Gut Rumbles

June 01, 2007

Surprise, surprise

Originally published April 9, 2006

We must be running out of things to do "scientific" studies about. *here is one that blows the mind so much that the headline calls it "alarming."
[Ed. Typical Netscape. Link goes to front page...]

Young men who are good-looking and know it are more likely to engage in risky sex than guys who have a less positive body image, according to a new study from researchers at Pennsylvania State University.

Bejus! That's a real eye-opener, isn't it? I haven't cracked a book, interviewed anybody or accepted a dime in federal grant money, but I have a few scientific conclusions of my own that I wish to announce. I'm sorry if my findings stun you, but science can be surprising sometimes.

* Fat, ugly guys get less pussy than good-looking men!!!! Yep. If you're a guy, you're more likely to get laid if you look like Adonis than you are if you resemble the Elephant Man. I can't explain the reason, which is why I need a LOT more federal grant money to conduct further research. And to pay plastic surgeons to make me look more like Adonis than the Elephant Man.

* Guys with lots of money get laid more frequently than unwashed homeless men do!!! Sad, but true. Cash attracts wimmen while rotten teeth, powerful body odor and dirty fingernails don't. It's the truth: money may not buy love, but you CAN use it to surround yourself with sexy, willing wimmen.

* Ugly people tend to have sex with other ugly people!! The fact has nothing to do with shared similarities, other than hideous looks. Ugly people fuck other ugly people because that's all they can get.

*Guys frequently give pet names to their dicks!!! (Ladies... meet Roscoe...) Wimmen don't do that. Or if they do, I never found any in MY scientific research. They may call their bearded clam a "coochie," a "thingy" or something equally as cute, but they don't bestow actual names on their nethers. Of course, I'm not sure how I would react to a woman who said, "Rob... meet BONE CRUSHER."

*Every guy is hung like a horse and can hump like John Henry drivin' steel! If you don't believe me, just ask THEM. You NEVER hear a guy admit, "I have a two-inch dick and I spurt on my second stroke." Nope. They all claim to be built like tripods and they swear that they are so adroit at ravishing that they can make a woman cum so intensely that she passes out and pisses the bed every time. Guys wouldn't lie about such a thing.

I need to publish these findings. Enquiring minds want to know.

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