Gut Rumbles

January 16, 2006

so... that's what's wrong...

I woke up this morning feeling drugged and disoriented. I got out of bed, bounced off my chest-of-drawers once and staggered into the bathroom. I turned on the light while trying to remember why I was in my bathroom.

Oh, yeah... I needed to pee. I pointed Roscoe at the toilet (I sleep nekkid) and managed to hit the target with MOST of my output. I know that SOME went on the floor, because it wet my bare foot, and some splashed off the raised commode lid, because it didn't sound right, until I adjusted my aim. I couldn't see what I was doing because my eyes wouldn't focus.

I finished draining my lizard, reeled toward my kitchen, ricocheted off the wall a couple of times in route and loaded my coffee maker. I pushed the "on" button and nothing happened. I pushed the button several more times and became convinced that my coffee maker was broken--- until I realized that I was pushing the "off" button. Heh. Silly me.

That's typical behavior for me EVERY morning when I wake up. I once blamed my foggy brain on excessive alcohol consumption the night before, but I've been sober for 86 days now and I STILL act drunk in the morning. I require about 30 minutes, at least one cup of coffee and two cigarettes before I begin to function as a sentient being.

Thank Bejus for science, because now I know what is wrong with me, and it's perfectly normal. I suffer from sleep inertia.

For most of us, that bewildered, groggy, what-day-is-it? feeling lasts just a few minutes, but for some it can last as long as two hours. Wright found that the worst period of sleep inertia is the first three minutes after awakening, and it usually diminishes within 10 minutes. Using 16 volunteer test subjects who were asked to add randomly generated, two-digit numbers immediately upon waking after eight hours of sleep, he showed that sleep inertia diminishes short-term memory, counting skills and cognitive abilities.

It'll cause you to piss on your foot, too.


Well, I've had some groggy mornings but I've never pissed on my foot. Yet. If I do, I think it's time to pack it in seeing that I'm sitting when I tinkle...but you NEVER know!

Posted by: Lisa on January 16, 2006 02:25 PM

Good thing you're not a firefighter, or not only wouldnt you make it to the fire on time, but you'd probably miss "the pole"...

Posted by: Ruth on January 16, 2006 02:26 PM

Oh thank God there's a scientific explanation for it. I need coffee to make coffee myself and it takes a good two hours to hit full consiousness. The only time in my life I didn't have this was when I was hot air ballooning. Something about the smell of propane in the morning would wake me right up, even though you get up at the crack of dawn to fly.

Posted by: Libby on January 16, 2006 02:34 PM

That's why my coffee maker turns itself on in the morning. If it ain't ready when I get up I'm in a crappy mood all day.

And after reading that, there's NO WAY you'd ever get ME to clean that bathroom (or even WALK in it without shoes). Eeeew!

Posted by: Jane on January 16, 2006 02:39 PM

I hope you cleaned up your mess! I think it's time to sit and pee first thing in the morning darlin.

It takes me a minimum of 2 hours to unfog my brain in the morning. You never got to see it when I was there because you always slept later than me.

Posted by: livey on January 16, 2006 04:09 PM

It'll cause you to piss on your foot, too.

Yes, and a piece of fuzz stuck in exactly the wrong spot can make ya pee on both feet at the same time.

Saw my ex-husband do that once.
Standing there takin' a leak with two streams, one going to each side of the toilet, right onto his boots.

I was giggling bad enough at that feat, let alone when he noticed and was all, "What the hell?".
Then, he found a little piece of fuzz right there
I about died laughing.

That was almost as funny as that time I snuck up on him as he was towel drying his hair after a shower.

He's into it, rubbin' away, temporarily deaf as a dead dog, and here I come, sneakin' up and honking his package while saying "Gotcha!".
Man, he ran 8 miles in place, arms flailin' away.
I was dyin' again...

And, the longer I get to be up before I hafta deal with anything, the better.
To quote Maxine, my favorite old broad...

"Don't bother me before my first cuppa coffee. In fact, don't bother me at all."

Gotta love 'er.

Posted by: Stevie on January 16, 2006 04:28 PM

It's easier just to piss in the tub in the morning. It's true.

Posted by: Michael on January 16, 2006 04:54 PM

So I'm not really does take me an hour to get my brain functioning on wakeup....

Never peed on my foot, though.....

Posted by: A Different Kim on January 16, 2006 05:21 PM

At least you didn't reach in and pull out a hair then piss down your leg

Posted by: GUYK on January 16, 2006 05:46 PM

You are Bad, Stevie. /;^)

There are just TOO many things to go wrong. Plus, the noise. It can, and will, wake other cranky peeps up.

Just sit down and take a load off. No splashing, no missing the terlit.

if ya got wood, try the sink. (;~p

Posted by: Wes Jackson on January 16, 2006 06:07 PM

If you can't aim Roscoe worth a darn in the mornings, how are you suppose to handle the intruder at 3 am? Better make that non-existent firearm you don't have for home security a shotgun.

Posted by: FishOrMan on January 16, 2006 06:22 PM

I'm a bitch when I first wake up. Don't talk to me, don't even LOOK at me unless I've had a coffee and a cigarette. This little personality quirk is why I get up at 4am every morning...I get the grumpies all worked out before the children awake and find out just how truly scary I can be.

Posted by: Chablis on January 16, 2006 07:33 PM

Sweet Jesus, Rob! Reading you and Stevie, I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants!

Easiest thing is, have a seat for the first pee of the morning: forget that macho male shit of standing up to pee. It relieves a lot of stress from the situation.......just be sure the seat is down!

I shared a small bow compartment with a guy during a crossing from Hawaii to Fiji years ago...he was a sleep walker when he had to pee, but never really made it to the head. Just pissed wherever he was when his feet hit the deck. Still wonder what he dreamed about.

Still laughing! Thanks, both of ya.

Posted by: Fac Man on January 16, 2006 07:47 PM


At least now I have an excuse for my morning stupour!


Cheers pet.

Posted by: Misty on January 16, 2006 08:37 PM

Good Lord!
Now I know way too much about all of you. Willingly he won't find this, but I know some dude who pees sitting down (specifically to avoid having to clean up that 'round-the-bowl mess guys are infamous for making).
So, a few weeks ago I'm at his crib when he decides to take a trip to the loo, leaves the door open then does his biz. All of a sudden he starts screaming as if his own Roscoe had just broke off and fallen into the bowl or something.
I get scared, sort of, but I don't get up lest I catch him in a precarious position, so in my best genuinely concerned voice, I'm like "You okay in there?" "No, gotdammit, I just peed all over the bathroom!!!" So, I'm thinking "WTF dude?!?!"
Homeboy gets back to bed and explains to me that he forgot to tuck Slick Willie down where he belongs, pointing down into the bowl, and instead shot his garden hose of acid rain all over the bathroom walls, door and floor. Haha, "Wow, I must be really drunk," was his excuse. Yeah, musta been.
You must be real stupid too to be a guy and sit down an pee and forget to tuck your hose in.

Posted by: your good friend anonymous (but you know it's me, right?) on January 16, 2006 08:48 PM

On rare occasions, I've seen triple and quad streams. No way to get 'em all in the bowl! Wood complicates the chore, too.

Don't get in my way till I've had at least one cuppa. Never tried to add first thing. Add? Who the hell thought of that? Coffee dammit! Add?

Posted by: Larry on January 16, 2006 08:49 PM

wear some slippers and ya won't get your bare feet wet!

Posted by: Michele on January 17, 2006 07:27 AM

A few of my kids take that long to wake up and I know it takes me the full two hours. Didn't know they had a name for it, I just always worked around it.

Posted by: Kelly on January 17, 2006 09:16 AM

Next thing you know, there'll be a pill for that, me.

Posted by: Kelly on January 17, 2006 09:17 AM

I am usually not at my best when I wake up first thing in the morning. It generally takes a few minutes to get started. I am a big coffee drinker, but a cup of tea or hot chocolate gets me going just the same. Also, I have found that a glass of orange juice is even better, plus it has all those great vitamins.

Posted by: Kevin on January 17, 2006 10:50 AM

What the hell is wrong with you grumpy bastards? I wake up with a sunny disposition every gawdamn morning.

Posted by: SwampWoman on January 17, 2006 12:34 PM

I have had that since nine a.m.

October 5th.


Posted by: Steve H. on January 18, 2006 07:18 PM

SwampWoman: I am the same way, almost. I usually beat my alarm up* just about every morning, get out of bed, achieve balance in about 5 seconds, and the day begins. Oh, maybe a bit of growling and grring as human grizzlies are wont to do, but aside from that I am ready for the day.

*Yeah, I beal the alarm up. I go through a lot of clocks for somne reason (tah-dahBUMP) But seriously, folks...

Posted by: the friendly grizzly on January 21, 2006 07:45 AM
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