October 08, 2005
When I was sick the other day--- I must have been REALLY sick, because I thought today was Friday until I saw the kids playing in the neighborhood while I was trying to fix my mailbox--- I had the strangest dream.
I was riding in a vehicle like a jeep or a Volkwagon "Thing" that was open-air with no roof on it. A grill was sticking out on the front--- not a car grill, but a barbeque kinda grill, and bacon was sizzling on it. The bacon was nowhere nearly done, but the tires of the car were throwing black specks all over the bacon. I knew nobody could eat bacon cooked like that.
We were headed down Bay Street in Savannah, going right by the post office. Jennifer's mama was driving the car. Jennifer was sitting in the seat behind me. She started kissing the back of my neck.
"Your mama is so proud of the award you won," she said. I had no clue what she was talking about. WHAT award? Where was I and what was I doing there?
Jennifer kept kissing on me and said, "I'm starting to like you again. Why don't we get together and talk after you pick up your award? It comes with a lot of money."
You wanna know the damndest thing? In that dream I WANTED to stop and talk with her. I remember thinking, "this can't be real," but it seemed real enough to suit me at the time. I just wondered how to ditch her mama and where we were gonna go to talk. I even thought about making love to her again.
I woke up sick as a dog and had to avail myself of my bedside puke-bucket for a while. I was running a pretty high fever at the time, and I always nut-up when I run a fever.
But what really disturbed me was the fact that I WANTED HER BACK. I could never do that in real life, but in my dream, it seemed perfectly acceptable.
Okay, all you psychologists out there. Explain THAT one to me.
She kicked your ass to the curb and you never figured out why.
Maybe some pontificating bloviators can elucidate my explanation, but I think it is sufficiently clear.
My shrink would say that you still have feelings for Jennifer. and you have unresolved issues.
Rational thought is not functioning in a dream. Love is an irrational state--you still love her, but when you're conscious you can suppress that with the rational knowledge of it being a bad idea.
So when the hell does this story end? Seriously, this is the greatest classic work of non-fiction yet. I admit, I'm transfixed on every word, sputter that flows from your dying hands. The strength to, just...reach...the key...board. Why don't you just put up a web cam?
I've read you for years, and you're a phoney. You're a flake, liar and cheat.
2far2care, I just got back, a little while ago, from visiting my own dying 89-year-old Daddy, in the local hospice. I'm about Rob's age m'self, and though I'm not in as bad shape as he is, I'm feeling as fragile as most guys my age.
Nonetheless, I find myself suppressing a very strong unlawful desire to look you up and *hurt* you.
this was one of my favorite of your posts. i'm an extremely avid dreamer, and yet i'm pretty sure i'm also a sound sleeper (just to dispell claims that dreamers are not good sleepers), but at least 4-5 days a week, i wake up from some of the most amazing dreams, many times long sagas that feel like they were directed by cecille b. demille. i'm talking like real crazy stuff. in one dream i went on a time machine ride in a freight car through an old, dank neverending tunnel with the entire history of europe, up to the concentration camps and toppling of the berlin wall, happening LIVE on the walls of the tunnel (as if it were coming from a really sharp projector). it felt like that trippy boat ride in the willy wonka movie.
it's been my experience that our dreams are so random, yet tethered to some degree of rational thought, that we have a mishmosh of truth, desire and abstraction all fighting for a leading role in our subconscious mind.
i agree with everything grand fromage said.
what a great post. you're such an incredible writer. wow.
Where you wanna be
Rob, the same thing happens to me occasionally (dreaming about getting back with the ex), but I wouldn't want her back after what she put me through. Besides, I'm married to a good, faithful woman now. I haven't seen or heard from my ex in over 13 years, but I still dream about her every two or three months - when I do, I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking I must be insane. The crazy thing is my ex's name is Jennifer, too. Maybe that's one of the things that keeps me coming back to read your blog.
I have strange dreams like that all the time.....and as I am dreaming them, a part of me realizes how screwed up it all is....I also dream about dead people, and in my dream they are alive, and as I am talking to them, I realize they are dead (like a dead relative, or friend, etc) And oftentimes (in my dream) I evem mention to them "hey, I thought you passed away" and they invariably shrug it off, and say "yeah, but its all fine now"....(talk about waking up FREAKED OUT)
My husband, of course, thinks I am nuts.
And the bacon on the grill (cooking as you drive) I once had a dream where people on my town green landed and took off (like for some sort of public appearance/event) in a giant teakettle. So the bacon on the grill actually isnt as freaky as some of the shit I have had spinning thru my head at night...
I'm better with tarot cards but I'll take a stab at dream interpretation. I'm guessing your breakup with Jennifer was abrupt and you never sat down and discussed it, leaving unresolved feelings. Driving past the Post Office indicates a wish to "hear" from her, to find closure. That she was using sex and talking about your money reflects the nature of the relationship. Perhaps you feel that she used you for that. I think also that you loved her greatly, so considering taking her back symbolizes your desire to fall in love again.
The mother-in-law symbolizes obstacles and perhaps your desire to be closer to your kid, something that is being blocked by his mother. The dirty bacon symbolizes your fears and your anger at losing your strength and your ability to go out and work hard to earn more money.
Now maybe you can interpret the vivid dream I had last night. My old bosses and half the client base showed up to my house for a party I didn't remember inviting them to. I had no food and no drinks. People kept calling to say they were on their way and I kept asking them to bring food but they never showed up and the kitchen kept getting messier everytime I walked into it. The last time I walked in, there was a mountain of melting ice on the floor that covered up a pile of empty beer bottles. I wasn't dreaming about sex, but I woke up abruptly, and I was having a huge orgasm.
Gotdamn! Even when you're on your way to Mr. Grims house the trolls come out!
True love is as indestructable as gravity. You loved Jen with all your heart, and even though she turned out not to be who she presented herself as, your love was everything it was billed as, plus a little.
You aren't going to quit loving Jen any more than you could quit loving Sam or your mom. She's a cold-blooded snake, but that doesn't matter. You did all the right things, and you are doing all the right things now.
And, that's just the way it is.
I'm too much of a 'tard to contibute intelligently to this conversation, so I just post inane drivel instead.
You've said it yourself (I think): You're still in love with her -- and that's too bad.