Gut Rumbles

May 16, 2006

i wanna eat

I'm hungry and I don't feel like cooking anything. I would LIKE to go to a Waffle House and have myself a big mess of eggs, grits and biscuits, but I'm gonna have to forage something right where I am. I hurt too badly to drive anywhere.

Besides, almost every time I venture out in public anymore, I become all pissed-off at my fellow citizens. Just now, I recalled my last visit to the Waffle House. That was a couple of months ago, but I'll bet that nothing has changed.

I bought a newspaper on my way inside and I sat at the counter. My ass ain't that big, and I couldn't justify hogging a booth or a table for myself. But I almost fled the place without tasting my meal.

THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE were talking on cell phones in the restaurant. I gleaned enough of their LOUD conversations to pick up all the urgency those calls involved.

"Yeah... I'm at the Waffle House... uh, huh... I'm gonna have the #5 breakfast... uh, huh... they serve good grits here.... uh, huh... yeah... uh, huh... I saw that, too... uh, huh... OH! Excuse me, but I have another call coming in! I'll talk to ya later!... Uh, huh... me, too. Yeah... me, too. I'll talk to ya later, but I really need to answer this call... uh, huh. Me, too. Bye-bye... (click "Linda... is that YOU???... Uh, huh... me, too... Oh, I'm at the Waffle House and I'm gonna have the #5 breakfast...uh, huh... they have really good grits here..."

I wanted to choke the living shit out of that bastard, but that feeling didn't last long. Two wanna-be young sluts were in a booth right across from me. I've seen cheap hookers dressed with more dignity, and I've heard more intelligent conversation from corpses.

"He was, like... y'know... all... like... y'know?"

"Oh, yes. It was SO like him to be so... y'know?"

"It was... just... know what I'm sayin'?"

"Oh, totally! I was like... listening... and I thought... y'know?... like..."

"Does this orange juice taste sour to you? It's like... y'know...kinda...y'know?"

"Oh, totally! It's like... know what I'm sayin'?"

Those fricking idiots make headlines when they answer opinion polls. Like... y'know what I'm sayin'?


Just be thankful you're not my age, when this is all your generation has to offer in the way of women.

Posted by: Roy on May 16, 2006 01:12 PM

The worst is when someone's phone rings in the can. And they answer it. And then proceed to chat.

Posted by: Lisa on May 16, 2006 01:48 PM

Why did you voluntarily go to an Awful House???

I don't think they're fit to visit. Unless, it's 0200, and your newest "Date" wants breakfast. (before any chance of ugly-bumpin').

Posted by: dc on May 16, 2006 02:52 PM

And some people actually believe we are paying government spies to listen to each and every one of those conversations!

Posted by: Maggie on May 16, 2006 03:33 PM

Yeah, some people still think they are special for shit like that. I should design hand held short radius cell phone scramblers for idiots like that. Force them to go outside.

Posted by: Cythen on May 16, 2006 03:37 PM

Waffle House groceries ain't bad when you are hungry but I would just as soon have a cup of Mississippi River mud as drink their coffee. The taste is similar.

Posted by: GUYK on May 16, 2006 03:54 PM

People are different everywhere you go. Not everyone is like those idiots you heard and saw in Waffle House. There are still people around of every age with manners and common sense. By the way, why are you eating at Waffle House. You couldn't pay me to eat there. The foods is really gross. I would go to McDonald's before I went to Waffle House. Surely, you could find something better.

Posted by: Kevin on May 16, 2006 04:11 PM

I am SOOO relieved to hear that So. Cal. is not the only place you hear that moronic stonerspeak.
Y'know ? I mean rilly. totaly fucked up dude. wow yknow?

Posted by: Wes Jackson on May 16, 2006 05:23 PM

I hate them gotdam cell phone idiots too. Just last saturday there was some nitwit teenager doing the same thing in the middle of a movie in front of me. I asked him once to take it outside. He ignored me. When he started blabbing on that damn phone again, I grabbed it out of his hand and flung it against the nearest wall so hard that it busted all to pieces. I told him if he called the police that I would do the same thing to him. He left and I never heard anything from it. I sure enjoyed the hell out of that. It gave my daughter a laugh too. She was with me.

Posted by: assrot on May 16, 2006 08:43 PM

Sounds like it was awful quiet at your Waffle House, not like the one in West Asheville NC.

Kevin (above) sounds like a Yankee. Fie on him to speak ill of Waffle House.

Posted by: The Thomas on May 16, 2006 08:43 PM

Nah, it's Huddle House all the way for me. Nothing beats a Patty Melt :) No such thing as peace and quiet in any of 'em though.

Posted by: BabsRN on May 16, 2006 09:23 PM

My dear bitchez: STEP OFF THE WAFFLE HOUSE. If you honestly think that McDonald's is better, then there's no hope for your dumb asses. (Although I gotta agree with you on the coffee; the last time I drank it was driving back up from Atlanta after two days of hardcore cleaning and very little sleep, and I started hallucinating somewhere in Maryland. But that's a story for another time.)

Posted by: disconnect on May 17, 2006 08:27 AM

What amuses me - hugely - is the sense of puzzlement and outright disbelief among younger American women these days when they discover that no one wants them. What even halfway normal man would want to chain himself to a sleazly looking tattooed wench with the IQ of a slice of toast and the vocabulary and manners to match?

Posted by: maggot on May 17, 2006 10:18 AM

I think I was at the same Waffle House as you...I swear, I had the VERY SAME experience awhile back. The sad thing was that the young hooker, oops, lady, was gaining the attention of most of the drunk, over-the-hill men in the place with her phone call. Actually, this gal was supposedly chatting with her boyfriend, and proceeded to share, out loud, with the room (okay, mostly with her girlfriend sitting there) after she hung up, about how lame he was, yada yada, and everyone was offering advice and telling her they would gladly take his place. Hello!?!?!

Made me wanna lose my meal!! (The food was actually the best part of the experience, if you can imagine?!?)

Posted by: Di on May 21, 2006 12:33 PM
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