September 28, 2005
things i learned from movies
I've been studying and here are the facts:
* All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.
* All wimmen are beautiful and horny for an action hero.
* You should ALWAYS hold a pistol sideways in your hand.
* If you are diving or doing summersaults, you can't be shot.
* If you know kung-fu, you can fly. Why the NBA doesn't recruit those air-ladder climbers is a mystery to me.
* Good guys always get wounded in the left shoulder or the leg.
* Whores have hearts of gold. (Some actually do! But most don't.)
* All action heroes can drive with the skill of a NASCAR racer.
* Bad guys can't shoot for shit. Even with automatic weapons.
* ALL bombs on timers tick down to about two seconds before the action hero figures out which wire to cut to disarm it, and then go fuck the girl.
* Magic guns exist. A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading. I've SEEN that on television, and I want a gun that loads itself. I'd pay good money for that.
* Every Vietnam veteran has a footlocker stored somewhere with grenades, dynamite and some kind of exotic high-powered rifle in there.
* Wimmen who go through the wringer, damn near get killed and have to crawl through a sewer to survive emerge with manicured nails with no dirt under them. Their coif usually doesn't look too bad, either.
Movies---just like a real slice of life.
Don't forget: Always run *toward* automatic weapons fire!
Death Wish series.
Can't beat it. Also Bronson's "The Mechanic".
I always figued that if Arnold could kill at least fifty peole while he was on skis flying down a hill the movies sucked! And that was without reloading!
I was really impressed by Cold Mountain. That mountain girl in the cabin with the new baby looked like an Italian superstar just out of the beauty salon, heavily made up with a $200 hair do.
Don't forget the gun stores that people go to in the movies; you can get any fully auto firearm made, grenades, C4, any type of cutting edge military equipment; why aren't there any places like that in my town?
Other famous movie "factoids"
The Eifle Tower is visible from any window in Paris.
In a war movie the young soldier who shows his buddies a photo of the girl he is going to marry when he gets home is the next one to get killed in battle.
The tough guy hero can get the crap pounded out of him in a fight withought ever showing any distress but will wince and flinch when his foxy babe tenderly cleans his wounds.
1. Everyone always gets a parking space precisely in front of where they want to go.
2. Tires screech when starting from a dead stop, even on dirt roads and when the streets are wet.
How about swords that slide out of scabbards with a whooshing metallic sound even when the scabbards are made of leather?
(And if they did that every time they pulled a sword out of a metal scabbard, would the sword be dull beyond use?)
My favorite is the made-for-tv "Catherine the great" Her palace guards hold off the slavering masses with Mosin Nagant M1891 rifles.
Ol' Cat the great died in 1765.
I'd also like to learn how to shoot a rifle out of someone's hands with a snub nosed .38 revolver at a range of over 75 yards. Double action.
You can shoot submachineguns in a hallway or closed room, and have no problem hearing afterward.
You can shoot an entire magazine from an M-16 into a small dinosaur without it noticing, but stick a spear in it and it dies.
You can be knocked unconscious and two hours later even the headache is gone.
When you draw a gun it makes all kinds of clickety-click noises. Even if it's a revolver. Or doesn't HAVE a safety.
Cars also burst into flames in midair if they go off of cliffs. Must be some factory setting.
My favorite movie that I felt actually was a pretty realistic depiction of how an event would occur was the opening scene of I, Spy..the one with Owen Wilson and Eddie Murphy in it. That scene right there...enough to make you ache with laughter.
My sword is not kept in a scabbard. OK, OK - there is that leather thingy..........
I love gang bangers in movies that favor the Mac 9 or 10 (or UZI), whose clip empties in something like 1 1/2 to 2 seconds, that have the ones that just keep on firing - like the Energizer Bunny.
But, my all time favorite (being a Sci-Fi freak) is pick ANY Star Trek series, episode, or movie, and when the crap hits it, 3 things happen within the first 10 to 20 seconds of the battle. Come on - you know what they are....... 1. Shields fail, 2. Engines go off line, and 3. Weapons fail / go off line. Fucking amazing, all that technology and you can't even keep the basics going when the shit hits the fan.
OOH! OOH! And when the captain orders evasive maneuvers, they cut to an outside view of the ship - AND IT STILL GOES IN A STRAIGHT LINE!! Must be a pretty short learning curve on that maneuver.
Here is a great lesson I learned from movies. If someone opens up on you with a machine gun, you have to bend over while you're running. Then the bullets can't hit you.
I remember a magazine article from the late 70s (I think - might have been early 80s). The author stated that he knew that Japanese car companies were a good investment when he compared a Japanese action movie with an American one:
In the American movie, as stated above, the car breaks through the guardrail and explodes in mid-air. In the Japanese movie, the car breaks through the guardrail (with the hero bailing out just in the nick of time) and rolls several times going down the hill. When the hero catches up to it, he pushes it onto its wheels, hops in, and drives away.