Gut Rumbles

June 09, 2006

ain't nothing funnier than the truth


I am regretful that my friend catfish wasn't around today when I went outside to check my garden. I had some ripe tomatoes, some more bell peppers and a LOT of banana peppers that needed picking. I also have a lot of green beans that look as if they're gonna MAKE SOMETHING, if I keep watering the way I've been doing.

So... there I am... barefoot and wearing nothing but a set of cut-off blue jeans... when I scare up a fucking RATTLESNAKE!!! AIEEEE!!! In my GARDEN!!! Alone. All by myself.

Okay, it wasn't IN THE DARK, but who cares about such piddly details when you see something like THAT??? AIEEEE!!!

I realized that I didn't have a weapon handy. That nasty bastid was all stretched out, enjoying the sunshine and oblivious to ME, so I backed away carefully, grabbed a shovel, and returned to chop him (or HER) into liddle biddy pieces, as I screamed like a girl, jumped up and down, and probably convinced my neighbors that YES--- a CRAZY MAN lives over THERE!!!

Bejus! That snake was only about 2 1/2 feet long, with three rattles and a button on his (or HER) tail. The critter looks like diced 'n sliced snake sausage NOW... but it scared the livin' SHIT out of me this morning.

You shoulda been there to SEE me in my garden today. It woulda been like watchin' a live cartoon.


AAAACKKK!!!!! Snakes scare the crap out of me!!!!!!

Posted by: Evilicious Blonde on June 9, 2006 12:31 PM

Too bad you mangled it up; rattlesnake is tasty fried or roasted.

Posted by: BobG on June 9, 2006 12:43 PM

This is why you should carry that nonexistant side-arm (that you dont own) at all times (you do have a permit to carry, dont you?)

And not being an expert on the gun laws of Georgia, I doubt you need a permit to carry when perusing your garden.....

I hate snakes.....

Posted by: Ruth on June 9, 2006 01:25 PM

*shudder* I just black out when confronted by snakes. My brain short-circuits. Damn, I swear, if I'da seen ya, I would NOT have been laughing at you!!

Posted by: LL on June 9, 2006 01:31 PM

it was a young one...

I went out on my porch last week and saw a black hose rolled up in a sunny spot...I thought "I don't have a black hose...wonder who put that there?".... NOPE, NOT A HOSE, IT WAS A BIG BLACK SNAKE...but they are friendly critters and not biters. I ran inside the house ... got a broom and tried to convince it to move...nope, wouldn't move. So for the rest of the afternoon, the snake enjoyed my front porch and I enjoyed the back porch. There was room enough for the two of us. Scared the doo-doo out of me.

Posted by: vicki on June 9, 2006 01:48 PM

Well .... it's a damn good thing you don't live in Portland Oregon....a 9 year old boy put a garden snake that had been wonded by a lawn mower out of it's misery by bashing it's head on a rock... this was witnessed by a neighbor girl who promptly called the police, who then gave the boy a citation for animal cruelty...... I kid you not, absolutly true story.....Jackie

Posted by: Jackie on June 9, 2006 02:25 PM

So I take it your shoulders are feeling better then?


Posted by: Jason Bontrager on June 9, 2006 02:34 PM

You know, you never did tell us on how much brain damage your alcoholism caused.
Now we know, A LOT.
Rattle snakes eat rabbits, rats, mice, varmints like that. Varmints that tear up your garden and damage your house.
Hope your happy, jerk.

Posted by: Terry on June 9, 2006 02:40 PM

Heh, from what you said, I take it you don't need much time to look at a snake!

Posted by: Bob on June 9, 2006 02:45 PM

I'm forever picking up sticks around here on account of the trees. Last summer I was walking down the drive and I spotted this odd black stick on a piece of ground I just cleared. I'm cursing the blessed trees for not dropping all the limbs at once and as I reached to pick it up, I realized it had a head. I did NOT SCREAM like a girl (or an Acidman). I backed up real slow all the way into the house and didn't go outside again until he was gone. It took me two weeks to get over it enough to walk down the driveway again. I found out it was a black rat snake and they live in trees and are liable to drop down on you at any time.

I got over it but I still keep my wits about me when I walk down the drive to check the mail.

Posted by: Libby on June 9, 2006 03:28 PM

Good thing ya can handle an implement of destruction. You taught that ole rattlesnake a thing or three.

Posted by: stripersniper on June 9, 2006 03:29 PM

Oh garter son Eric can take care of them for you.....My neighbor had a whopper of a garter snake on top of his pool cover (some years ago) and Eric promptly removed the snake (even though he got a few bites) And my neighbor watched all this from the safety of his deck.....This is the same kid that would pluck bumble bees off clover (and plop them in jars) He was stung a few times, but that didnt stop him....

Posted by: Ruth on June 9, 2006 03:40 PM

No offense Rob but out here in Arizona, rattlesnakes are all over the place. Many people generally don't kill them. Just leave them alone. Or call the county and they'll send someone out to relocate it. On a personal level if it was me, I would have just left it alone. It's a rattlesnake, big deal.

Posted by: RayH on June 9, 2006 03:41 PM

Oh for a hidden camera...between this and the palmetto bug, we could start a series:
"Pest Patrol with Acidman"

Posted by: Lisa on June 9, 2006 04:31 PM

I like killing rattlesnakes because killing things is fun.

I think it would be fun to set Terry on fire and turn it loose in a revival tent.

Posted by: Steve H. on June 9, 2006 04:37 PM

I've only killed one snake in my entire long life, and it LOOKED like a rattlesnake. Turned out it was a hognose, they look like rattlers on purpose, so they deserve to die when they get in my garden!
Good job, and did it tear those horrible ole calcium deposits loose? Coulda happened that way.

Posted by: Ruth H on June 9, 2006 05:11 PM

A rattlesnake is just about the only thing that can make me jump six feet high.

Posted by: Desert Cat on June 9, 2006 05:51 PM

I will kill a rattler in a heart beat if I can because the sumbitch will kill me in a heatbeat if it can. People who think other wise remind me of an old Johhny Rivers song of year back about the snake who told the pretty lady that she knew damn well he was a snake when she took him in. I feel the same about cotton mouths and copper heads and leftwing moonbats

Posted by: GUYK on June 9, 2006 06:05 PM

Good snake is a dead snake. I hate all of them.

Posted by: Catfish on June 9, 2006 06:09 PM

Hell, rattlers don't usually bother people unless you bother them; I grew up with them and never had problems. I even pissed on one when I was a little kid at Lake Mead. All it did was slither like hell away from me.

Posted by: BobG on June 9, 2006 08:01 PM

Better you than me, amigo. Glad the score ended up snake-0 scrawny old cracker-1

Posted by: og on June 9, 2006 08:15 PM

FYI- Garter snakes are not prone to bite. Ruth, I'm sorry if that happened to your son, but it takes a lot for them to do that. I've been "Lurker" for a few months, and I don't even know why I would respond to your comment. I guess I just have never known a snake like that to bite...Hmmmmmm....

Posted by: Helen on June 9, 2006 08:55 PM

You should have let it go or at least shooed it off. Kids and pets would be a concern, though you do need to inadvertently provoke a snake to get it to bite you usually- step on it or something. Reminds me of growing up; working in tobacco. Someone always just killed a rattlesnake or copperhead. Instead, they had beaten to death or decapitated some poor non-venomous reptile.

I loved putting snakes in migrant workers lunchboxes. That was a great laugh and the finest humor you'd find out in the middle of nowhere.

Posted by: Pert Moody Newt on June 9, 2006 11:20 PM

F*ck a snake! The supposedly "harmless" types aren't so harmless if I have a damned heart attack!!!

Give me palmetto bugs anyday...

Posted by: the other Steph on June 10, 2006 08:43 AM

lol @ what Lisa said.
(And, Lisa... I read your trackback post. His "third plague" already happened....
*arched eyebrow and a grin*)

Posted by: Stevie on June 10, 2006 02:43 PM
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