Gut Rumbles

July 26, 2007

Allow me to elucidate

Originally published February 8, 2002

I am seriously thinking about taking a vacation in Europe this spring. I have the money to pay for it and I've never been, so it seems like a pretty good idea right now. I think I'll land in London first, to acclimate myself to the continent in a place where people speak English (or something CLOSE to my language) and see where the wind blows me from there. It could be an interesting adventure and I am about ready for one.

I don't believe I can link to THIS ARTICLE because it has a code symbol I don't have on my keyboard, but I'll try anyway. (I'll be damned. I just checked and the sucker TOOK!) [Ed. Article no longer exists.] Read it and you'll know that I'm not only going to Europe for a vacation. I also am going there to prove to the snotty Brit who wrote the article that I am not afraid to fly, I'm not afraid to visit his country and I'm not the only person in America who feels that way. If I can find the little shit while I'm there, I'll punch him square in his aqualine nose and tell him that I AIN'T Sly Stallone or Bruce Willis or any of the other wimps he mentions. I am not an actor. I am a REAL American. Real Americans don't have make-up consultants, publicity flacks, personal trainers and a script to follow whenever they open their mouths. Real American men have BALLS! Even real American WOMEN have balls, compared to what I see from European men, especially the chattering classes who criticize our war on terrorism. Especially the French, who heard President Bush mention an "axis of evil" and immediately surrendered before they realized that they weren't part of the axis.

I once performed in a Savannah Little Theater production of "Foxfire," where I assumed the role of the mandolin player in the lead actor's band, The Stoney Lonesome Boys. The play was fun. But I didn't come away from the experience with a dizzy adoration for actors. I don't understand why so many people believe that actors are something other than pretty puppets or exotic parrots, because that's all they are when they perform. "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" is good enough to sell aspirin, and congress even had the nerve to call Sally Fields, Meryl Streep and that other actress chick I can't recall right now to testify about a farm bill because the women PRETENDED TO BE FARMER'S WIVES in movies. Idiot gasbags in congress who wouldn't know a farm from a loaf of bread may take this crap seriously, but I don't. Neither should the British writer.

I don't believe he could write his hit-piece about the action heros I watched on the screen when I was young. Lee Marvin earned his grizzled hostility as a Marine in the Pacific campaign in WWII. James Arness developed that Matt Dillon limp from a wound to the hip at Anzio. Jimmy Stewart flew 29 bombing missions over Germany. Ted Knight, who played the goofball anchorman on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" won five Bronze Stars in combat. Charles Durning landed as a foot soldier at D-Day and was bayoneted.

Today's actors may be frightened at the world, but I'm not. I grew up watching a different bunch of people on the screen. And a whole lot of Americans, including ranks of bellicose women, grew up the same way. And we don't take shit from anybody.

Ask Osama.

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