December 21, 2006

Fear

Originally published June 19, 2006

When Quinton was a little boy, I comforted him by ALWAYS saying, when HE was afraid of something, "Ain't nothin' to worry about, Sproot. I'm meaner, tougher and stronger than any ghost or monster that's after YOU. And, guess what? No monster can get to YOU until it goes through ME, and that ain't gonna happen."

When he grew a little older, I frequently asked him, "Quinton, what is Daddy afraid of?" And I always received the same answer: "NOTHING!"

A little while after that, when he saw me do a war-dance and sprout goosebumps all over when I spooked up a 4' rattlesnake in my garden, he started saying, "MY daddy ain't scared of NOTHIN'... except rattlesnakes... but he KILLS THEM!!!"

Yeah, I had that boy brainwashed. Daddy wasn't afraid of ANYTHING--- except rattlesnakes--- and even then, Daddy killed them.

I had a lot of bravado back then. But I don't anymore. A LOT of things frighten me now.

*I worry about maintaining what freedom I have left. Given the chance, government will steal that from me.

* I worry about my physical condition. I ain't doin' so good there, on a LOT of different fronts.

* I worry about having the family name die off with me. My brother will never have children. My daughter won't, either. If I croak, Jennifer will take Quinton's last name away from him and call him by whatever name her latest victim uses. That ain't right, but that's what she'll do, and I would bet my Cracker ass on it. I KNOW how that bloodless cunt thinks, and that would be the final step in erasing my existence from this earth, which is her ultimate goal.

* I am scared shitless of what my government may do to me over income taxes. They're getting ready to take everything I have, over what really amounts to LESS than $14,000 and government WILL DO IT, unless I can figure out a way to stop them. Bejus! If someone had told me THAT when I was twelve years old, I would not have believed it. I was an AMERICAN!!! That crap doesn't happen to AMERICANS!!! Man! I was a naive, trusting little boy.

* I am worried that I may live a lot longer than I ever meant to. In the shape I'm in now? Gawd! That ain't living. That's existing, and I never wanted THAT, especially not when I have my beloved government trying to kill me or break me before I can give up the ghost on my own.

* I'm not afraid of the dark, but nights get pretty loooong sometimes. I wouldn't mind taking an endless sleep tonight.

Forget about this post. I'm depressed, I hurt, and I don't feel well. But I'll hang in there and make it all work out for the best somehow. I always have. I always will.

But Daddy ain't the fearless man he once was...