Gut Rumbles

June 03, 2006


I'm not usually a clumsy person. I have GOOD hand-eye coordination. I play several different musical instruments, I'm a fairly good shot with both pistol and rifle, and I can juggle. In fact, I can thread a needle all by myself, if I wear some heavy-duty reading glasses so that I can see what I'm doing.

But I just fucked up. Did a blunder. Made a faux pas. Created a mess.

The ashtray on the table next to my computer was almost full. I decided to empty it. I picked it up, turned to walk to the nearest trash can, and bumped my elbow on the corner of my bass guitar amp. The ashtray flew from my hand, executed a perfect half-flip on the way down, and landed semi-sideways on the floor behind my bass amp. Cigarette butts and ashes went flying everywhere.

Now... I have a dilemma. With my fucked-up shoulders, I can't reach behind the amp to retrieve the ashtray. I'm not gonna be able to clean up the RIDICULOUS mess I made without moving the amp, fetching my vacuum cleaner and getting down on my hands and knees to do the job right.

Know what I'm thinking? Who the hell is gonna know if I DON'T clean it up? I have several other ashtrays, so it's not as if I have to stop smoking if I can't reach the one I dropped. And I'm not selling any prepared food or mixed drinks here at Rob's Bar & Grill, so I don't have to worry about a government inspector dropping by to fine me and yank my license for violating any Health Code regulations.

The more I try to wrap my mind around this problem, the more convinced I am to just fuggedaboudit. The carpet isn't on fire. That bass amp is heavy, even if it does ride on castor wheels. I'll have to do a lot of WORK to clean up that mess.

So, here's my story, and I'm gonna stick to it: "What ashtray? WHAT mess? I don't know what you're talking about!"

It's like a tree falling in the forest when I'm the only person around to hear it fall. It NEVER HAPPENED unless I say that it did. And I'm now sayin'... that ashtry spill NEVER HAPPENED!

It didn't either. Just trust me about that...


Bejus, Dana. I 'm so got-dam skinny now that there's PLENTY of room for somebody else in my pants, even when I'm wearin' them.

Thank you for the kind thoughts.

Posted by: Acidman on June 3, 2006 02:18 PM

If it works for the government, I think you are perfectly justified in taking that position. It never happened and this toxic spill/oil spill/lost anthrax samples/stolen nuclear secrets thing never, EVER happened.

Posted by: LL on June 3, 2006 02:43 PM

Hell, just hit it with the water hose and flush it all outside. Open the windows..the carpet will dry and if it don't just say the fukkin roof leaks and you hurt to bad to repair it.

Posted by: GUYK on June 3, 2006 02:50 PM

What ashtray?

Posted by: Catfish on June 3, 2006 02:50 PM

I don't see any ashtray.....

Posted by: Libby on June 3, 2006 03:00 PM

Dont'cha just hate that ? Definitely one of those Murphy's Law/Inverse Proportion kinda things -- the likelihood of dropping an ashtray is in direct proportion to the number of butts contained therein.
1) Get/borrow you one of those vacumns with the detachable wands so at least you can stand semi upright and manuever it from the elbows w/out tweeking your shoulders. I'd bring you mine if it wasn't 3,000 miles away.
2) Pay the kids next door or call Merry Maids or whatever the local equivalent is -- paying for a weekly visit wouldn't be a bad use of your resources until you get your shoulders fixed. A housecleaning service might not clean in the nude but at least they don't come w/ baggage and then blog about it =]
Or 3) Just throw all your peanut shells down there with 'em and create your own ambiance.

Posted by: Marianne on June 3, 2006 03:04 PM

Get a cat and train it to clean the mess...maybe then you'll become a cat person! :)

Posted by: Lisa on June 3, 2006 04:26 PM

If it gets to nasty,, move

Posted by: jamesoldguy on June 3, 2006 04:30 PM

Dude, just spend a coupla bucks a month and hire a maid. You get your house cleaned without the drama.

Posted by: Kelly on June 3, 2006 05:41 PM

* The Irish are natural-born pacifists. Maybe if that tee-totalling bunch would take a drink every now and then, they'd quit being such wimps and learn to FIGHT instead of whimpering in fear all the time. They're very bigoted, too, because they hate cops and red-headed people.

No, we really do hate red headed people. Ginger cunts. Nature's most hideous mistake.

Posted by: Twenty Major on June 3, 2006 06:13 PM

Erm, not quite sure why that comment ended up on this post. Sorry.

Certainly nothing to do with my drinking.

Posted by: Twenty Major on June 3, 2006 06:47 PM

"so I don't have to worry about a government inspector dropping by to fine me and yank my license for violating any Health Code regulations."

Give them a few more years. It'll be for your own good. Or the greater good, or some damn good that'll save us all from some unseen, ginger cunt Irish bogeyman...

Posted by: orange on June 3, 2006 09:33 PM

How about paying the neighbor kids $10 bucks to move the amp and vacuum the mess?

Posted by: Chris on June 4, 2006 12:08 AM

You really could hire the services of something like Merry Maids or something similar. You can save money by paying the kids next door too...But Merry Maids might do a better job, and can tackle the whole house.

Posted by: Steph on June 5, 2006 01:54 AM
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