Gut Rumbles

January 28, 2006

friends and lovers

My track record doesn't suggest that I am the ideal person to ask for advice concerning affairs of the heart. If I were an expert on that shit, I'd still be married instead of divorced. Twice.

Some people say that the quickest way to ruin a good friendship with a member of the opposite sex is to go to bed together. When you have sex, the friendship gets all tangled up in ideas of love, jealousy, possession, guilt and obligation. When that happens, the friendship disintergrates, battered to pieces by the waves of misguided emotion.

Maybe so. But NOT always. I know "friendly" sex is possible, because I've had it before, and I remain friends with most of those wimmen today. In the past, we managed to sport ourselves senseless without starting to love or hate each other. The sex was GREAT, too.

So... what would YOU advise in this situation:

A year ago I met a girl (she's 26 and I'm 24) who I really like. We started out as friends, of course, and then we started having sex. I thought for a while that I loved her but I soon realized that I never could because some of our values are different. She has told me she has always known that we could never be married. Nevertheless, we still get along well and we e-mail and call each other frequently. (By the way - we've always had a long distance relationship.)

Now I've got plane tickets to visit her. The last two times we've seen each other before we've just been lovers, each knowing that we can't make something more of it. She told me last week that she is now dating someone and "I should know that before I visit."

She did not elaborate. The guy she's dating lives over an hour from
her, and if you were familiar with her job, you'd realize this precludes her from visiting him often. Also, she could not have known this guy for more than a month. So the question I'm left with is how 'together' she and he are. I still want to be her friend (really, I do), but she's also my only source of sex at the moment. I can't help being a man. It is entirely possible that I can be her lover for the weekend, but I don't want to lose a friendship by only seeming interested in sex.

What should I do?

I wrote the guy back and told him what I would do, given his circumstances. What do you think I told him? What would YOU have advised?


I think he just hit the rocky part of having a friend that you also fuck.
I'd play it straight. Just ask. Be advised that the answer may or may not be binding.

Posted by: robert on January 28, 2006 02:48 PM

Yo told him to keep fucking while the fuckings good!

Posted by: Ed on January 28, 2006 02:53 PM

I've written you before back when you were blogging lost in a substance fog. I log of us were worried about you.
I've discovered my wife of 13 yrs has been having an affair for six months. I have a daughter and a son whom I love dearly. I also still love my wife. I recently exposed the affair. Now she hates my guts worse. She wants me to move out of our home. I work and she takes care of the kids. Her parents are coming for a visit this weekend. How do you handle this shit?

Posted by: steve on January 28, 2006 02:56 PM

Never get involved in a triangle. Find a new sex buddy.

If he goes there, he'll probably get laid but if the other relationship works out, he'll lose the friendship.

Posted by: Libby on January 28, 2006 03:08 PM

Hack her limbs off and then stuff empty beer cans in her dead torso.

Ok, don't do that.

As long as they are both up front with each other then no worries.

One more thing, being a man consists of more than letting your dick think for you.

Posted by: Daniel Medley on January 28, 2006 04:14 PM

... call off the trip.... or have some damn self-control when it comes to your dick... or just call the guy up and telling you're nailing his girlfriend...

Posted by: Eric on January 28, 2006 05:02 PM

Damn, this is funny stuff! I love your blog.

Ed, you are wise beyond your years.

And Mr. X, fuck her so long as ya can; fuck her once for me, too.

Posted by: Tom H on January 28, 2006 05:03 PM

I would have advised that he call her and ASK her what she wants out of the relationship. LISTEN to what she says and plan accordingly. If you are both on the same page and want to be fuck buddies, then go for it! If not, then respect your friend's limitations.

Rob, I am glad to see that you chose to return to living your life! Welcome back and hugs to you!

Posted by: Robin on January 28, 2006 05:57 PM

Chalk up the fun you've had and call it at that. If you go to see her with hopes of sex, you're just gonna be pissed off.

She did warn you ahead of time after all. Not many women would be upfront - they'd just let you come over, inform you "no sex, sorry" and watch you fume.

Posted by: brian on January 28, 2006 05:59 PM

I agree w/Ed. Quit, uh can you hear me, quit asking so many questions. As for Steve, I hear ya. Get a lawyer and see to it that she leaves, not you. Same thing happened to me. I have the house and the kids. She has to pay child support. I enjoy receiving that check each month; it's better than sex. Well, almost better

Posted by: rufus on January 28, 2006 07:09 PM

I reckon the poor horny dude should have confirmed that he was gonna get laid before he bought the tickets.

Posted by: GUYK on January 28, 2006 07:34 PM


Whoever moves first, loses. Throw her sorry ass out. Keep the kids, you don't want them exposed to her boyfriend(s), live in boyfriends are the most common cause of death and injury to kids.

Getcherself a vicious, heartless, junkyard dog mean, competent divorce lawyer. Underfeed HER and kick her once in a while to keep her meaner'n a pitbull with a boil on it's ass. good luck.

Posted by: Gerry N. on January 28, 2006 07:47 PM

I would fuck her brains out.

Posted by: Catfish on January 28, 2006 08:29 PM

cancel the trip and use the money saved to buy a nice hooker. no brainer

Posted by: mike on January 28, 2006 08:39 PM

I would cancel the trip. If the new boyfriend shows up you got an ugly situation. A woman never talks straight. She is telling you that she does not want you to fly, an trying not to hurt your feelings at the same time. She has a new booty call, let it be. Find a new booty call for yourself.

Posted by: Rey on January 28, 2006 09:28 PM

oh, and Steve, I would bring the boyfriend up in front of her parents. She hates you anyway. might as well slap her in the head with it. Otherwise, she will line up all your friends and family against you. She wants to fuck some one else, let her. Get a lawyer. throw her out.

Posted by: Rey on January 28, 2006 09:32 PM

Getcherself a vicious, heartless, junkyard dog mean, competent divorce lawyer.

Rob, could you give Steve the number of your second ex's lawyer?

As for the guy in the post, the right answer is to go ahead and go, but if she wants sex, say no. That way he'll find out just how bad she wants it, and it'll be her fault instead of his.

I'm not sure my answer is all that different from what yours probably was.

Posted by: McGehee on January 28, 2006 10:26 PM

I'd say fuck her. But be nice and wear a condom. No need for her new boy toy to go swimming in your jizz.

Posted by: Steph on January 29, 2006 01:02 AM

It's all over, Ace.

You ain't gettin' none.

Save the airfare money and go to a stripper bar.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on January 29, 2006 01:09 AM

"she's also my only source of sex at the moment. I can't help being a man"

Tell the son of a bitch to grow the hell up and be a REAL man. Real men don't whine about not getting any, nor do they steal other men's women.

"Do unto others", etc. Would he want some guy to be sleeping with HIS girlfriend or wife? No? then don't do it. Yes? Then he's a contemptible piece of trash.

Posted by: Rollory on January 29, 2006 08:42 AM

my first responses to serious questions are often irreverent or snarky, to use a modern term of endearment... that being said, my first thought was:

fuck her or fuck her...

note that the first fuck would be a verb and the second fuck an adjective, I think... I never was one for grammatical concerns...

upon second thought, I suggest honesty, which is my way of dealing with everything (much to the chagrin of most humans, but little ones and four legged animals seem to appreciate it)...

and try to find someone local... long distance relationships are fine fantasies, but the real world is were you can reach out and touch someone every day...

and to Steve, get a lawyer - she's the infidel...

Posted by: candoor on January 29, 2006 09:18 AM

She's either had enough or is scheduled to have her "little freind". Go anyway, get her drunk one night, if nothing then get her to introduce you to her girl friends. Lay, or try to lay, one of them. She might get jealous.

Posted by: Terry on January 29, 2006 10:58 AM

Hey, it's all good.

A weekend with a good friend, followed by a late-night date with Mrs. Palm.

Posted by: Elisson on January 29, 2006 12:48 PM

To me, this person has some difficulty defining lovers and friendship. He states they started out as 'friends' and then became 'lovers', knowing all along there could never be anything more. Lovers are generally committed people looking in opposite directions (at each other) and they find each other necessary. He states he doesn't feel that way. Friend love is wholly different in that it is somewhat arbitrary and we're usually bound by some common ground and are looking in a similar golf, blogging or even some shared hardship. Where true lovers have made a commitment and have a moral duty to the partner (evidenced by the advice to Steve here), a friend has no duty to be a friend if they choose to leave. It's simply a relationship that adds some value to survival. To me, it would be difficult to have an uncluttered friendship if it isn't free from sexual instinct, but I agree with Acidman that mature people can come to agreement on most anything. I think the young man defined his deeper feelings unwittingly when he admitted she was his only source of sex. So much for friendship.

Posted by: Tessa on January 29, 2006 04:29 PM

He appears desperate if he travels all that way to get laid. Not a great comparison, but it reminds me of the movie "The Sure Thing".
I hate stereotyping males and thinking they're all about getting laid. I've met too many who don't fit that mold.
I would hope he would take the high road, have respect for himself, and for her in making her choice, and move on. He may not realize it now, but in the long run, it matters.

Posted by: Mo on January 29, 2006 11:07 PM

I will paraphrase; "Gee, Acidman, I have been an emotional tampon for a woman who wants it both ways..."

Since the biologically accommodating female has moved away, consider the experiment over. Move on! Do not wreck her new relationship, except: If she wants to visit, occasionally, and wants to experiment with some new bizzaro sex practices....

Get some new friends!

"One in the rack, is worth thirty on the dancefloor"!

Posted by: dc on January 30, 2006 01:00 PM

You probably said the same thing I would have.

As long as the getting is good, bend her ass over the couch and fuck her like a jack hammer. She loves it or she wouldn't be giving it up so freely.

Posted by: assrot on January 30, 2006 06:11 PM
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