Gut Rumbles

March 18, 2006

i'm home

I escaped from was released from the hospital this afternoon. I finally managed to fart and crap on command, so they let me go. Thank Bejus, too, because I wasn't sure how much more of that torture I could take. I kept waiting to see that fucking mandible-clacking, fang-flashing bug-monster from the first Alien movie come bursting out of my belly in a cloud of atomized acid and go running wild through the hospital.

My problem was a perforated stomach ulcer, with the subsequent abdominal infection that occurs when you leak toxic waste into places it ain't supposed to go. You can take my word on this--- it's a VERY painful thing to endure.

I still have a lovely set of stainless-steel rings decorating a cut running from the top of my navel to just under my sternum. Damn if this new scar isn't going to line up perfectly with the one from my prostate surgery. I'm running out of places to put new scars now.

The doctor was at a loss to explain what caused it. He asked me if I had been taking a lot of Tylenol lately, but that's not the case, so who knows what burned a hole in my gut? SOMETHING did, and it was a pretty serious situation for a while there.

I'm still kinda weak, so blogging probably will be light for a while. But I think I'm gonna live. The GOOD NEWS is that my liver emzymes were prefectly normal throughout the entire ordeal. Shit! My liver enzymes weren't back to normal when I first got out of Willingway last Novemember. If I had still been drinking, I think this shit would have killed me.

Another good thing is that a week in the hospital gave me a LOT of excellent blog-fodder about doctors, nurses and health-care in general. I think I can tell some stories that will curl your teeth, and I'm gonna do it as soon as I get a little more back to normal. IF I have any readers left by then.

Thanks for the kind words and good wishes, people! I NEEDED that, and I damn sure appreciate it.


Welcome back Rob. Is nice to "hear" you back on line.

Posted by: Rey on March 18, 2006 05:32 PM

I dunno what a 'resdr' is, but I are one, I suppose.

Still fartin?

Posted by: Bane on March 18, 2006 05:36 PM

Glad you're OK. Rest now, blog later.

Posted by: Patrick on March 18, 2006 05:45 PM

Glad you're back, A~man. I was pretty worried for you. Take care. ((*Hugs*))

Posted by: DogsDontPurr on March 18, 2006 05:45 PM

Good to see your worm-ridden old ass back on the page.

You're well-respected, if for nothing else than a bad example.

Let me send you a kitten to help you get better...


Posted by: mostly cajun on March 18, 2006 05:49 PM

Wow you must have a helluva liver! Or you could just have amazing healing powers. Or all those prayers so many people prayed for you. Whatever it is, I'm glad you are doing better. I was really worried about you. Get some rest hun.

Posted by: livey on March 18, 2006 05:54 PM

Good to see you back. I kind of figured an ulcer or dysentary and it is about six of one half a dozen of the other when it comes to killin people. Now that is all over with maybe you can recover and plant those blackeyed peas

Posted by: GUYK on March 18, 2006 05:57 PM

Glad your home and well!

Posted by: DavidB on March 18, 2006 06:03 PM

Good to know you're OK.

Posted by: Justin Buist on March 18, 2006 06:04 PM

Welcome back to the semi-normal world! May your pain be a fastly disappearing memory.

Posted by: Kim on March 18, 2006 06:09 PM

Welcome home and what great news about the liver function. See something good comes out of everything bad. Now you don't have to pay extra to get it checked. It'll be covered under your hospitalization.

Glad you cheated the reaper again. Can't wait for the stories. Get some rest, we'll be waiting.

Posted by: Libby on March 18, 2006 06:17 PM

Welcome back. Acidman indeed! Glad you are better.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf on March 18, 2006 06:19 PM

Yeah, you got readers left. No problem there!
Glad you are home. Take it easy for awhile, get back on your feet.

Hey, can a lot of coffee "burn a hole in my gut"?

I guess I'm kind of lucky, 59 years and can count on one hand the number of days I've spent in hospitals. I'm looking forward to your stories. Probably scare the hell out of me. Or I'll die an early death laughing my ass off!


Posted by: Fac Man on March 18, 2006 06:32 PM

He lives! welcome back Rob! glad ya made it out sans toe-tag

Posted by: Heath on March 18, 2006 06:48 PM

Glad as hell to hear that you are back and on the mend. Catfish kept me posted, and a phone call with Cat is always a rare treat.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on March 18, 2006 07:03 PM

I can't Novemember what we were talking about...

Dang! They got you on good drugs, or what?

I'm jealous...

Posted by: Bane on March 18, 2006 07:26 PM

Glad yer back, Darlin'.

And, as long as I'm alive, you'll ALWAYS have at least one reader....

*hugs on ya*

Posted by: Stevie on March 18, 2006 07:31 PM

Glad you made it through, Rob. Was getting worried with the week or so of silence.

It was very nice of Sam to give us all a heads-up to what was going on, deliver her our thanks.

Never imagined since the passing of my dad that I'd worry so much about some old sick cracker.

Posted by: Russ on March 18, 2006 07:34 PM

Glad you're doing better Rob!

Hope you keep putt putting along.


Posted by: Nancy on March 18, 2006 07:52 PM

I'll add my 'glad to see ya back' comment here too. Can't wait to hear some new stories!

Posted by: Michele on March 18, 2006 07:54 PM

Welcome back.

Posted by: Maeve on March 18, 2006 07:59 PM

Trust me on this honey, you've still got LOADS of readers. Keep taking care of yourself - we missed you!

Posted by: Lisa on March 18, 2006 08:03 PM

Walk it off next time, wuss.

You messed up a perfectly good death pool. I hope you know that.

Posted by: Steve H. on March 18, 2006 08:32 PM

Welcome Home, we're glad you are back!

Posted by: Jackie on March 18, 2006 08:41 PM

I haven't been online in I don't know when, last I knew y'all was south o' the border. After a year some smarty with a Dr. figgers out my back is severly fucked up.....and I spend time out of mind. Only to find you have been observing the medical system from the receiving end as well.

Hope you feel better sooner.

Posted by: Wes Jackson on March 18, 2006 09:00 PM

Hi Rob! I'm pleased to hear you're home again! You had a lot of people worrying for you! I'll be looking forward to those stories... but next time you need blog material, find a less-dramatic way to get it, please!

Posted by: Karen in Australia on March 18, 2006 09:19 PM

Good to see the new post. Hang in there Rob, get some rest, then cut loose on us with the new blog fodder. Take care.

Posted by: LL on March 18, 2006 09:28 PM

... good to see you back, bigman... welcome home...

Posted by: Eric on March 18, 2006 09:29 PM

I sure like your blog. You sure tell it like it is. I am sure glad you are back. Sorry you had to go through the Valley, but they say if it don't kill you, it makes you stronger._Hop

Posted by: OldHopSing on March 18, 2006 09:32 PM

You *know*, of course, that I've been praying for your heathen self. Glad to see you back.

Posted by: Juliette on March 18, 2006 09:32 PM

Welcome back, Rob...

Posted by: That 1 Guy on March 18, 2006 09:39 PM

You've been missed! Get well soon and get back to being an ornery (but lovable) bastard!


Posted by: Patty on March 18, 2006 10:04 PM

(Ditto, Juliette.) The cat thingy comes to mind as your "lives" keep passing by. How many now? Whether you like Her or not, it's obvious somebody up there has plans for you, Rob.

Posted by: Indigo on March 18, 2006 10:24 PM

Listen up man, you're sick and I love that about you. So get better quick and keep blogging.

Posted by: Geo on March 18, 2006 10:35 PM

Hey that is really great about your liver; glad to see you hanging in there!!

Posted by: maxnnr on March 18, 2006 10:37 PM

Glad you're alive, old man. Although I had to call off the strip down of the Crackerbox, dammit. My homeys told me $20 grand...

Posted by: Velociman on March 18, 2006 10:42 PM

I think your readers are quite loyal....the kind of loyalty a person has when reading a good book more than once. Good blogs (like good books) have a quality of unexpectedness that keeps readers coming back looking for a mental peek into someone else's life, or for that next surprise. Welcome home. Take your time getting well. Looking forward to the next surprise.

Posted by: Tessa on March 18, 2006 10:51 PM

This web page talks about ulcers and what causes them.

Notice that bacterial infection is thought to be the most important cause. You will be amused to know that up until the 1980's, doctors all thought the stomach was sterile and that bad thoughts (stress) caused ulcers.

You must stop smoking. Your health stinks in large part because of smoking and drinking. I know your diet is awful too. Next up for you is likely a heart attack. You will think you are having some ulcer pain and won't go to the doctor until its too late.

You would be surprised at how enjoyable life is when you don't smoke and you eat a proper diet and exercise a few minutes each day.

That recent Pew survey found that the biggest determinant of happiness was having good health.

Posted by: joel on March 18, 2006 10:53 PM

Welcome back Rob. Take some time for yourself and get well soon. Good to have you back and Godspeed.

; )

Posted by: tnjudi on March 18, 2006 11:10 PM

Glad you are back home and back online!

Posted by: Renee on March 18, 2006 11:13 PM

Don't worry about having any readers when you get back to writing. I don't think you'll ever have to worry about having readers on your blog. Get well, take care of yourself, and we'll wait. And those that can't, well, that's their loss.

Posted by: Harold Foster on March 18, 2006 11:16 PM

Scar talk? You want scar talk? Well, my first GI surgery, the Doc opened me up 9 1/2 inches, right down the midline of my belly. Said he had to to clean up the goo from my exploded colon, as well as to resection the colon and put the remainder back in.

Hurt for three months, only. That was because at the three month point, my small bowel perforated, necessitating getting opened up again. Since the doc hadn't put in a zipper, he faced the choices of cutting a second incision in virgin flesh, or cutting right down the old one, which is what he did.

Got a scar the size of a mattress seam from couple inches north of Johnson to the sternum. Now I have the famous "two-assed" look, because no fat grows under the scar, but it grows extra just to the sides of it.

I could be a circus freak if they still had them. Would be sweet, could moon the paying customers and they would have to guess if they had been mooned or just butt-gutted.

Don't feel so bad, blog Granpa, I don't. Never won a beauty contest im my life, and damn sure won't now!

Posted by: Rivrdog on March 18, 2006 11:30 PM

Glad you're home and didn't visit the River Styx. It's not often we (or me) get the warm fuzzies reading a post from you!

Posted by: Cheryl on March 18, 2006 11:48 PM

You are have us mixed up with the left wing democratic supporters. We don't flip flop, nor abandon those we like on a whim. Get well, your readers will still be here.

Posted by: scrapiron on March 18, 2006 11:56 PM

Hah! you call THAT a scar?
THIS is a scar *lifts up shirt*

Welcome back you crabby ol' cracker!

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on March 19, 2006 12:51 AM

*kiss*, sweetly 'pon yon brow.
Oh, and thanks for the "defense". water off a duck's ass...

Posted by: Lil Toni on March 19, 2006 01:04 AM

this didn't have anything to do with hot peppers or some southern eats did it?
You might want to move up north here and cool off for a while. Glad you're on the mend.

Posted by: lg on March 19, 2006 01:12 AM

Hang in there, Rob. Glad you're back. Hey, you got a little jump on quitting smoking, give it a try.I smoked non filters right up 'til I walked in to the ER after my stroke, they kept hammering me with those patch things, haven't smoked since.

Posted by: Peter on March 19, 2006 01:25 AM

So the lab geek here wants to know, did they run an H. Pylori test on you while you were in the hospital? Ask for copies of all your labs and check if they didn't already tell you. Glad to see you made it home -- take it easy and don't rush your recuperation -- one of the biggest problems caused by the current healthcare situation is we're sending patients home WAAAAY too early after surgeries like that (fucking insurance co assholes) -- hell I had my half boob cut off and was home for lunch! If you need any help with stitches, drains, getting to the bathroom, general fetching and carrying -- please don't be too pigheaded to get some help in! I hope you've got somebody staying with you for at least a few days. Will make a world of difference in your recovery. Take care & keep us posted.

Posted by: Marianne on March 19, 2006 03:26 AM

Get well soon from all your Aussie mates

Posted by: fay on March 19, 2006 05:35 AM

Welcome back, BITCH!

Posted by: TomCat on March 19, 2006 07:19 AM

Glad you're back at the keyboard! Looking forward to your hospital stories.

Posted by: Ice Scribe on March 19, 2006 07:52 AM

What the previous 53 said. Missed your rants.

Posted by: hoosierboy on March 19, 2006 07:57 AM

So glad you're ok! Be careful and't go busting any more guts! And yes, abdominal surgery sucks....Having 2 C-sections and one more in a few weeks, I know your pain...Just remember, one day you will cough again! I promise :)

Posted by: Steph on March 19, 2006 08:09 AM

You can't fool us! You were pregnant, now you aren't. You had an abortion!

Welcome back.

Posted by: McThag on March 19, 2006 09:10 AM

glad you survived it. ugh, ulcers terrify me. that is some serious icky shit. get rested and feeling better.

Posted by: shoe on March 19, 2006 09:29 AM

Welcome Home!

Best wishes for continuing recovery!

Posted by: Pam on March 19, 2006 09:54 AM

I don't comment much, but I read your blog daily. Missed it. Glad you're home and well.

Posted by: Shawna on March 19, 2006 01:28 PM

It's hard to keep a good man down. Get well soon.

Posted by: alcanal on March 19, 2006 01:59 PM

From a pretty new reader: I'm glad to see you're back and doing okay.

Posted by: Nate on March 19, 2006 02:27 PM

Glad you made it back from the ordeal. Rest and revitalize.

Posted by: peggy on March 19, 2006 02:29 PM

Glad you are back home. Get back to posting now! :-)

Posted by: TC on March 19, 2006 02:35 PM

64 comments...I'm 65....I guess there are still a few of us readers out here.

And we're very, very glad to have you with us again!

Posted by: Maggie on March 19, 2006 02:42 PM

What the hell, did you not tel the Dr, your blog handle? He would have known exactly the cause!! :) HAR HAR!!!!

Good to have you back and at least on your ass!

Posted by: TC on March 19, 2006 05:24 PM

You do this shit just to meet nurses, don't you?

Posted by: Ste in TX on March 19, 2006 05:44 PM

Gosh!! I've been away for a short time and missed everything!! I'm happy to hear you're on the mend!! Hang in there!! 'Hope you're feeling better soon!!

Posted by: Di on March 19, 2006 06:26 PM


Posted by: Treasa on March 19, 2006 07:52 PM

Glad you're home and feeling better Rob. Take it easy and rest up until you're strong again. You have a lot of loyal readers that will still be here.

Posted by: assrot on March 19, 2006 08:14 PM

I'm awfully glad you're feeling better, Rob. Here's hoping for a complete and speedy recovery.

Posted by: kelley on March 19, 2006 08:23 PM

luvya, A-Man. You prob don't even remember, but you stuck up for me once when I left a comment - which got trolled somethin awful (IMO) - and I won't forget. So hang in there. Lotsa folks luv you ... never forget that!! Glad you're out and recovering - one day at a time, Acid. One day.

Posted by: kd on March 19, 2006 08:27 PM

Good gawd, Robert. When are yo' kishkas gonna settle down?

Glad to hear you're back home and recovering. Cream of Rice - it's what's for dinner!

Posted by: Elisson on March 19, 2006 09:43 PM

Glad you're home safe and sound...and alive...and don't worry--you are not going to lose ANY readers.

Posted by: dblynkpt on March 19, 2006 10:39 PM

Glad to see you home and healthy, A-man. Take that break and get more better.

ALL your faithful readers will wait to hear all those great health care stories (hear that people? ALL of us, will be patient and let Rob recover). Acidman style of course.

Yeah, I know, pushy Damn Yankee telling your clan to sit and wait. Drag me out and shoot me, when you're up to it, that is.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on March 20, 2006 02:59 AM

Oh my gosh, I am away from my blog reading for awhile and then find out that this happens! I'm glad you're better and healing and I'm almost afraid to hear the stories, as I'm a nurse myself! LOL!

Good lord, I guess this gives the term "gut rumbles" a whole new meaning.

Rob, you'll always have readers........

Posted by: A Different Kim on March 20, 2006 05:48 AM

glad your back home Mr Rob. j

Posted by: j on March 20, 2006 06:13 AM

How would we know who or what needs to be dragged off an shot if you ain't here to let us know. Welcome back and start feeling better now!

Posted by: Florida Bill on March 20, 2006 07:34 AM

Glad you're feeling better. You'll have to show off your new bellybutton/nipple rings in Austin.

Posted by: zonker on March 20, 2006 09:20 AM

Thank goodness you are ok. Crikey!

Posted by: blondage on March 22, 2006 10:05 PM
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