November 17, 2006
Originally published January 2, 2004
I did something today that I know good and well that I should never do. I went to the grocery store when I was hungry.
I went there to get the Notary Public who works behind the Customer Service counter to stamp my got-dam retirement papers, so I could send them back to the corporate weenies who Fed-Exed them back to ME today, but she was out sick. I needed milk, bacon and eggs, because I'm out of those items and I have Quinton this weekend. I decided to shop.
I didn't make it through the produce section before I realized that I was in trouble. The cucumbers looked good, so I bought four. Those grapefruit looked REALLY GOOD, so I bought a dozen. The sweet onions were on sale, so I bought a couple of those. What the hell, I might want a BLT sandwich, so I bought four tomatoes.
I went to get a pound of bacon and saw jumbo hot-dog weiners on sale, two packs for the price of one. Who's going to pass up that kind of deal? I grabbed two packs, then back-tracked to the bread aisle to get a couple of packs of buns. I returned to get my bacon and noticed a really handsome roast beef in the deli display. "I want a pound of that," I told the lady behind the counter. "And while you're at it, go ahead and give me a pound of that smoked ham, too."
I went by the seafood counter and heard the shrimp singing to me. I bought a couple of pounds. I bought five pounds of hamburger patties just to spite the Mad Cow scaremongers, and then I had to backtrack to the bread aisle to get some buns for them. That's when I saw the doughnuts that really needed to be in my shopping cart. I put them there. Quinton and Jack will make short work of them. (I bought those for the boys, NOT for me!)
I bought a gallon of milk and decided that I needed some more buttermilk, so I bought a half-gallon of that, too. I bought a pound of real butter and a pound of sour cream. I have no idea why I bought the sour cream, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I got 18 eggs and a bottle of Bloody Mary mix. Hell, since the dairy aisle is right next to the alcohol bin, I picked up a box of white zin and a six-pack of Killian's Red, too.
$140 later, I was out of the store, with the milk, bacon and eggs that I came to buy, plus a whole lot of extra shit. I know exactly what came over me to make me buy so much stuff.
I went to the grocery store hungry. Don't do that.
All content © Rob Smith