Gut Rumbles

June 25, 2007

It makes me go... hmm...

Originally published June 6, 2006

He takes better pictures than I do, but I swear... this guy ain't right in the head. He seems to think that the term "lightning bug" is quaint and charming, as if he never heard it before. WHATTHEHELL DO YOU CALL THEM, Mr. Smarty-pants? Huh?

Some romantic, beatnick, unbathed and venerial-diseased buttwipes call them "fireflys." Some stoned, long-haired, unbathed and venerial-diseased ex-hippies call them "Holyshit bugs" as in... "HOLY SHIT!!! Did you just see a bug go flying by with it's ASS on fire?"

Are those critters rare in Africa? I ain't believin' that shit. Africa has more creatures-per-square-inch that look like they came out of a 1930s science fiction pulp magazine than any other place on earth... except for maybe Austraila. You have red-assed baboons, blood-encrusted lions, dead zebras and...and... all kinds of scary African things around you all the time, but you decided to write a post about LIGHTNING BUGS???

Oh, man. Your priorities are...never mind. You probably play some kind of National Pastime Game involving a big deadwood stick, a zebra's amputated head and a bunch of hyena entrails wrapped in a lion skin and decorated with snake-blood.

Y'all all whoop and holler when somebody scores a "goal," by swinging that stick and knocking the amputated zebra's head up a dead water buffalo's ass. Then the losing team has to EAT the hyena's entrails, RAW---right out of the lion's skin.

Whoo-hoo! THAT'S what I call a contest.

Bejus. I think y'all could use a few lightning bugs in your life. Along with fewer poisonous snakes, not so many red-assed baboons and maybe John Kerry. Take him. For free

Got-dayum! Something made me think of the word "tweegatjakkals right now, but I don't know why. You started writing about fireflies lightning bugs and just LOOK at where you took me! Ya bastid! See if I ever let YOU come clean my kitchen!

Get your monkeys to do that job... as long as they have a picture ID and don't cross the US border from the south. I need to be... I mean YOU need to be dragged off and shot. But I want your camera first.

Mine ain't worth a good diddly-squat, and I like to take pitchers.

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