Gut Rumbles

November 25, 2005

Something to Be Thankful For

Men, should one of you marry me, you never have to worry about being dragged by something sensitive to any mall and I might even hang out at Lowe's or Fry's with you. (That's not a blanket pitch however; I haven't listed the drawbacks to holy matrimony with the Bald One.)

Am I the only woman in the United States who hates shopping in traditionally female venues? There is nothing more mind-numbingly boring that perusing a clothing or toy store filled with other women. Ratchet the numbers up one hundred-fold, throw in a predatory gleam in each woman's eye as she is followed by the three to five offspring that she didn't have sense enough to leave at home and you have Black Friday--the day after Thanksgiving Day that leaves most retailers in the black.

No, I wasn't commandeered into shopping today, but the mere thought of being run down by a big, fat Kentucky Fried Chicken-eating harpy trying to get that marked-down Xbox for Junior (who's behind her whining that he's hungry) sends cold chills down my spine and visions of an afterlife spent in Hell.


Thank Al Gore for Internet shopping. However, before that, mail order was my friend. Both types of shopping are a bit more difficult to do now than I'm not so svelte myself, but I'd rather take my chances there than have to dodge raging female nutters playing NASCAR with full shopping carts.

UPDATE: Case in point.

The rush to get into a Michigan Wal-Mart store when the doors opened turned into a stampede. Shoppers fell and tripped over each other. A lady lost her wig and quickly put it back on as the melee continued.

:::sheesh::: Good thing her head was attached.


I'm with you, Juliette. I ventured to the mall yesterday for the first time in about 8 months. Argh! I commented to someone on how busy the car park was... was everyone practicing for Christmas?!?

Posted by: Karen in Oz on November 25, 2005 10:12 PM

You could not pay me to go in to a store today! I HATE holiday shopping!

Posted by: Maeve on November 25, 2005 10:48 PM

No, you're not the only woman of such a mind, Juliette. Add me proudly to the list. Another break in the "typical woman" mold that I've been ragging Rob about for years!

Posted by: Indigo on November 25, 2005 11:00 PM

Add another female to the list. I couldn't have put it any better. Here in Oregon they went so crazy pulling knives at each other. Getting up at 1am standing in line to be there when they open the doors at 5am. How freaking crazy can that be. I'm sorry I'm not a religuos person but what is the meaning of xmas? It has gotten way way to commercialized for me liking. Then to see this craziness I too am glad for the internet shopping.

Posted by: Trish on November 25, 2005 11:42 PM

I'm not much on shopping at the mall. Since meeting the Smashes, I've done the good friend thing and accompanied Mrs Smash there more often than I'd like to admit. However, I try to minimize the damage by going only if I can't talk her into something else.

Posted by: Joanie on November 26, 2005 05:34 AM

I can relate, Juliette. I absolutely hate shopping the day after Thanksgiving and avoid going out at all if I can. I blogged about shopping stampedes this morning in an un-PC post.

Posted by: LB on November 26, 2005 08:06 AM

I'll chime in as another female who wouldn't be caught anywhere near a mall or other retail outlet on Black Friday. Thank something or someone for internet and catalog shopping.

Posted by: Michelle on November 26, 2005 10:50 AM

Add me to the top of that list. I don't even like grocery store shopping and I'd rather be "dragged off and shot" than go to the mall on any day of the year.

It's the internet for me, although I do kind of miss leafing through the catalogs as I did in my mail order days.

Posted by: Libby on November 26, 2005 11:21 AM

There is nothing I like better than to crush the women, and hear the lamentations of their children when I get to whatever goodie they wanted, first.

I love malls, and I love shopping (but not for clothes) and I will stuff an uppity bitch in a remainders basket in a hot snap.

Posted by: Bane on November 26, 2005 11:32 AM

We women spend a lot of time justifying how we are "not like other women". Ever notice that men don't do this? I think our gender is quite insecure. What's so bad about being a woman, one like the others or not like the others?

Posted by: Renee on November 26, 2005 11:50 AM

Speaking of 'typical' women...

Over on, they've listed gifts for 'him' for 'her' and for 'kids'.

Sorry, but truth be told, even if I wanted a new cashmere sweater or a massage, I would not purchase them at Walmart. Electronics, however, the 'him' gifts are another story entirely.

I, personally, prefer my girly-gifts to arrive wrapped in robins-egg blue gift wrap.

So, you folks keep that in mind when shopping for me.


Posted by: jmflynny on November 26, 2005 12:35 PM

I hate shopping, but that's simply because I can't get anything that fits right.

The worst part is how long it took me to discover the reasons whyó I mean, I'm above-average height, sure, but I'm roughly proportionate, right?

WRONG, thanks for playing! I *look* proportionate, but everything is just enough out-of-whack from how they make clothes that literally NOTHING fits right except for shoes! And I'm in a job where I not only have to look good, but I am likely to be hard on clothes, so they can't be too expensive!

I hate shopping... for myself.

Posted by: B. Durbin on November 26, 2005 12:55 PM

B.Durbin - I hear you. The mirrors in the fitting rooms will make you look 3x fatter than your normal home mirror. If retailers were SMART they'd put in mirrors that made you look thinner, so you'd feel better and buy more clothes. Bastiches.

Posted by: Cythen on November 26, 2005 01:36 PM

Bane! Just when I thought I had you pegged. :-)

Posted by: Juliette on November 26, 2005 04:20 PM

...just not for clothes. I break a sweat over that. I'll chew my own leg off to get away. But I am a Mallie from way back, otherwise.

Posted by: Bane on November 26, 2005 05:15 PM

Shopping sucks. My husband does this dirty chore now :)

Posted by: Shawna on November 26, 2005 09:30 PM

You should try working on Black Friday. I was up at 3 am so I could be to work at 5 am. Our store didnt open till 7 am but there were people lined up at both entrances at 6:05. When we were letting employees in, one woman ran under the gate thinking we were opening early. All I have to say is if I wasn't getting paid you can bet your butt I wouldn't be anywhere near a mall or any shopping center. I won't even go near a Walmart on the weekends let alone during the weekend and Christmas.

Posted by: Shelley on November 26, 2005 10:43 PM

Every year the same thing, only MOREMOREMORE...What a wretched consumer culture--yet can't complain, can we?--it's what keeps the U.S. House of Cards intact , and your 401k steaming along, right? I won't and never have participated in this "shopping" farce. Thank God for the internet . Mall-mania: We're all W-A-Y too far gone along this path now to ever expect any significant change in direction. For the sake of your individual sanity, however, you can continue to just do your own thing and remain true to yourself. So many, many occasions crop up daily as time goes by that I harken the tag line from the old YES tune, "Yours Is No Disgrace"----------"SILLY HUMAN RACE!!!"

Posted by: JOHNNY MAC on November 27, 2005 05:57 AM

I haven't done a thing in preparation for Christmas and mall shopping isn't my forte either. Our family has been traveling to Mississippi for the past six weeks in order to help a friend who lives inside the demarcation zone, rebuild his home. Our Christmas is definately downsized and it feels wonderful. Our friend will be warm and dry. You can't buy that at a mall.

Rob, welcome home. I have been meaning to write but my hands have been swinging a hammer to help someone rebuild his life while you're rebuilding yours. It's one nail at a time, hon. Swing away!

Posted by: Susie T on November 27, 2005 08:34 AM

Clothes, shoes, shopping, fluffy cats, cute kids, cooking..... Aaaargh!

Please come home Acidman and start real blogging here again.

And, don't ever give out the keys to the blog again.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on November 27, 2005 08:40 AM

everytime i see an article, or a newscast about people stampeding or women saying crap like "men hunt ducks, we (women) hunt deals", i'm embarassed to even be a woman for a little while.

Posted by: pril on November 27, 2005 01:39 PM

Guess Henry didn't really read the post. However, I look forward to Rob's return also. Actually, I look forward to see the manefestation of all of our prayers for him.

Posted by: Juliette on November 27, 2005 05:54 PM

Heh Juliette, as a policy, our family does not do any shopping on Black Friday. If we do anything other than "hang out," we go to a movie.

From the pictures, I think that I may live within walking distance of the Walmart that made the national news, not that I was anywhere near it on Friday.

Posted by: The Thomas on November 27, 2005 07:28 PM

hey everybody; mr. Smith is out tommorow. Lock your daughters away.

Posted by: steve on November 27, 2005 08:18 PM

OMG!!! I hate shopping on a QUIET day!
And on Black Friday, that same crap happens every year. People hurt each other to get that $10 off. Freakin' ridiculous!!!
These are the same people beating each other up just before Christmas, trying to get that "hot item" toy for their bratty kids who say they'd "better" have that present under the tree. Give 'em COAL, I say!!!

Posted by: dustbunny101 on November 27, 2005 09:28 PM

Juliette, marry me. I will NEVER take you shopping.
Unless you like Home Depot, of course.

Posted by: Horrabin on November 27, 2005 10:19 PM

Add me to this list too. I shop mostly on the internet...finding what I want and price comparing. Then I go to the store that has exactly what I want, buy it and go home.

Posted by: Kelly on November 28, 2005 05:11 AM

You nailed it, Juliette. It's bad enough that I have to contend with the traffic around the mall every. damn. work day, holidays or not. It soured me on malls long ago. Internet or catalogs for this gal.

Posted by: MoK on November 28, 2005 07:58 AM

Big fat ditto here! I hate shopping... unless I know specifically what I want AND I've done the research before leaving the house to know which store sells it cheapest. The one and only thing I hate about going to my in-law's house for Thanksgiving is the obligatory day-after ALL DAY shopping spree with Grandma who can barely move but has the defiance of a teenager. Grrr! And if I elected to not go.... oh the guilt.

Posted by: Danielle on November 28, 2005 12:23 PM

Yep - this is why my Xmas shopping has been done (& wrapped even!) for weeks. I DO like to shop, just not in the Xmas crowds. Nutzoids...

Posted by: Lisa on November 29, 2005 08:20 PM
Post a comment

*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.