October 08, 2005
thank you, thank you
I really enjoyed some of the comments I received on the two-sentence post I threw on the blog yesterday, before I spent the next 18 hours in a hallucinigenic fever. Alan S. is a belly-crawling cocksucker in my book, because he knows NOTHING about me, and his idea of "compassion" seems to be that he would be the first person to throw a torch on the pyre if I were tied to a stake to be burned alive.
Libby--- go away and break my fucking heart. Pity party, my ass.
I DO NOT want my son to see me in my current condition. Going to the Helen blog-meet was a mistake, because I got too much advice (I know it was well-intentioned, but it's MY fucking life) from people telling me what I ought to do. Hell, I was too weak to leave my room very often and I never did make it to the river.
People-- I KNOW what is wrong with me. I am dying.
I have a couple of simple choices: pay the quacks all the money I have to keep me alive a little longer, or face the inevitable and save my money for my children. I choose door #2.
BEJUS! How many times did people say, "Think about your children, Rob!" I AM thinking about my children. I haven't seen Quinton since my mama's funeral and I see Samantha about twice a year. I ain't exactly a highly-involved daddy to those two.
Tropical Storm Tammy blew my mailbox down again, and I'm trying to fix it. But I have to do it in shifts, because I can't just go out there and grab it and growl anymore. I got a new post, but just dragging that thing out to the curb exhausted me. I had to sit in the grass and rest for a while.
Now, I've got to dig a hole for the new post. That's gonna get done one piece at a time, because that's the best I can do. I may be finished by tomorrow.
Yesterday, I paid off $10,000 in medical bills that my pissant insurance won't cover. See--- some of my problems come from a "pre-existing condition." That shit ain't covered. And it AIN'T hepatitus, Alan, you fuckface. If I do that shit every month, nothing will be left for my children and it ain't gonna save my life, either.
You people do me a big favor. Stop giving me "good" advice when you don't have a clue what you're talking about. Knowing that you're dying is bad enough without people harping at you all the time.
Thank you very much.
Just know I love ya dude. My RX--- Kick back and watch the Dawgs beat the SHIT out of the Volmitqueers. I expect to see an excellent SEC championship game between the Dawgs and the Tide. Class vs. Class.
Damn well said, my friend. I'll say no more. You know your mind, and I respect that. Been a hell of ride, hasn't it?
And Dane Bramaged dude...that day may come, but it ain't THIS day! We both know who rules the SEC!
We had gathered as much, reading between the lines. It is completely reasonable to do it your way.
We'll just miss your writing, so I hope you don't hurry too fast.
Rob, I enjoy your writing. We have never met but you have become part of our daily lives. I can't think of how many times I have called my dear hubby in to read a post or mentioned, "Rob said..................." during a conversation.
I accept that death is part of life and that there are worse things than death. It does not appear that you have much help at the Crackerbox. While dying is not an option, it is not necessary to do it all alone. Would you consider a visit to a doc who can set up a referral to Hospice (if it is appropriate at this time)? We had Hospice for the last few days of my father's life. I regret that we did not call them MUCH sooner. They are NOT for the last days of life only. They can help you with many things. For my father, pain relief was the most important thing. It sounds like you are enduring what may be unnecessary pain. Please, don't do that to yourself.
And as a child who has lost her father, I regret that I let old grudges and a new job keep me from spending more time with him. I would encourage you to allow Quinton and Samantha to share this time with you. I understand that you don't want them to see you at less than your best. This time is precious and I would ask that you consider how much it will mean to them later.
Take care of yourself, Rob. If I may be of any assistance or aid, please send me a note. You don't have to do this all alone.
Shit. When you put it that way, all I can say is I'm sorry for shooting my mouth off. Once again, I misread the situation. I thought you just needed some tough talking to by a stranger.
Now that I understand the impossible choice, I have to admit I feel like a jerk for butting in when I didn't have all the information. Knowing that I would probably make the same choice under the circumstances doesn't make me feel any better.
--wipes a tear of rage off her face over the unfairness of life--
If you don't mind, I guess I'll keep hanging around to "cheer" you up in your waning days.
Rob, what are you dying of?
It's good to see at least one citizen facing it like a mensch. Pain control would be a good thing, had not the governments forced the physicians into pussydom.
There are no right words at a time like this. Please let us know if you need anything from Savannah, and we can drive it out to you.
You gave me some very sage advice earlier in the year when I was going through my bout with cancer and I really appreciated it. I'm wishing you all the best! Hopefully we can get together again someday for a drink and another game of poker! *even if I did lose*
It looks like Rob was trying, in the most recent post, to tell us with pictures what would could not -- or would not -- see with his words.
Dying is something that each and every one of us has to endure, there is no getting out of it. Yet, we are all so unprepared for it. That must be Someone's idea of a joke. It's not funny.
The best I can hope for you -- for myself, and for anyone -- is to die on your own terms. Hopefully, you can do that; sounds like you have a plan. A plan is always good.
Don't be too hard on your readers, Rob. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but if they cared to comment, it probably means they care.
You know I'm not really into the religious stuff but I am sending positive vibes your way from Texas.
I feel like a heel. Please know we were all too cowardly to accept what you seem to be bravely facing. We all love reading your blog and you reveal so much of yourself that we felt like friends, even though many of us have never met you.
No more butting in, I promise. Just good thoughts, prayers and wishes that you are comfortable.
Dax says you're just a drunk.
Nobody lives forever and if you see your train coming then YOU get to decide what to do, no one else.
Your blog is a fun read because you express yourself in what I call a 'no bs' style.
Do it your way and have fun until you drop 'A' man.
No advice here, just opinion. Rob, you do what you think is best for your kids, and fuck everyone else. Basically, the same thing you're doing (which is why it isn't advice).
Just know that there are people spread all over this country who are thinking about you, and hoping for the best. I love this site and your writings -- you should try and figure out how to keep them preserved -- and think you're a great human being. We come from similar situations, though -- poor southern folk, people who see life for what it is.
So we'll miss you, but fuckit man -- you've done a lot. You've taken on the shittest end of a stick, and stuck through it. You've raised two children the right way. You're a good person and you'll be missed when it happens, even by people you've never met in person.
You may not believe in God, and I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise, but you're in my prayers.
I've only been reading your blog for a few months, but I've loved every single minute of it, even when I disagree with you which is quite rare.
I dont really know what else to say other than, "Thank You"! I've enjoyed the ride and will continue to do so, hopefully, for a long time to come.
(Yeah, I realize this isn't an obit, but as you've so eloquently related so many times, there's no since in waiting until it's too late to say something, so I'm saying it now. At least this way, when that inevitable day comes, I won't have to say, "I wish I'd said something sooner"!)
So....how much would you charge to take messages to the other side?
I want to be a pallbearer. If I go first, I want you to be one of mine.
I knew in my heart what was happening and what you had decided...I just hoped it was otherwise.
I've enjoyed reading your blog; it's probably the most honest and transparent writing out there. I'm sure I voice what others are thinking: honored you're sharing this time with us.
I don't know what cranks your handle, but do something every day to generate uplifting endorphins. After all, we live in a feel-good society; you might as well get with the program.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
I love your blog because of your no nonsense wisdom. As a registered nurse, with years of experience , I wasn't surprised to see you post that you know you are dying. I think so too. You have however made a surprisingly rapid shift from planning to record an album to too weak to fix a mailbox or walk. I'm not one to tell others what to do- consider a doctors visit if only to get something as simple as a blood transfusion to shore up your strength. If you truly know you are dying then do so comfortably and inobtrusably. There's no dignity in suffering needlessly = Jennifer doesn't give a crap and your kids won't miss you any more if you suffer- You ARE depressed ! Maybe rightfuly so. $10,0000.00 in medical bills NOT covered? SHIT!!
I want to trip Velociman. Then I want to be a pall bearer for him. It shouldn't be too long. Velociman is pretty old.
Just wanted to say hello and "GO DAWGS!!"
You're one hell of a guy.
I don't know what else to say besides take care of yourself as best you can. And know that lots of people care about you and love you.
A-Man .. You wouldn't know me if I stood on your toes, but in the years since a friend referred me to your writing, I've read every entry in this b-log and come to think of it as one of my better learning experienes, and I thank you for that.
I consider it an honor to be one of your readers and will continue to be as long as you choose to publish.
Should the world be lucky enough to have your writings preserved, it is my hope that somewhere, sometime, someone will gather them and say to another, "Here are the writings of a man showing us how to experience life. Here also is how a courageous man faces his mortality."
Well, crap. I'm gonna miss you, Rob. I don't comment much, but I stop by frequently. Unfortunately, they broke the mold when they made you - wish there were more like ya. I'm finding myself short of platitudes that might or might not help.
You have made your mark on this world and won't be forgotten.
Smoke dope, drink hard liquor and chronicle your last days online.
A blogdom first.
Go out in flames.
Either shit, or get off the pot.
Funny, this is about the 5th time I've read this same post tonight. I believe, like some, that with any and everything you read, there's always that one thing that stands out, that one thing you focus on.
"People-- I KNOW what is wrong with me. I am dying."
So why is that mine? Dammit Rob! I should probably just delete this and move on. Care to explain why I can't? Kinda like why you had no problem walking along that bridge handrail but didn't really enjoy the idea of your brother doing so.
Sometimes we do, and say, things we don't appreciate while we're doing them. Yeah, this is my second response to this post; sue me!
Man, I hope I can feel the same way at the same time in my life.
I'm pretty impressed.
As for the nitwits giving you a hard time, the best revenge is thinking about what small people they are and how much their lives must suck. No matter what bad things happen, only you can make your life shitty.
Decisions like that can only be made by the person whose life is on the line. It takes a lot of courage to say "no more" to the money grubbing healthcare system and do it on your own terms. My hat is off to you....you rock.
Just live it as you want to. Sure there are lots of folks with good intentions, but if you aren't happy, what's the point. And the damn medical establishment, HMO's etc, all they want is your bucks. And to maybe use you to experiment that latest "treatment" on.
Love the Blog!! One of the most honest no BullShit things I've seen. I may not always agree with you, but hey. If we all thought the same, it would be pretty damn boring wouldn't it?
I love you Acidman.
"People-- I KNOW what is wrong with me. I am dying."
We all are, Rob.
But I do hope that you will be around for a long, long time -- please, God, happy and healthy.
....... Nothing I can say changes a damn thing. But know this, sir.
Not only have you raised your kids right, but when you look at Juliette", Donnie and me, well then, you can add to the lengthy and distinguished list of things you've done right in this world.
I know I can speak for every blogger who has started their own site as a result of your inspiration when I say this.
We're damned proud to be yours, Rob. And ever shall be.
Oh, and Rob........have your guns archived properly, and give 'em to Quentin when he's 21. The BC won't be able to say shit about it then.
Sloop New Dawn
My dad has made the same choice you've made as far as medical treatments. He, too, wants to leave money behind for his family. My mother is with him, to help him with the pain medicine that he will agree to take.
I respect your choice, but hope you won't decide that "alone" is the only way you have to die. You look to have some people who really care for and about you. Don't shut them out. If not for yourself, for them. Don't think that the money you leave for your children will take your place.
It's been a pleasure reading you... even when I've not always agreed with you.
I see death a lot in my job. It is a sad often lonely thing. I pray you let friends and family stay with you,love you, and support you.
I want to say one more thing...since you have not spent time in the past with your kids, maybe...just maybe....accepting medical help, spending money for more time ( to focus on your kids ) ...may be a bigger gift FOR them than dying fast and leaving them money...
Does that make any sence?
I would CHERISH time ( to resolve 'issues' ) with my father before he passed than a million dollars. Our ...history ...will haunt me forever...I would rather have had peace of mind, and love in my heart...than him to die quickly and leave money.
JUST A STUPID OPINION....( I know they are like assholes, we all have them )...
I will pray for you...
And hun, you are NOT alone....I hope you understand what I mean by that.
Okay, you are morally obligated, like it or not, and don't deny, but you ARE MORALLY OBLIGATED, to tell us what you are dying of, specific too, not just "cancer" or "my heart".
Also, obligated to tell us how long you got.
Since you were a bartender, what drink would you like us to toast your transfromation with?
(Warner Von Braun: "Science has taught me there is no death, only transformaton.")
A friend had your seafood pie. He said it was delicious, bastard didn't or couldn't save any for me.
What song? Maybe you could write one.
Have you thought of running a cam?
Think about it, but don't take your time obviously.
Good luck no matter where you go and whatever happens.
Godspeed! I am so sorry you have to take this trip. If it is inevitable, may God take you swiftly, peacefully, with a smile on your pleasant face. I have truly enjoyed your writing and I will miss you my friend.
I'm terribly sorry to read about this. All my best wishes, and her's hoping that you can survive anyway.
You are a good man to choose life over death. Spending money on a few more days of dying does nothing for the living.
Get that mailbox up. ;)
I hope you get better.
I feel very enriched that I have been able to read your postings in this blog over the last few years.
I hope that sometime in the future you are better and I manage to wander over there and buy you dinner.
It is the least I can do for all the wonderful hours I have spent reading about you and your views.
Check out the local Hospice program. They may still cover you (alot are non-profit type outfits) even if you are not Medicare eligible.
If they seem right to you then they may pay for all medications related to your terminal illness. At least that will help keep you comfortable and might leave more for your children.
If they aren't right for you then so be it.
I don't know who wrote "do not go gently into that dark night", but I never did like that advice. There are few things more noble than facing death with disdain and bravery.
We're all going to die, and more power to man who understands this and still has the fortitude to choose what is best for his children.
God speed, though not too fast.
Sail on Rob.
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
No one should be happy to read about this. Curmudgeons are plentiful, but an intelligent curmudgeon is a rarity. Ask Dr. Johnson.
Please make sure that everything you have written is on disks in two safe boxes.
Your money may ease their way a little but It's your courage that will stay on and enrich them.
"No one here gets out alive."
Some people can never get it through their heads.
You're a grown-up, Rob: it's all your call. Just do what you do, and to hell with the rest of it.
You are further along the path we all must. eventually take. But hey, you never know, one of us may cut line.
In any case- thoughts and prayers coming your way from as many directions as there are compasss points.
I am sure you are very brave man! And all I can say to you is: have it your way!
I think your public death demystifies death itself.
I respect the attitude you've taken. I hope I acquit myself as well.
Came over at Insta-aggregator's recommendation. Sorry 'bout the diagnosis. Saving money for kids? Rand would not approve. Paying quacks? Put em on the never-never plan. "A dollar down and a dollar a week" as the old song went is a good plan. Let the lawyers sort it out.
Walking my own path, I find that all the twists and turns lead to the center of me. What I now learn is that my perspective changes and what I once saw so righteous, clear and pure is now slightly embarassing. I shoulda been smarter, but I was so busy being right. Point being, all our paths should lead to conclusions and changes in perspective.
Where have we been and what did we learn? Personal tales? Yep. But worth mining as long as they're not boring. Sinking into silence seems a waste of all the acts and ego that got you to this point.
As Brother Dave Gardner once said "Everything you have ever said or done has brought you to this exact moment in space and time". All those choices were made towards an end. What was it?
Here we are like kids at the fair, waiting for our turn to ride the big roller coaster for the one and only time life allows. You may get to ride before me, but with life's uncertainty, who can know? I trust that the ride's Designer will make it as thrilling for you as I believe it will be for me when my ticket is taken. I do know, from my brief time in body, that suffering can have a great spiritual value. I pray you find the worth of yours, and that it gives you the peace that passes understanding.
When the Reaper comes, ask him if he'd like to play a few hands of poker.
Nothing to say that hasn't been said or that you'd care to hear. Just that I've always loved your blog, your writing and your attitude. I know your thoughts about organized religion, but I hope you won't take offense if I say a devout prayer that God takes you into His heart and brings you to where there is no more pain, forever
Vaya con Dios, A-man.
Been here before and you are one of a kind, been an honor to read your blog.
Pierre "PAPADOC" Legrand
I recently faced emergency cardiac surgery, have no insurance, and had to face the issue of spending my limited resources on surgery or leaving it to my children.
That is not an easy thing to face, and any decision you make is likely to be second-guessed by others.
I hope your days are as pain-free as they can be.
Good luck to you and your kids. I am sorry you are dying. For those people who are annoying you--screw them.
Suffering to no purpose has no spiritual value.
Drugs have a purpose. Use them.
Just sorry I'm such a johnny-come-lately to your site.
Like your attitude man.
See ya on the other side.
I have enjoyed your honest and entertaining writing for the last year and a half. I will miss it..
.. and you.
Vaya con Dios, amigo, and happy trails to you.
I think Half Canadian above has misquoted and misunderstood Dylan Thomas. As for me, I favor raging against the dying of the light with both middle fingers extended.
Best of luck and godspeed in whatever decisions you make. FWIW, in the brief time I have known you through this blog, I've never known anyone who came as close to the lyrics of "The Man of Constant Sorrow" as you.
Say hi to Steve Goodman for me after you cross over. Tonight I'll raise a glass to you both.
For what it's worth: when my father was dying, my stepmother managed to work things so that it was never a good time for me to come home & see him. Reasons for that are irrelevant to you, of course. Now, my relationship to my father was, shall we say, distant. I disappointed him in a lot of ways, not big ones, just the wrong father for the wrong son. And I can't say that I pressed hard to come home anyway. The point being that I should have, and wish I had, despite it all. So my two bits is that one thing that your kids might need is an invitation to come home & see you. No matter what shape you are in, or why you are in it. Reason being, they might to see you, for later on, whether they know it or not right now.
No advice, no words of wisdom, just praying for you.
Last sentence: Reason being, they might NEED to see you...
None of my business anyway, just my experience from the kid's side of things. Your mileage might differ.
I've liked your blog for more than two years, so this is of course bad news. I've seen more friends and lovers die than most men my age, but that makes me less of a know-it-all about death than I used to be. (All I can say is that it's personal and we all do it.) I wouldn't offer advice even if I had it, so I'll just say I admire you and your blog, and I feel I know and like you better than a lot of people I've "known" and spent time with. That's more than I can say for a lot of people I've known in the flesh.
Anyway, take care, and thanks.
Boy have I missed a lot. Well, I hope you are just being pessimistic, but either way, Godspeed sir and may days be merry and bright.
A Coward Dies a Thousand Deaths,
The Valiant Die but Once.
God bless you and keep you, Valiant One. Good Luck and Strength to you.
It has been a delight and pleasure to read your blog. There is an unhappy time for you to pass. May I suggest the great Hesse's SIDDARTHA and Alan Watt's THE WAY OF ZEN.
I just read the puppy blenders post about you, so I know you've been instalaunched Or is that instapummeled?
The worst part of your journey is the distance from your kids, that could be the light at the end of the tunnel for you.
Jims post made lots of sense about you archiving your guns for Quinton. A lasting and life time treasure for him, and a message of your undying love for your son.
Anyhoo, your intelligence and farsight will be missed, and I wish there were some way your blog could be perpetuated for readers to come and once again enjoy your wisdom, humour and your shared stories.
May blessings come your way, and light shine upon your heart.
I read your blog daily but don't comment much. I just want to say thanks for your blog. You're appreciated by more people than you know.
Never heard of you. But I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. God be with you.
Peace be with you.
Your children will think of you and miss you every day. Your day to day courage, humor and common sense will not be forgotten.
When my kids say thier prayers tonight, they'll include one for a good old boy from Georgia.
God be with you.
all I will say is...
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Keep ranting and raving Acidman!!!
I won't go former profession on you . . . though for my part I enjoyed every give and take on that basis . . .
However . . . both the Prof and Beck went beyond the existential . . . I do, too.
Worth a passing consideration, considering all, eh?
Plan for all contingencies in a major journey, my friend.
I came to give support because of a link from Glenn at Instapundit but I stayed to read almost two months of posts! You have a way of stating in two paragraphs what it would take anyone else to say in two pages and I'm sorry I only just now discovered your blogging.
I'm sorry to hear of your illness. You certainly don't need any opinions from people you don't know, but fight as hard as you can and, please know that you are in my prayers as you deal with this stage of life.