Gut Rumbles

August 14, 2007

Just damn. That didn't turn out exactly as I intended

Originally published April 14, 2002

According to this article I found on the Professor's site, my beloved state of Georgia, like Texas, has a law banning dildo sales. That revelation is a complete surprise to me. A few years ago, I went to a Savannah establishment called "Joker's Novelties" to buy a filthy birthday card for one of my friends. Joker's specalizes in filthy birthday cards, edible underwear, bondage equipment, drinking games and a vast assortment of personal pleasure devices, including a giant, two-pronged "condom demonstration device" with a handle on the end that resembles a huge, obscene dowsing rod. That double-dose of vulcanized love is prominently displayed in a glass case right next to the cash register.

I selected the appropriate filthy birthday card and approached the register. A cute, young blonde about twenty years-old was running the show that day, and I decided to embarrass her. "You sell many of those?" I asked, pointing at the two-pronged wonder-wand.

I wish I had not done that.

"Oh, no," she replied, very LOUDLY. "We keep that thing there pretty much as a conversation piece. But we sell a lot of THESE," and she reached into the glass case and dragged out a twelve-inch, blue-veined artificial penis and waved it in my face. "I wouldn't like one like this, but a lot of people do," she said, still waving the dildo in my face. "If you want to buy one, I recommend this." She reached back into the case and produced a mere eight-inch, blue-veined rubber replica (that reminded me a lot of ME, before my prostate operation) and tossed it on the counter. "You get a lot more dick for the dollar with that one."

I paid for my filthy birthday card and got the hell out of there. A crowd was forming around the register by then.

DO NOT think you're going to embarrass a young woman who works all day behind a glass case featuring a giant, two-pronged dildo. She will embarrass YOU. Or, you can BUY THAT THING. They sell them in Georgia.

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