Gut Rumbles

April 26, 2006

warning label

Day after tomorrow, I am leaving for Austin, Texas, to meet with a collection of unsavory individuals in a plot to overthrow the government make Austin embarrassed to have us. Because I am riding an airplane for the trip, I will not bring any of my non-existent guns with me, for fear that a government employee will wake from the usual nap-mode and confiscate my weapons in the name of Homeland Security.

When the government employee gets off work later and pulls an armed robbery at a liquor store, I don't want any of MY non-existent guns involved. At a wage of almost $15 an hour for sleeping, the airport security goon can afford to buy his (or HER!) own goddam gun.

Anyway, because I expect to be surrounded by very loud, extroverted people who bloviate, pontificate and preach with gusto (they ARE bloggers, after all), I believe that I should issue this warning, for the good of humanity and all visitors to Austin. It's my duty.

Don't be surprised if you discover that I am a really nice guy. I am. Honest. But I have my dark side, and you really don't want to go there.

Be forewarned: if I hear ANYBODY use one of the following words, I will seethe with anger, see red before my eyes, nut up and go ballistic. I will whip out a telescoping golf ball retriever (because I DON'T have a gun) and rap you smartly about the head with it until you beg for mercy. Or I'll hire somebody to have you dragged off and shot if you do it more than once.

Forbidden Words:




Assault Weapon


If I need to explain WHY I refuse to tolerate those words in my presence, you don't read my blog and therefore you DESERVE to be dragged off and shot. Twice.

See you in Austin.

This message brought to you as a public service by Acidman His Ownself. No animals or children were harmed in the writing of this post, but that might change if you use any of those words.


My #1 pet peeve of wordage is the use of aggressiveness instead of aggression. Sports talking heads are the worst offenders. I Know it's a word found in the dictionary, but it sounds like ass to me.

Posted by: Wes Jackson on April 26, 2006 03:58 PM

Austin, of "Keep Austin Weird" fame, is waaayyy beyond any blodgers ability to embarrass.
So have a blast!

Posted by: BlogDog on April 26, 2006 04:01 PM

Be warned, Rob: Shoe is right. Austin is the liberal asshole of the state of Texas. But, on the other hand, it is also home to some of the finest poontang in the country. So, as we used to say in the 'Nam..."Get some!"

Posted by: Ol' Lurker on April 26, 2006 04:34 PM

heh heh could have an infinite amount of fun writing you long love letters using those words over and over...
*insert evil grin here*

Posted by: Lisa on April 26, 2006 04:43 PM

Oh. And, watch out for them damned bats. They will shit upon you, given half a chance. Hell, most of 'em are Democrat bats.

Posted by: Ol' Lurker on April 26, 2006 04:52 PM

Ironically, "ironically" is a perfectly legitimate word (though it's clunky, and adverbs should always be avoided when possible).

Some people use "ironically" when they mean to say "coincidentally", according to this usage note. Maybe that's what you're talking about.

Posted by: dipnut on April 26, 2006 04:56 PM

Texas do have some very pretty women. And pussy, I thought there was only one type? Good and Gooder.

Posted by: Catfish on April 26, 2006 05:07 PM

What's wrong with Gender?
Or do you really mean Wimmen?

Posted by: livey on April 26, 2006 06:09 PM

I just knew it. I figured irregardless had to be one of your favorites.

Posted by: Tessa on April 26, 2006 06:17 PM

I had a paramedic student tell me today that he was "orientating" with one of our ambulance crews. I just smiled. Ok, smirked.

Posted by: Wadical on April 26, 2006 07:07 PM

uh, ok, rob

but since you're the grammar cop of the meet, could i you ask a favor? could you please try to refrain from using "bloodless cunt" every other word? i got my fill in helen. thanks!

Posted by: shoe on April 26, 2006 07:17 PM

... man, I love it when you show your feminine side....

Posted by: Eric on April 26, 2006 09:19 PM

I've had good experiences flying with firearms. The TSA makes it a point to get your baggage checked in while you're still there so that you can open it up for them. They've always been quite cordial about the whole thing.

The clerk just needs to make sure you sign a paper and verify that the gun is unloaded. Of course, none of them know HOW to verify that the gun is unloaded, but it sounds nice. The TSA just opens it up and verifies that there is a gun in there, and that you're not packing explosives along with it in an attempt to throw off their security scanners.

Not that I would advise you to do so, but I haven't had any bad experiences.

Posted by: Justin Buist on April 26, 2006 11:02 PM

I think it's ironical that despite your threats, you'll still bring your acoustical guitar to your blog meet and not harm any of your friends, irregardless of their gender. Now, if there is an assault weapon involved, all bets are off.....;-)

Posted by: The Other Mike S on April 27, 2006 12:10 AM

Wifey and I use "irregardless" as a little in-joke around pretentious people. It's a lot more subtle than eyerolling or the "jackoff" hand gesture.

Posted by: disconnect on April 27, 2006 08:32 AM

the other mike s...

I could have sworn that's what I wrote.


Posted by: TC on April 27, 2006 05:54 PM
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