Gut Rumbles

October 04, 2007

Tips for dipshits who think they know everything

Originally published July 21, 2002

It takes a lot to make me belligerent, but THIS DOES:

Tips for men who like women online dating etiquette

1. Let's start at the beginning. Choose your screen name wisely. We're not favorably impressed with the likes of what BeachBum876, or 6FootSwell has to offer. We've worked hard to have a successful career and expect the same from the men we date. We're skeptical that SuccessfulRichDude is anything but a dude. Romantic_Dreamer makes you sound like a sap. Nothing about those names is encouraging.
Yeah, if you were that fucking hot and successful you wouldn't be ADVERTISING for a date. Does "Just As Desperate As You Are" ring a bell? Don't lecture ME, ya dipshit.

2. The women tend to get bombarded on these services, due to the male female ratio balancing clearly in favor of those with boobs. Don't expect a response. Similarly, don't write your life story on the first email. We're sorting through tons of emails. Respect our time.
Yeah, you're too busy to read e-mails you solicited but lonely enough to solicit them in the first place. If your "INBOX" was full, you wouldn't be trolling for dick. Dipshit.

3. Equally bad are first emails containing questions that would require us to write a novel in order to adequately answer it:
Isn't that the purpose of the essay section in our profiles? Better to ask something specific like, "do you have herpes?" or "didn't we have a one night stand back in '92?"

No, I never had herpes until I met YOU in '92. Dipshit.

4. If the woman specifies she's looking for someone between the ages of 30-40 and you are just shy of 23…she's not interested. Similarly, if she wants a black man, and you are white…you aren't going to be the one to change her preference. If you are gay, don't contact a woman no matter how much you the love the handbag she's carrying in the photo. She probably won't have a child for you and your partner no matter how nicely you ask.
You ALWAYS find selective women offering themselves for dates on-line. They simply become OVERWHELMED with the number of men they actually know lusting after them, so they troll for absolute strangers and set very tight specs. Dipshits.

6. Don't write a poem in your "about me" section. Don't write a poem in the "about your ideal woman" section. And don't, under any circumstance write one in the first email you send your prospective mate.
Prospective mate? I want a DATE! I may be hollow, do you spit or swallow? Meet me, greet me and EAT ME, ya dipshit.

7. Spelling still counts. Grammar will get you everywhere.
"I" before "E" except after "C." Wanna fuck?

8. Don't send the same stock email to every woman. We often sign up for these things with our friends. We talk. A lot.
Yeah, I know that. The best way to lay ALL YOUR FRIENDS is to do a good job on YOU. You tell your good friends and they'll want a piece of the action. They'll lay me and I'll have you to thank for it. Dipshit.

9. If she says, let's get together Thursday and you don't hear from her she's not interested. It sucks, I know but so does the email saying "I don't think we're a match."
If she says "let's get together Thursday" and you don't hear from her, she's a lying cunt. SHE sucks, the dipshit.

10. Which leads me to perhaps the most important one. If we say it's not a match, don't send emails telling us we're a bad person for not feeling the chemistry with you. That only makes us more confident that we made the right decision.
In your dreams, dipshit.

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