Gut Rumbles

April 16, 2006


Evidently this guy read an ancient post of mine about watching fat people attack the buffet table at a local restaurant. He observes, "Christ, some people can really eat."

That statement made me remember two people I've known who could "really eat." Oddly enough, both guys were split-rail skinny, despite their bottomless guts.

The first guy was named Keith. I worked with him at Chip's Drive-In back in my younger days. He was six feet tall with rusty red hair and feet the size of snow skis. (No, ladies--- I never saw his wanger, so I can't say whether his feet correlated size-wise with any other part of his anatomy. If they DID, then Keith was endowed with a real liver-turner of a unit.) Keith weight about 160 pounds soaking wet.

But that boy could eat more than anybody else I had ever known at the time. He was amazing. I thought that to be THAT skinny and still put away THAT much food, Keith must have been host to a 12-foot tapeworm. I once saw him (to win a bet) eat a banana split made in a one-quart monster-drink cup. I MADE the damn thing and it had five bananas in it, plus all the ice cream I could cram into the cup, plus a very liberal dosage of every topping on the sundae bar. I topped it off with nuts, whipped cream and six marashino cherries.

Keith ate the whole thing in 15 minutes and never even got an ice cream headache.

On another occasion (and on another bet), Keith ate three double beef Whoppers with cheese and three large orders of french fries at one sitting. After he inhaled that food and collected his winnings, he bought two fried apple pies and ate them, too. He was a human garbage disposal, but he NEVER gained any weight.

The other guy was named Jimmy (called "JP" for short) and I worked with him at the chemical plant. He was about my height, a short little fucker, and he weighed MAYBE 140 pounds. We went to a fish fry one evening and I saw the sawed-off bastard eat AT LEAST 20 fried whiting fillets, along with a mountain of hush puppies and cole slaw. He washed it all down with a gallon of iced tea.

I don't know where Jimmy put all that food, because his body didn't look big enough to hold it all. But I saw him eat that way on several other occasions, too. It made my belly hurt to watch him. He's the only person I ever met who probably shit turds bigger than he was.

Have YOU known people like that? People who could eat an entire house and never gain any weight? You know, people like this woman or this guy?

If they had normal metabolisms, they'd resemble the grazing buffalo I saw at the Western Sizzlin' Steakhouse food bar. Those people ate enough to feed a third world nation for a day, but they also had asses and guts that needed "Wide Load" warning signs attached when they travelled. No question about why THEY were fat.

My question is, why weren't Keith and Jimmy fat, too?


As the significant other of a food vacuum who consumes pancakes while watching me drink Slim-fast, I can say that life is not fair. When I ask supereater what his secret is for ingesting upwards of 5000 calories a day while still wearing a 29 inch pair of jeans, he wisely tells me that his "genetic gun for being a fatass is not loaded." Other bon mots from supereater include: "Put down the fork and push away from the plate," and "Eat less, move more!"

Jimmy and Keith were not fat because they had a turboloaded metabolism. People who are fat need to face reality and deal with eating smaller portions than some other people. That's just the way it is, and I have little sympathy for overweight people who eat too much for their metabolism and then moan about how they have "tried everything" to lose weight. Everything except eating less that is.

Posted by: Renee on April 16, 2006 12:23 PM

JP could eat, and he still does. He lives about 25 miles from me now and he is still about 140 pounds. His brother could also eat, but Hog was a fat little short fucker. Bill Roberts and me saw Gary sit down and eat a 5 pound bag of boiled potatoes, with nothing on them. When I was working with JP, I would cook and JP would eat, we ate better at work than most people ate at home. I made stews with lots of onions and meat, cooked potatoes with onions with a stick of butter. Made pancakes and sauage. I always had veggies cooked down with pork in them and srved it with a bowl of rice. We fried fish, chicken, steaks and porkchops all the time. I miss those days but do not miss the job, Cat

Posted by: Catfish on April 16, 2006 12:30 PM

My brother who is 5 yrs younger than me was like that. He could eat and eat and eat till the cows came home and then eat them to and never gain an ounce. Well he is in his mid 40's now and bigger than a house. I guess in some it doesn't last forever. If you are like that, enjoy it while you can.

Posted by: Dean on April 16, 2006 05:18 PM

11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes -- F me -- I would die first.

Posted by: Shawn on April 17, 2006 01:20 AM

You know -- I am a consuming about 400 calories a day. But I cant eat like that.

Posted by: Shawwn Kielty on April 17, 2006 01:23 AM

When I was younger if the buffet ran out I would think about eating the table and never be a pound over 170 (I'm 6'1). I can still eat like that but at 51 I have an extra 15 - 20 pounds overhanging my belt (varies slightly). Only place it gained....

Posted by: Horrabin on April 17, 2006 08:19 AM

I have boyfriend that fits that description. At 138lbs he consumes 5,500 calories a day most days. He works out a lot (2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do), but honestly, i don't know where it goes. As a rule he consumes 3x as much as me at every meal + snacks in between. Jerk.

Posted by: Monica on April 17, 2006 09:29 PM

Remember Cool Hand Luke? Was it 48 hard boiled eggs?

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on April 18, 2006 07:00 AM
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