Gut Rumbles

March 13, 2006

now I know

Long, long ago, when the world was chaos, life struggled to form itself on this planet. Amid the watery, oozing muck, life fought for survival in a hostile environment. Volcanos erupted. Oceans frothed and boiled. Meteors pounded the surface and acid fell like rain from the sky. Still...

Bullshit. That early form of life had it a lot better than I did for the past few days. I don't know what I had, but I damn sure don't want it back. I didn't just think I was gonna die, I wanted somebody to drag me off and shoot me. Damn. That was BAD.

I use the word "was" with utter confidence that what happened yesterday won't happen again today. I started feeling better, actually managed to eat some soup and started the believe that I was cured, until the beast attacked again last night and laid me low once more. I am sick of being sick.

I think I'm better today. If so, life will return to normal around the Crackerbox and I'll pay some attention to my blog again. I'm not dead (yet), so quit worrying about me. But if I'm NOT better....

Would someone please come over here, drag me off and shoot me?


Good to see you blogging again, Rob. I was actually getting worried. Hope you're feeling better.

Posted by: Jim on March 13, 2006 10:25 AM

Hope you feel better. Hope you can get some nutrition in you soon, and keep it down. meantime, rest if you can.

Posted by: og on March 13, 2006 10:49 AM

I am happy that you are still kickin'. Besides, I didn't have your Visa card number nor the address of the party

Posted by: GUYK on March 13, 2006 10:53 AM

You not dead yet?

Posted by: Catfish on March 13, 2006 11:16 AM

Well, just take it easy and don't overdo it. My sister picked up something once, while in the jungle somewhere south of the border, and it was damn near a year before she was back to normal.

Judging from the group that follows you, myself included, you should have a plethora of people stepping up to take your ass out should it come to that!!!

Posted by: Cheryl on March 13, 2006 11:30 AM

Go to the doctor ya pighead! Intestinal parasites don't just go away by themselves. You may have days that you feel better, but you need antibiotics!

Posted by: livey on March 13, 2006 11:36 AM

I've got some Red Toe Nail Porn to cheer you up:

Posted by: Mister Snarky on March 13, 2006 11:40 AM

It sounds like you have/had some sort of dysentery. The problem with dysentery is that although a healthy body will fight it off without resorting to medicines, you have to eat to stay healthy, and the disease won't let you keep anything in.

Two avenues of self-help are still available. First, you have to eliminate the chance of continuous re-infection. Scrub down the bathroom with 10% bleach solution. Wash all the bed linens in disinfectant soap. Spray down your bare mattress with Lysol and let it dry before putting new linens on. Put all your pillows in the dryer and roast them on high heat for an hour each, or better yet, burn them and get new. Do your skivvies in hot water and dry with high heat.

Keep yourself scrupulously clean. Shower with soap after every bowel movement.

Eat one-serving foods (except if on the purification diet listed below) and keep no leftovers. Run your dishwasher on it's highest heating and hot-washing cycles.

Lay in a supply of Gatorade. Do not chill it. You don't need to make your body work harder to warm up cold liquids you are putting into it.

Here is the risky part. Get some water-purifying tablets or drops. Make up an amount that will purify
10 quarts (liters) of water. With the tablets, you crush them with something in the bottom of a shot glass. Carefully fill the shot glass with water and stir, dissolving the tablets. If drops are used, they will self-mix as you add the water.


Lay down for about four hours, then start in on the Gatorade, taking it as small as you must to keep it down. Try to manage at least a quart every 6 hours.

Stay on the Gatorade diet (NO FOOD!) for two days.

On the third day, eat one pint of plain yogurt. Not the fruity kind, PLAIN YOGURT. Continue with the Gatorade for another day, then slowly introduce SMALL amounts of food back in your life. What you are doing here is killing off all the digestive bacterial in your gut. You will kill the evil ones that are causing the problem as well. With all the bacteria gone, the gut can't do it's job, so any food in there will not digest. So, don't put any in. Just gatorade for survival, it will keep you going (or Pedialyte, it's better but way more expensive). Eating the yogurt next re-introduces the Lacto-bacillus Acidophillus, the good digestive bacteria, back into the gut. It will grow rapidly (if you've waited the two days for the killer-compound to be flushed out by the Gatorade, if not, the compound will negate the yogurt).

Start with the B.R.A.T. diet: Bananas, rice (plain) applesauce and tea. Or the B.O.A.T. diet, which is the same but substitutes oatmeal for rice. Saltine crackers are a decent substitute also.

After two days successful on these diets, try bringing in eggs, and a little fat (butter or some light fat). Then step up to meats.

The key is quantities. Your GI tract and colon will get into a reactive mode called enteritis and colitis, where it shits everything right out (so you don't get the food value out of it). You have to combat that by not overloading the tract and colon. Small meals, fed often, will get you adequate nutrition to recover.

By the end of the bout, you will have lost a lot of weight, which your body will try to compensate for by storing carbs and fats faster. Let it work. This isn't a weight-reduction program, and if you stay underweight too long, organ damage might occur.

BTW, the Halzone tablet amoeba-killer deal works. I have friends who used this remedy in 'Nam. The docs knew it was being used, and said nothing, so it can't be all that bad for you.

You've got a serious disease, but this is one that will actually respond to non-medical intervention.

If you let the docs treat it in the ER or Urgent Care (if they will, they might just pass it off as some gut virus and let you suffer it out). If they treat it properly, they will give you (IV) a strong antibiotic, replacement fluids and morphine and phenergan. That does everything quickly, but you will still have some residual trots until your gut gets rid of all it's previous infected waste. Then they put you on a clear diet (Gatorade), then the BOAT or BRAT diet, etc.

Then you pay their bill, $2,000 thank you. Plus about $250 worth of antibiotics to go home with. If they decide to do a CAT scan of your gut, add another $4,500 to that bill.

Two ways to go, the docs or the home-remedy way.

BTW, the cleanliness regime applies to either program.

Posted by: Rivrdog on March 13, 2006 12:00 PM

Force some yogurt down your need some healty bacteria to return your system (now totally depleted) to normal.

And STOP making that face as you read this!

Posted by: Maggie on March 13, 2006 12:01 PM

Intestinal parasites (which I am SURE you dont have) wouldnt respond to antibiotics. Only bacteria responds to antibiotics. Parasites require anti-parasitic drugs. That having been said, most "travelers diarrhea" is caused by a resistant strain of E COLI....and in most cases hangs on for a week or so....then no matter if you do something (or nothing) goes the meantime, yogurt would be a good start, as it helps to restore the "good" bacteria that belong in your digestive tract. But parasites? I seriously doubt thats the case.

Posted by: Ruth on March 13, 2006 12:06 PM

Ditto the yogurt! And next time you make us worry like that I wills how up at your house with a sack full of cats! they'll snuggle you and make you feel all better....Hell, my female cat even has red toe nails.... :)

Posted by: Steph on March 13, 2006 12:17 PM

Oh, shoot your own self, sissy.

Posted by: Bane on March 13, 2006 12:46 PM

Damn, I got my viking outfit dry cleaned for nothing! If ya aint gonna die, hurry up and get back to bloggin!

Posted by: Michele on March 13, 2006 01:02 PM

Can I have the guns you don't own if I shoot you?

Posted by: rightisright on March 13, 2006 01:52 PM

How's about if I drag yer butt off TO THE DOCTOR?
Then, when yer better, we can stop by Cat's for some shootin' and such.

Posted by: Stevie on March 13, 2006 04:07 PM


That's not the 'A-Man' posting.

Triffids are involved, mark my words.

The above use of punctuation, was crap.

Posted by: Misty on March 13, 2006 05:37 PM

Time to get yourself to the vet.
I would suggest one that specializes in cats...

Posted by: Rimfirejones on March 13, 2006 05:48 PM

Sounds like you had a nasty case of food poisoning. Do them Costa Ricans have toilet paper or do they wipe with one hand and eat with the other? Maybe someone fed you with a shitty hand eh? I'll come put you out of your misery if you leave me all them guns you don't own.

Posted by: assrot on March 13, 2006 07:23 PM

Somebody needs to drag you out, that's for sure. Not to shoot you, but to drag your stubborn ass to a doctor to get the anti-parasite and/or antibacterial medications you need to beat this stuff.

Someone? Anyone nearby?

Your body is learning to compensate for the presence of the nasties in your gut. That's why you seem like you're better for a while and then it resurges. This is not the same as getting over it. It's just a "bandaid" trick your system is using to keep you from dying.

Posted by: Desert Cat on March 13, 2006 07:35 PM

What's weird about that post is that NOWADAYS is when people decide to go bananas about saving the earth and hugging trees, but I guess meteors crashing into the planet and lava enveloping every habitable inch of land is better than cutting a tree down or using hairspray.
I am SO glad that you're feeling better ... you had me a bit worried there for a while.

Posted by: erica on March 13, 2006 08:13 PM

Acidophilus available at your drug store OTC or at the grocery store in the health food section will help replace the "friendly" bacteria in your intestines. Works wonders...
Feel better soon...I'm still recovering from the photo of that "log man" you posted the other day...I can't even look at that!!!

Posted by: Lisa on March 13, 2006 08:34 PM

Meet me in Vegas tomorrow night, I'll find someone to take your sorry ass out!! heh

Posted by: Alaska Kim on March 13, 2006 09:56 PM

Rob, you have amoebas living in your gut.

They build up to a critical mass and you shit them out, but they always leave a few behind. The staybehinds breed for the next cycle. So you'll feel fine, or at least bearably unsick, for a while, then go back into spew-at-both-ends mode. This will continue until you eliminate the amoebas.

Rivrdog is right about the sterilize-and-Halzone treatment. It works. What he didn't say (because he probably didn't remember it) is that that course of treatment is for twentysomethings in tiptop physical condition surrounded by associates -- screw it up in any way, as you are damned likely to do trying it on your own without anybody around as a spotter, and the only thing you can hope for is that somebody spots you before the amoebas leave nothing for the undertaker to work with.

Get thee to a doctor, RIGHT NOW. Tell the doctor you have amoebas from eating unpeeled fruit in the tropics. If he hems and haws and tells you it's just E. Coli of the wrong strain and you'll be fine, thank him, pay the bill, leave, and slash the tires on his Mercedes before you go to find another doc. The only thing that'll fix you up is what is effectively the Halzone treatment under professional supervision: clean out your gut and put fresh, good flora back.

The alternative? You'll probably survive, but what will happen is that the weak, disoriented condition you're in between spasms will come to be what you regard as "healthy". You'd be better off drunk. The effect on your lifespan is about the same, and at least your effluvium wouldn't be dangerous to your neighbors.


Posted by: Ric Locke on March 13, 2006 10:42 PM

Rob's been sighted!!

Posted by: Cythen on March 14, 2006 01:19 AM

Glad yer still alive, but I agree with rest of the pack...go see a sawbones. Guy I used to work with visited the "deep south" and came back with some nasty shit. Even with the meds, it took him WEEKS to get over what ailed him.

And he was in good shape. A LOT younger too.

Hate to lose you now.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on March 14, 2006 03:49 AM

Here's another idea...

If, by the time I get home from work (around 11am EST), you haven't posted what time TODAY your doctor's appointment is, I'm gonna get on the phone and start calling doctors in Rincon til I find one who makes house calls and I'll get HIM to come to YOU, damn it.

Then, while I'm still all het up-n-shit, I'm also gonna call Brooklyn Mike's place of employment to make sure his ass is still alive, too.

I do love you people (meaning MEN), but sometimes y'all just aggravate the shit right outta me, I swear.

"Men. You gotta love 'em, cause if ya didn't, you'd kick their ASSES..."

Posted by: Stevie on March 14, 2006 06:25 AM

And, just so you KNOW I mean it, here's what I've already found...

Alda Medical Center, (912) 826-0860
Savannah Medical Clinic (800) 247-4424
Sla Business Services (912) 354-6011

I'm pretty sure someone at one of these places can point me in the right direction.

Posted by: Stevie on March 14, 2006 06:33 AM

If not, though... there's also THIS whole page...

Posted by: Stevie on March 14, 2006 06:35 AM

.. do you have a caliber preference?...

Posted by: Eric on March 14, 2006 07:44 AM

You haven't really been sick until the things that come out of you at both ends look about the same.

Posted by: Steve H. on March 14, 2006 08:29 AM

Ok, I will say if no one else has the balls. Hope your old redneck ass ain't drunk.

Posted by: jamesoldguy on March 14, 2006 11:22 AM

Do you want a "knuckle" or long gun? Meantime, how about get yourself to a doctor for a quick test and the right drugs to kill the parasite? I really don't want to have to give the last gift of the mercenary/true friend.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf on March 14, 2006 03:50 PM

Well A-man if you insist on ignoring all this excellent advice I suggest you fed-ex me your visa card immediately so I can order the Viking helmets. We're putting them on your tab along with the drinks.

And by the way, whoever's going to do the shootin', I'm volunteering to be the one that drags his stubborn ass off.

Posted by: Libby on March 14, 2006 04:09 PM

That'll teach you not to play Tonsil-Hockey with the Quality Ladies right after they're played the ol' Rusty Trombone...yeef...

Posted by: Elisson on March 14, 2006 05:24 PM

I found him, and he hasn't been drug off n shot....yet.

Posted by: Lil Toni on March 14, 2006 09:51 PM

Wow. That's a lot of advice. Hope you feel better!

Posted by: Shawna on March 14, 2006 10:32 PM

Just don't shoot him in the head. The round will just bounce off and hurt somebody.

Posted by: James Hooker- Soldier of Fortune on March 15, 2006 08:38 AM

I have called him three times in the last two days, NO ANSWER? Georgia is looking for him also, Cat

Posted by: Catfish on March 15, 2006 12:49 PM

Anybody gotten ahold of him yet? Havent heard from him in a few days. Hopefully he dragged his stoubbern ass to the hospital and kept him there.

Posted by: Jason H. on March 15, 2006 01:24 PM

Rob is in the hospital.
I spoke to him this morning, although he can barely speak.
He has peritonitis.

Posted by: Lil Toni on March 15, 2006 02:36 PM

This could be very serious.


Infection that spreads into the abdominal cavity is called peritonitis. Peritonitis requires immediate surgery to clean the abdominal cavity and remove the damaged part of the colon. Without surgery, peritonitis can be fatal.

Posted by: anon on March 15, 2006 03:01 PM

I hope Acidman pulls out of this in grand style!

Posted by: dc on March 15, 2006 03:37 PM

Aww Shite, Rob.

Thinking good thoughts for you. Can't wait to here the shitbloggin you're sure to have when you get back !

Posted by: caltechgirl on March 15, 2006 03:47 PM

in my prayers as usual.

Posted by: og on March 15, 2006 03:50 PM

Well, first of all, let me say that I might have made a tactical error in not going to a physician for 20 years. It was one of those phobias that really didnít pay off.

Warren Zevon

Hope all goes well for you. You are in our thoughts.

Posted by: lambo on March 15, 2006 04:08 PM
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