November 15, 2006

more toilet humor

Originally published August 24, 2005

This is another true story. I was backpacking with my late friend Steve Hamby when he went off in the woods with a roll of toilet paper in his hand one morning. I was cooking breakfast at the time and I figured he was just taking a nice morning constitutional.

A few minutes later, I heard his plaintive moan, "Rob! Look in my backpack. Get my Swiss Army kinfe. It's in the top left pocket."

I found the knife and asked, "Do you want me to bring it to you?"

"Not yet," he replied. "Open it up until you find the thing that looks like needle-nosed pliers." I did, and I found it.

"Got it, Steve," I said.

"Good. Now come over here and pull this turd outta my ass. I think it's stuck!"

I would have sacrificed my life for Steve. I would have done almost ANYTHING he asked me to do. But this was one time he was on his fucking own. I was NOT going to use a Swiss Army knife to pull a turd out of his hairy ass. Friendship goes only so far.

"Pinch it off or live with it, ya prick!" I yelled into the woods.

I was greeted with silence.

Steve eventually emerged from the bushes with toilet paper in hand about 15 minutes later. "Did it all come out all right?" I asked.

"Yeah. Once I blew that first plug out of my ass, everything was fine. YOU were no fucking help. And all along I thought you were my friend."

We laughed about that incident right up until the day he died. I think about it and laugh today.

Toilet humor.