Gut Rumbles

January 02, 2006

i ain't believin' this

I don't like cats. I don't like a damn THING about cats. Cats are haughty, rotten, selfish, cold-blooded killers that ALL need to be dragged off and shot.

I don't think cats really like people, either. They just USE people for free meals and a warm place to sleep. Piss a cat off and it will shit in your bed. On purpose, the no-good bastard.

That's why I have a problem believing this story. A cat might call 911 to save its OWN ass, but it ain't gonna lift a paw to help anyone else. That's just the way cats are, kinda like the French. Ungrateful shits.

A dog probably made that call and the cat just took credit for it.

THIS is more like a cat:

A Cat's Diary (sent to me by Ruth Moran)

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repel these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 770
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 773
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


I saw this story on FOX NEWS this morning and I immediately thought of you ROB! I knew you would be the one cheeky bastart to question it! hah!

Posted by: Ruth on January 2, 2006 03:08 PM

men do not like cats because you can't control them.

Posted by: maxnnr on January 2, 2006 03:56 PM

That was brilliant, Rob. Who wrote it?

Posted by: Bane on January 2, 2006 04:41 PM

Clearly you were a cat in a past life!

Posted by: DogsDontPurr on January 2, 2006 04:47 PM are PRICELESS!

Posted by: Ruth on January 2, 2006 05:19 PM

PS...Laughing out loud, LITERALLY.....godsakes, you made my day....

Posted by: Ruth on January 2, 2006 05:20 PM

Always bitter, no progress! Too bad!

Posted by: dom on January 2, 2006 06:30 PM

I don't mind cats at all. They do have their purpose in life. They are great at rodent control. All in all, though, I prefer dogs because of their loyalty.

Posted by: Kevin on January 2, 2006 07:12 PM

I posted that cat diary a long while back, but I never would have believed I'd see it on Gut Rumbles!!! There may be hope for you after all, Rob! LOL

Posted by: Indigo on January 2, 2006 07:21 PM

I love my cat. I love my dog. Just like men and women, they're different - thenk God!

Posted by: muz on January 2, 2006 08:03 PM

Of course the cat called 911. It knew damned well that if the old geezer couldn't reach the phone to call 911 himself he for damn sure wasn't going to be able to reach a can opener and open a can of cat food for the ungrateful varmint's dinner.

Posted by: Jonathan on January 2, 2006 09:04 PM

LOL Rob.
Describes the thought processes of the sneaky critters to a T.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on January 3, 2006 12:28 AM

I'm a cat lover and this is too damn funny!
(Can I still post comment anyway?) : D

Posted by: A Different Kim on January 3, 2006 06:15 AM

Got to thinking about this, damn if I don't think Rob is part cat.

Posted by: james old guy on January 3, 2006 07:36 AM

Jonathan's right -- if that cat could have worked the can opener it wouldn't have bothered with the telephone.

Posted by: McGehee on January 3, 2006 10:00 AM

Brilliant. And true. Men do not like cats, not because we can't control them (we can, it's called a .22) but because they are self important pieces of crap.

me, I like cats. With bacon strips and a nice bearnaise. On toast, even!

Posted by: og on January 3, 2006 10:28 AM

"Men do not like cats, not because we can't control them (we can, it's called a .22) but because they are self important pieces of crap. "


Posted by: Vickie on January 3, 2006 10:36 AM

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Posted by: Cythen on January 3, 2006 03:11 PM

Dogs come to you when you call them.
Cats take a message and get back to you.

Rob honey, I reckon the only reason you don't like cats, is because you're too damn akin to them.

Posted by: Misty on January 3, 2006 05:51 PM

a site for all you cat lovers!

OG: interesting comment; the only cat I ever owned mysteriously died at the age of 5 while alone with my cat-hating husband.

Posted by: maxnnr on January 3, 2006 08:41 PM

Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped by man as gods.

They have not forgotten this fact.

Posted by: Michael in Ohio on January 3, 2006 09:07 PM

Misty called Rob a pussy! Wolf tickets! Wolf tickets!

Posted by: Bane on January 3, 2006 10:16 PM

As my tagline says:

Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.

Posted by: Joni on January 3, 2006 10:26 PM

I saw that same story and said out loud, "No fucking way." There is no fucking way that cat hit speaker phone and then hit the 911 button. I refuse to believe that shit. It seems more logical to me that some bored ass guy needed some atention.

Posted by: Pooter Vanhenski on January 3, 2006 11:41 PM

I saw another cat diary, in a New Yorker cartoon, I think:

Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.
Today-------Ate. Slept.

Posted by: Ernie G on January 4, 2006 03:30 PM

Even so-called "cat lovers" know in their hearts that cats are outside animals, that's why the diarist is so concerned.

Posted by: J-Dog on January 4, 2006 06:45 PM

Here's the dog's diary from the same joke

> > 7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
> > 10:30am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
> > 12:30pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
> > 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
> > 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

I'm pretty sure it was by Jonah Goldberg in the Corner

Posted by: Veeshir on January 5, 2006 08:27 AM

To all you naysayers, the story states that 911 was on a speed dial button and that the owner did try to train the cat previously. I imagine it could have happened exactly as reported. Cats aren't entire morons, they just have to give a crap about what you want them to do. Which is not easy. More than likely the guy pleaded with the cat to press the damn button for 45 minutes while the cat played with his feelings as if they were a small helpless mouse, while tussling with the phone on the floor. Then when the cat was getting bored, it finally hit the speed dial 911 button to move the plot forward.

Posted by: Marty on January 7, 2006 09:24 AM
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