Gut Rumbles

December 12, 2006

eat your heart out

Originally published April 21, 2006

I went grocery shopping today when I was hungry. Got-dam! I KNOW better than to do that, because I always end up with a buggy full of shit that makes me look like I'm catering a stoner's convention with a bad case of the munchies instead of stocking my pantry. Today was no exception.

I'll never eat ALL of a double-filled cherry pie, or that bunch of strawberry creme cheese strudel bites, or the two big jars of olives, or the ten cans (10 for $10!!!) of baby lima beans, or the two-for-one Kielbasa sausages, or the six boxes of flavored instant mashed potatoes, or the big jar of Peter Pan peanut butter, or the box of townhouse crackers, or the five pounds of snow crab legs I bought. But I was in a quiet food frenzy. I couldn't restrain myself.

Bejus! They had some very pretty New York Strip steaks for $4.99 a pound. I bought a dozen. BEAUTIFUL collard greens at $.129 a bunch--- a bought one bunch--- and got royally pissed off when I saw the price of ham hocks. The damn hocks cost almost as much as the fucking New York Strip steaks. That just ain't right. I didn't buy any. I had plenty of bacon at home and that'll work for seasoning in a pinch.

But I did buy some Mexican popcicles. I am NOT making this shit up. You can get a BIG plastic bag of 24 popcicles, made in Mexico and distributed out of Cincinnati, Ohio, for less than the Kroger brand box of 12, made in the USA. I read the package and learned that a popcicle is called a "paleta" in Spanish, and these were "con sabores artificiales" and "el inigualable sabor helado." I wondered how in the hell any company could make money by importing popcicles, then I bought two bags.

Total damage was $149, after I threw in a carton of cigarettes and a book of stamps. Not too bad, considering the fact that I didn't even venture down the beer aisle. That place scares me anymore.

I decided what I'm having for supper tonight. I'm going to eat snow crab legs and strip steak, with Kielbasa sausage, mashed potatoes and baby lima beans on the side. I'll have cherry pie for dessert and cheese strudel bites for breakfast tomorrow. I'm going to cook the collard greens this evening and eat them tomorrow. In between, I'll suck on a lot of Mexican popcicles.

Yeah, I live a rough life. Eat your heart out.

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