May 02, 2006
I am a lightweight
At the Austin Blown-Star Blog-Meet, I was in bed asleep by midnight both nights I was there. Yes, Acidman has turned into a lightweight.
I was a little bit concerned that I might fall off the wagon in Austin, and I'll admit that I WAS tempted a couple of times, especially on Saturday, when I slow-roasted in the sun by the empty swimming pool. A cold beer would have tasted mighty good then, and it was there, right in front of me.
Hell, on Friday evening I grabbed this guy's drink at the hotel bar and took a sip when I mistook HIS gin and tonic for MY club soda. Luckily for me, I never did like gin, even in my drinking days. I didn't repeat that mistake.
I may have seemed "exceedingly quiet" to some folks, because I WAS, by previous blog-meet standards. I didn't get loud and obnoxious and show my ass the way I always did when I was well-lubricated. I don't think I pissed anybody off or made any new enemies who couldn't wait to get home and ceremoniously de-link me. THAT was a refreshing change.
In rehab, one thing the councelors preached loud and long was that I could have fun WITHOUT alcohol. I'm not sure that I believed them at the time, but they were correct. I had a blast in Austin and I stayed sober, too. Old habits may be hard to break, but it CAN be done.
A wise man one said that there's nothing worse than a bunch of drunks when YOU'RE sober, but that's not true. I enjoyed the company at the meet, even though beer and liquor were consumed in copious quantities. But nobody puked in my lap or fell off the sixth floor balcony (Party Central) of the hotel or started a bloody, drunken fistfight with a fellow blogger. We might have been loud, but everybody was fairly civilized.
The best part is, I actually can REMEMBER the people I met for the first time.
The sad part is, I AM a lot more quiet than I used to be. When I played guitar for a living, I always drank a couple of beers before I climbed on stage to perform. It loosened me up and removed some of the butterflies in my stomach. When I played golf, I always drank a couple of beers before I teed off, just to loosen up and keep me from thinking too hard. When I WROTE, I always liked a couple of drinks to summon the muse in me.
If I could stick to just a couple of beers or a couple of drinks, I would have done that at the blog-meet. Alcohol works great to lower my inhibitions and bring out the talker in me. I go from shy to spry after a couple of drinks.
But I reached the point where I couldn't stop after just a couple and I wasn't content until I was shit-faced. That's when I thought I became witty and charming. Everybody else around me just thought I was a loud mouthed drunk.
They were right and I was wrong. I don't want to do that anymore. But damn! I sure do miss that warm, fuzzy cloak I wore after copping a slight buzz. I'm really struggling to reinvent myself today without using alcohol as a crutch to help me overcome my inner fears and inhibitions. That's not an easy thing to do, at least not for ME.
So, if I appeared to be somewhat quiet and withdrawn at the meet, just trust me on one thing--- you really DID NOT want to see me the way I once was. Some of you HAVE.
You know what I mean.
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