Gut Rumbles

November 06, 2006

Men's rules

Originally published June 23, 2002

My mama sent me this:


1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4) Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. (I find short hair attractive on some women--Ed.)

5) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6) Crying is blackmail.

7) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

8) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently . . . beforehand.

9) Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

10) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

11) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

12) A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

13) Check your oil ! Please - just once.

14) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to look like soap opera guys.

16) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

17) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

18) Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

19) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

20) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

21) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends that we don't do romantic things for you.

22) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

23) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

24) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

25) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

I26) f you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

27) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

28) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss ;such topics as navel lint or cars/bikes.

29) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

30) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take a quiz together. No, doesn't matter what quiz.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch but did you know sometimes we really don't mind that, it's like camping !

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