Gut Rumbles

December 21, 2006

Evil me

Originally published June 19, 2006

I gave my next-door neighbors a bunch of tomatoes today. I have more than I can use myself. I've already frozen a big bag of 'em to use in spagetti sauce or beef stew later and I still have more to pick from the garden before they're all gone.

My neighbors have been watching me and yelling "gimme some when they're ripe!" since I started that garden, so I rewarded them today. They were impressed and most grateful.

I DID NOT give them any of the sexually-explicit mutant tomatoes that I picked for a while during the last full moon, but I did take a few over to their house to show THEM 'maters off.

Ronald said, "MY GAWD, Rob! Those are... obscene!"

His wife asked, "Hmmm... Rob, what have you been feeding them? I might want to put some of THAT in Ronald's coffee in the morning." She laughed.

Ronald said that if things ever got really bad on the romance front, he might ask for it himself. They thanked me for the tomatoes and said that they would LOVE some okra if I wanted to give that away, too. I told them that my okra looked like Fido's ass and I didn't know if it was gonna make or not. I confessed that I haven't tended that garden the way I should have.

Ronald offered me a beer (an ICEHOUSE---UGGH!!!) which I politely refused, and they allowed forced me to hold that cryin' baby of theirs again, which I did--- even though I don't think it likes me very much.

I ain't NEVER been good with babies.

Anyway, I visited for a while and told them that I might be bringing them some corn soon, and maybe some okra, too, if a miracle occurred. I also asked Ronald when that son of his was going to buy my basketball goal that he covets so much.

Ron said, "I think he's hoping that you'll GIVE IT to him, but I'm not allowing him to do that. That boy is tight with a dollar. You've just gotta stop letting him come over to your house and use it whenever he wants to."

Mama spoke up. "That's right. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

I went back home thinking, "Them's good people."

They are, too.

They happen to be black folks, and I will NEVER understand why they tolerate a racist bastard like me.

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