December 05, 2006
Originally published February 2, 2005
I have no tattoos and no piercings on my body. I wear a turquoise necklace that I really like, but I sport no other jewelry. My bodily decorations are mostly scars, assembled over a long period of time. Every one tells a story, but I never ASKED for any of that to be done to me.
Remember Crazy Dave and his tatooed Dick?
I certainly do. "Crazy Dave" was a local biker who lived up to his name. The sumbitch had been shot and stabbed a dozen times and refused to die. He wasn't a BIG guy, but he had about as much meanness per square inch packed into him as you can get. He had tattoos everywhere, including some places where tattoos shouldn't be.
He had one that said "eat me!" on the inside of his bottom lip. He had a dick the size of a baby's arm and it was decorated with an ice cream cone, with "your name" etched at the bottom. He used to bet wimmen that, "I've got your name tattooed on my dick" and if they wanted proof, he'd whip it out and show them. He got laid a lot that way.
Dave was nutty as a Claxton fruitcake, but he ALWAYS had good-looking wimmen around him. I never understood that. He had one hell of a dick strapped on him, but he wasn't the most stable person I ever met. Maybe some wimmen really do like bad boys.
I was in a bar one night when Dave ran out of money. He asked me, "Would you buy a beer to see these tits?" He had a real knockout with him. I said, sure. I would. "Honey, show Rob your tits," and she peeled her shirt off right there in the bar. That was a nice pair of pretty titties. I bought Dave a Budweiser and it was worth every penny.
After that, he told her, "Honey, I'm broke. Go make me $50. Come back when you've got it." She left and showed up again in less than an hour to hand Dave his $50. I don't know how he did it.
I heard that Crazy Dave died up at Blue Springs, Georgia a few years ago, when he bet someone that he could ride his Harley all the way through a 4' diameter piece of concrete culvert pipe that was laying on the ground next to a construction site. The pipe was about 100' long.
Dave hit that thing going about 60 MPH and still accellerating. He did okay until he ran into a piece of rebar about halfway down the pipe that split his skull in two. I heard that his friends threw one hell of a party at his funeral and buried his Harley motorcycle with him.
I don't know that the story of his death is true, but Crazy Dave DID exist, he IS dead now, I KNEW him and he DID have a tattoo on his dick. I have known some real characters in my life.
Maybe Catfish can tell the rest of the story.
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