or "Wonton" or "Chow" might make him an object of ridicule, so they started giving their children American names, such as "Placenta," "Turdell" and "LaToyota."

* Jews are just crazy. They run around siring illegitimate children all over the place and about 70% of 'em live on welfare. The other 30% are in jail for murder. They have NO sense of family whatsoever. They're all drunks, too. Just go look at a Jewish neighborhood. There's a got-dam bar on every corner, and drunk Jews passed out in the street and sleeping on bus stop benches, right between the crack-dealers and the pimps.

* Blacks just won't get with the program. How do they EVER expect to earn equality in this country when black kids just want to READ all the time? Bejus! Tell that young'un to get his nose out of that book, steal himself a set of boxer drawers and a pair of pants two sizes too large. DRESS for SUCCESS. Learn to say "muthafuckah" at least twice in every sentence uttered, in between "y'know?" and "know what I be sayin'?" And what's with this wanting a JOB and working all the time? SHEESH! You be crazy?

* Southern Men shouldn't be so feminine. Gawd! What is it about hot weather that makes those men such pussies? Show 'em a gun and they scream like a woman. Hell, show 'em TWO GUNS and they piss their pants. And they have absolutely NO IDEA about how to treat a lady, because they have NO got-dam manners whatsoever. No wonder the South lost the Civil War if THAT'S the best the South could muster.

* Southern Wimmen shouldn't be so masculine. Them wimmen walk around scratching their BALLS, people! They chew tobacco and target-spit. They pull ticks off dogs by using their TEETH, if they've still got any. They're about the most UN-FEMININE creature you'll ever encounter outside a National Forest. They sweat like mules and smell about the same. If THEY fought in the Civil War, the South woulda won.

* Yankees are the most civilized people on earth. They speak with melodious accents that make you think of cold molasses pouring from a ewer and the wimmen are all thin, dainty and totally devoid of facial hair. The men have strong, muscular legs, which look better than ever when decorated with black socks and sandals. These people tan easily and often become so darkly-bronzed by late spring that they are mistaken for African-Americans, except for places such as Detroit and Chicago, where they actually ARE African-Americans.

* Californians are remarkable for their stability and rock-ribbed conservatism. Not the type to be hypnotized by glitter, glamor and glitz, Californians display an independent, self-reliant nature that is reminescent of the early pioneers who first settled this wild country. About half of all Californians have coke spoons wedged up their noses, but that still leaves the other 50% who merely have lots of tattoos, body-piercings and memories of a previous life as a palmetto bug. In this nutty world, it's nice to have California as a center of stability today.

* Hillbillies are just plain pathetic. They won't work, they're dishonest and they inbreed a lot. They develop a warped view of life because they grow up walking sidehill all the time, which is enough to make ANYBODY fucked up. (YOU try it for a while and you'll see what I mean!) They all cook moonshine, let their kids run around with no pants on, and have at least three old trucks up on blocks outside the mobile home with the leaking roof where they live, six families to the single-wide. With a kudzu-covered, wooden outhouse out back.

* Greeks all look like Anthony Quinn (even the wimmen). They like to dance a perverted-lookin' polka-thing, and they drink a melted-licorice syrup called "uzo," which will knock you right on your ass if you ain't careful with THAT stuff. No wonder Greeks act goofy all the time. They DO, however, know how to pitch one hell of a wedding celebration, but I would NEVER marry a Greek woman. I've got this thing about not being attracted to wimmen who have thicker beards than I do... which may also apply to Greek men, which explains why they drink so much uzo.

* Politicians may come from any state, any community or any background. But they all have one thing in common: they want to do "GOOD," while getting rich at the same time. I have a litmus test that I want to give to a LOT of politicians today. If I can brush the flies off a dog turd, stick it in a person's mouth and that person can continue grinning and talking while just kinda tonguing that dog turd between cheek and gum like a chaw of tobacco, without ever missing a beat, I'll show you a REAL politician. We elect such people to high office all the time.

I'm just glad that I don't "stereotype" people. I'm too enlightened for that kind of crap.

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