Gut Rumbles

December 20, 2007

Mailing lists

Originally published June 2, 2006

I gotta question: How did I EVER end up on a mailing list run by PETA, Friends of Hillary, John Kerry for President and I could understand the NRA or the RNC emailing me to ask for monetary contributions or voting support, but PETA? HILLARY? JOHN FUCKING KERRY? (Who served himself all of his life in Vietnam) MOVEON.ORG?

Bejus!!! They've obviously got the wrong guy here. I get DOZENS of emails every farooking day from those people. I know good and well that they didn't get MY name and address from a check I sent them, so why do they keep bugging me?

I have a sneaking suspicion... y'see... I have some friends who are very clever practical jokers. THEY probably put my name on those mailing lists and cackled like hyenas when they did. "BWHAHAHA!!! THIS oughta get a rise outta Rob! BWHAHAAAA!"

Guys, if you did that, it worked. You got a rise outta me. And if I ever find out FOR CERTAIN that you assholes did it, I'll beat every one of you to death, one by one, with a cheap, out-of-tune guitar. At night. In the dark. When you're by yourself.

I can't really be too angry, though. As a very clever joke back when I was still in college, I put a friend's name on a pornographic fuck-mill's mailing list after he got a job teaching in an elementary school.

I'm just glad now that I put his home address in the reply box instead of the address for the school where he worked. Heh. It was funny having that nasty stuff mailed to his home, because his wife kept asking him how he got put on THAT mailing list, but I could've gotten him fired and had him put on a police roster for sexual predators if I sent that crap to his school.

I finally 'fessed up to him AND his wife about why all those plain brown-wrapper porno fliers kept coming to his mailbox with his name on them. They forgave me, but they didn't see the same humor in the situation that I did.

I don't see it as funny anymore, either. I coulda cost my friend a lot by doing what I did in a moment of selfish, mindless frivolity. I NEVER would do such a thing again--- although that one WAS funny, once it all worked out okay. (The guy's name was Andy, and he was named "America's Teacher of the Year," complete with an appearance on the Today show and a visit to the White House to have President Bill Clinton give him the award and shake his hand a few years ago.)

I could have, unintentionally, fucked up his whole life with what I did back then. Of course, it would be totally understandable if he were an alcoholic who ever drank again after quiting for seven months. Then, if I aired his dirty laundry in public, using the biggest forum I could find, it would be for his own good, because somebody HAD to do it.

Who better than a "friend" to cut off his balls and try to destroy him? That's what friends are for... right?

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