Gut Rumbles

May 03, 2006

want fries with that?

I've eaten some unusual cuisine in my life. I've tried squirrel, rabbit, racoon, deer, quail, squid and even rattlesnake--- although I admit to being very drunk when I ate snake. (Rattlesnake tasted like chicken. A rotten, greasy chicken dipped in shit.) I like poke salad and chitlins, too.

But I've never had the opportunity to eat dog. If I ever get the chance, I'll probably try it, as long as it doesn't bark at me first. Hell, I'll try almost ANYTHING once.

Which makes me wonder--- what breed of dog tastes best?

Chuhuaha? Naw. Not enough meat on the bones. Probably has an aftertaste of refried beans. Generates noxious farts.

Great Dane? Probably pretty good, but a pain in the ass to cook. Requires two strong men to hang it on a spit over an open fire. Requires four more strong men to hold the dog down while you ram the spit up its ass. Feeds an army, if they can tolerate all the yelping and howling involved in the preparation.

Saint Bernard? Fuggedaboudit. Too much hair. Just take the little keg of brandy from around the dog's neck and pet the dog while you drink the brandy and watch an army try to cook a Great Dane.

Dachshund? Cut off the head, tail and legs and it fits perfectly on a hot dog bun. Probably pretty good grilled, with mustard, relish, Vidalia onion and sauerkraut. I'll bet that the ears fry up just like pork rinds.

Dalmation? Hell, the Brits eat spotted dick, so I don't see why we don't eat spotted dog. I, however, would be wary of this dish. If you eat too much, you risk developing a severe case of dumbass, just like the dog.

Mutt That's gotta be the Spam of dogs, especially the free-range ones. Mystery Meat. You never know what you're gonna get. I suspect that it makes wimmen go into heat and gives men an overpowering desire to lick their own balls. Long term effects of mutt consumption include getting arrested for urinating on fire hydrants and getting killed chasing cars. I would stay away from mutt if I were you.

Puppies? I've heard that puppies make an excellent pate when stuffed into a blender and pureed. Excellent served on Ritz crackers with some fresh horseradish and cold beer.

What kind of dog do YOU prefer?


French Poodle chops are quite nice with mint jelly.

Posted by: Tessa on May 3, 2006 10:18 AM

Rob, I've tried about everything offered to me although I've yet to make it to africa where you get ox blood to wash down your still wiggling grubs, but I flat draw the line at dog....if I KNOW it's a dog. Who knows, remembering back to some meals I've had, I might have already done it without knowing. My first wife's cooking for example. The only thing that kept me around for as long as I did was the world class sex - not her cooking!

Posted by: James Hooker on May 3, 2006 11:17 AM

The funny thing is, the Chihuahua was originally bred for food; it was considered a delicacy among the Aztecs.
Seems to me a Lab would be a good choice; large, short hair, not real bright, the biggest danger from them is that they may try to lick you to death.

Posted by: BobG on May 3, 2006 11:57 AM

How about a German Schnauzer done up like wienerschnitzel?

Posted by: Wes Jackson on May 3, 2006 01:09 PM

The best tacos I ever had in my life were in Tijuana, from a little outdoor stand run by this guy and his kids. .25 cents apiece, and I probably ate twenty bucks worth over the weekend, from him. I had been drinking tons of beer, and I went down the alley to piss against the wall, and staring out at me from the dumpster were dozens of cat and dog heads, and piles of skin and bones.

Best damn tacos I've ever had.

Posted by: Bane on May 3, 2006 02:11 PM

Tried eating a real beaver once at a local hunt club wild game dinner. It was slow cooked like pork sholder. Greasy bitter stringy meat.

I will tell you this much:

Snake may taste like chicken but beaver sure don't taste like pussy.

Posted by: CZ on May 3, 2006 03:21 PM

A beaver's just a big fuckin rat.

Posted by: Bane on May 3, 2006 03:29 PM

What kind of dog do YOU prefer?

As long as it is cooked it don't make no difference. It all taste the same when you put a little hot sause and catsup on it.

Posted by: GUYK on May 3, 2006 05:52 PM

Actually, there is quite a bit of difference between, say, water dogs, and hounds, just as there is between turkeys and chickens, though both are birds.

The biggest demarcation would be between 'loose-skinned' dogs, and 'tight-skinned' dogs.

Hair types can make a difference, as well. Afghan Hounds, for instance, are nasty, but a dingo is delicious.

Small, short-haired dogs are best fit for the barbecue, and herding dogs are just nasty.

I consider any dog whose anal glands you have to express, to be unclean meat, though I do not recall the Bible making mention of that.

And I care not how good a Yorki tastes, as they are the hummingbird of the dog world, and thus, too cute to eat.

Note that many Persians and Arabs and other lower life forms consider the hummingbird to be a delicacy. This is telling, I think, and yet another reason to smite them.

Posted by: Bane on May 3, 2006 08:10 PM


Posted by: BabsRN on May 3, 2006 09:41 PM

isn't it obvious? Chow dogs. Why do you think they named them chow?

Posted by: Circa Bellum on May 4, 2006 09:31 AM
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