Gut Rumbles

September 16, 2005


Here are a few of my favorite "Southernisms."

*Happy as a dead pig in sunshine.

*Hard as Chinese arithmetic.

*Ran like Moody's Goose.

*Dumb as a can of dirt.

*Mixed up as a frog in a blender.

*Lazy as a cut dog.

*Tighter than Dick's hatband, which I always thought might be a reference to circumcision.

*Happy as a dog with two dicks.

*The best part of him dripped down his mama's leg.

*Ran like a rat with its ass on fire.

*I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and then sell him for what he THINKS he's worth. I could retire tomorrow.

*He's too lazy to wipe his own ass. He just waits for it to dry up and flake off by itself.

*Fish, or cut bait.

*If wishes were horses, beggars could ride.

*Shit, or get off the pot.

*Hold my beer and watch THIS! (Sometimes--- famous last words.)

I really like living in the South.


My favorite from my grandpa from Alabama:
When asked "how are you?"
Fine as frog hair split four ways.

Posted by: Sami on September 16, 2005 01:15 PM

"Hornier 'n a two-peckered billy goat."

Posted by: mostly cajun on September 16, 2005 01:17 PM

"I'll beat you like a rented mule"

"That thing's heavier than a dead preacher"

Posted by: Larry Kephart on September 16, 2005 01:25 PM

"I'm happy as a tick on an artery."
"He doesn't know whether to wind his butt or scratch his watch."
"He's about as useful as tits on a bull."

Posted by: Tony on September 16, 2005 01:32 PM

"Killed him deader than fried chicken."
"Sweatin' like a whore in church"
"Ain't been this happy since the hogs ate my little sister"
"Dumb as a bag of hammers"
"That boy's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice" - That one's a Foghorn Leghorn-ism, and no one can say he ain't Southern!

There's one saying about telling how good a revival meeting was by how many acres of crops are fucked flat afterwards (apparently people get horny at these things) but I can't remember the whole quote.

Posted by: El Capitan on September 16, 2005 01:56 PM

these dogs will all hunt but sometimes that dog won't bark
and that dog ain't gonna hunt.

Posted by: GUYK on September 16, 2005 02:10 PM

"He ain't wrapped too tight."

"Took off like a scalded dog."

"He ain't drunk. I just seen his foot move."

"He could talk the horns off a billy goat."

Posted by: Ernie G on September 16, 2005 02:24 PM

"Crazy as an outhouse rat"
"Gay as a football bat"

Posted by: Tony on September 16, 2005 02:35 PM

Well one of my favorites (that my mother used to say) was.....(and this would be in response to me complaining about something that I found rather unpleasant, yet unavoidable)

She would say: "Well, you can get used to hangin' if you do it long enough"

In other words, grin and bear it, as theres nothing you can do to change it....

And my grandmother (a German immigrant) when she would get her words mixed up, and come out with something a little bit backwards would often say: "Take a Dutchman as he MEANS, not as he SAYS"....

Those are two of my favs.....

Posted by: Ruth on September 16, 2005 02:40 PM

"She looked like death chewing on a cracker"....

Posted by: blondage on September 16, 2005 02:47 PM

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first

Posted by: Vtwin on September 16, 2005 02:49 PM

"Harder than a wedding dick." Used to describe the firmness of the fairways at the local "dog track" golf course.

Posted by: David Spence on September 16, 2005 02:57 PM

"Scattered like a madwoman's shit."

"So nervous, you couldn't pound a nail up his ass with a sledgehammer."

"So scared, my ass pulled ten pounds of cotton outen the seat of my pickup truck."

"Ugly as Death backing out of a shithouse readin' Mad magazine."

Posted by: Elisson on September 16, 2005 02:58 PM

"Dang....she's eat up with ugly"

Posted by: Tony on September 16, 2005 03:33 PM

"Happy as a sissy on a troop train".

Posted by: Mike on September 16, 2005 03:36 PM

And my step-father used to say: "Bless her heart, she's ugly as a bar of homemade soap!"

Posted by: Mike on September 16, 2005 03:38 PM

How about "he couldn't pour the piss out of a boot, it the instructions were on the heel"?

And Ruth? As a Dutchman, my father would always tell me that "the only good German was a dead one". He would also say "if your not Dutch, your not much". : ) Funny the animosities between two cultures that are that close, isn't it?

Posted by: delftsman3 on September 16, 2005 04:51 PM

"Colder than a frog's ass" and "slick as snot" were always favorites.

"stomp a mudhole in..."

Versions already posted the way I've heard them in Southern Mississippi:

"Dumber than a box of dirt" (also: bag of doorknobs, box of nails, just plain "dumber than dirt")

"Crazy as a shithouse rat"

And one you've mentioned not long ago on this site, "Horny as a goat."

Remember, like my college history teacer told us, the difference between a yankee and a damn yankee is a yankee comes to visit, and a damn yankee buys land and stays.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on September 16, 2005 04:57 PM

"I've known him since he was knee-high to a grasshopper."

Posted by: Stu on September 16, 2005 04:57 PM

crazier than a run over dog

Posted by: GUYK on September 16, 2005 06:23 PM

Two more Foghorn Leghornisms:
Sharp as a bag o' wet leather
Sharp as a bowling ball

and granma used to say about one of my cousins:
He's so crooked, when he dies they'll have to screw him into the ground.

and don't forget...
nervous as a whore in church
older'n God's parents
colder than a welldigger's ass
madder than a wet hen
mean as a cornered dog (sometimes cat)
built like a brick shithouse
Purdy as 2 pups fightin in a blanket (usually reserved for a woman walking away)
hard as day old biscuits

but my all time fave...

Louder than a double clitted cow pissin' on a flat rock.

Posted by: knine on September 16, 2005 06:25 PM

Uglier'n a barrel of assholes.
Richer'n a foot up a bull.
Hotter than a two dollar whore.
Harder than a preacher's pecker.

Posted by: RubyTuesday on September 16, 2005 06:55 PM

"Dumber than a box of rocks."
"His elevator don't go all the way to the top."

And my favorite,

"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra."

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on September 16, 2005 07:46 PM

He is so sorry, he could not even work as a pie taster. He can't walk and chew gum at the same time. The sun does not shine up the same dogs ass evryday. She was so god dman ugly, her mama had to tie a pokchop bone around her neck, to get the dog to play with her. She was so ugly, she had to sneak up on a glass of water. He is as hot as priest in a boy scout meeting. He ia about as crazy as a shit house rat. My dick is so hard, a cat can't scatch it. Enjoy, Cat

Posted by: catfish on September 16, 2005 07:52 PM

"Uglier than home-made sin riding on a crippled spider"

"Uglier than a micro-waved booger"

Posted by: mostly cajun on September 16, 2005 08:05 PM

"A burger, fries and small drink short of a Happy Meal, and the cheap-ass toy is broke!"

Posted by: McGehee on September 16, 2005 08:25 PM

"Would fuck up a steel ball"

Posted by: ccracs on September 16, 2005 08:30 PM

"Purty as a red rose up a dog's ass"

Posted by: Indigo on September 16, 2005 09:18 PM

I heard a black guy call a white buddy of mine who wore dentures a 'bald-gum motherfucker', and I laughed the rest of the day, off and on.

I think I invented 'an ass like a sack full of walnuts', to describe cellulite. Substitute apples if she is really grotesque.

Hmmmm...'he'd fuck up a wet dream'...always a classic.

Posted by: Bane on September 16, 2005 09:31 PM

"Couldn't outsmart a hemlock stump."

"Wadded up tighter'n a boiled spider."

"Slick as deer guts on a knife handle."

Posted by: Gerry N on September 16, 2005 10:00 PM

Hell, I'm new to the South. Am I wrong or do a lot of things need "fixin'" down here. Everyone's fixin' to do this or fixin' to do that. Whassup wit' dat?

Posted by: DocJeff on September 16, 2005 10:47 PM

That car will "Shit and git it!"

You're car "Couldn't pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass"

Posted by: Andy on September 16, 2005 11:08 PM

Of a car, it runs "like a scalded dog" or "like a striped ass ape."

God all fish hooks (my mother's favorite)

Colder than a witch's tit in a tin bra

Fixin to get ready to commence to begin

Posted by: Joni on September 16, 2005 11:37 PM

She's got a face that would make a freight train take a dirt road.

She's flatter than piss on a board.
(Obviously a reference to breast size)

He's so stupid he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel.

Shit and fall back in it.

One I occasionally heard my dad say to my mom in a drunken stupor:
"If I tell you to shit, you'd better squat and ask what color!"

A Rodney Dangerfield favorite:
The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

What my grandmother (MawMaw) would say when she finaly got mad enough to cuss (spoken very fast):

A song my dad used to sing and play the gee-tar to. He only knew two songs. The first song was Marty Robbins' "El Paso," which he substituted Mexican "asshole" for Mexican girl. The other song was this one (untitled):

In this prison cell I sit,
with my shirt-tail dipped in shit,
and a picture of my rectum on the wall.

When the Warden he would pass,
He'd throw peanuts at my ass,
and the guards would play billiards with my balls.

Don't ask me what it meant. I don't know if he made it up or learned it from someone else, but what a thing to hear your dad sing at the age of 8 or 9. He was the penultimate redneck. There were no others even in his class. Period. West Virginia Mingo county white trash, and so damned proud of it that he could barely contain himself.

Posted by: Flamen Dialis on September 17, 2005 12:07 AM

"Sweating like a whore in church."

"Sweating like a gay man eating a corndog."

"Gay as a two dollar bill."

"Worthless as tits on a boar hog."

Posted by: Cliff on September 17, 2005 01:10 AM

One more:

"Slicker than greased owl shit."

Posted by: Cliff on September 17, 2005 01:18 AM

Another one:

"Rare as gold hen's teeth."

Posted by: Cliff on September 17, 2005 01:20 AM

How about "F*cked up like Hogan's Goat"? I've heard this since I was an apprentice boy and have always wondered, Who is Hogan and what happened to the goat?

Posted by: Jim on September 17, 2005 08:09 AM

" Looks like a horse's ass sewed up with a bicycle chain"

Posted by: glee on September 17, 2005 08:19 AM

So cold I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

Posted by: Arathorn on September 17, 2005 09:56 AM

My two favorites,
When looking at a girl with a nice butt that moved... nicely when she walked, "That looks like two bulldogs rassling under a rug"

And when you want to answer emphatically yes!, "Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?"
That one always cracks me up.

Posted by: Veeshir on September 17, 2005 10:34 AM

I can't believe no one said

"Fucked up as a can of worms."

"Dumb as a box of rocks."

"Educated beyond your intellect."

Posted by: Assrot on September 17, 2005 12:30 PM

How 'bout "Ugly as HOMEMADE SIN"

Posted by: James Hooker, Ace of aces on September 17, 2005 03:25 PM

To describe a woman's privates, Redd Fox said it "looked like a hair covered tomahawk wound."

Posted by: David Spence on September 17, 2005 04:50 PM

A favorite southernism of mine:

"I'd just as soon be shot for a goat as a lamb."

Posted by: Brett on September 17, 2005 05:55 PM

"That, and 50 cents... wil get you a cup of coffee."
I had a history professor who said this about 10 times a class session... man, was it painfull.


Posted by: andy on September 17, 2005 09:48 PM

"The best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass."

Posted by: Tim on September 18, 2005 01:54 AM

Hey! What about "Faster'n a turpentined cat"? Or sometimes, "Quicker than a turpentined cat."

"Deeper'n a well diggers ass"

"Meaner than a sunburned rattlesnake"

Posted by: Smitty on September 18, 2005 10:11 AM

"you can shit and fall back in it", "She got a ass looks like two hogs fightin over an acorn in a burlap sack", i dunno, these i call jeffisms, named after my drummer, who was always popping off with weird shit like it.

Posted by: pril on September 19, 2005 01:50 PM

"dumber than a barrel of hair"
"lower than a snake fart"
"colder than Christian charity" (my Yankee relatives use that one in wintertime)
"sorrier than a broke-dick dog"

I got this last one from Steve H's site, with regard to a difficult or delicate operation:

"like poking warm butter up a wildcat's ass"

Posted by: dipnut on September 19, 2005 02:07 PM

I've lived in the Ozarks all my life. I've used all of these at one time or another.

How 'bout:

"Fits like socks on a rooster."

"Drier than a popcorn fart".

"Beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

He's so horny he could honk."

He had to take anatomy and geography so he could learn the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground.

There's nothing more self-righteous than a reformed whore.

"I'se so mad I went straight up and turned left."

Posted by: Sharon on October 25, 2005 10:21 AM

Here are a few of my favorites:

That went over like a fart in church, OR

That went over like a turd in the puchbowl (when an idea or behavior is unpopular).

How we gonna' fuck this mule? (when something appears extremely difficult or impossible).

You can't wear out something that makes it's own grease (I'll let you figure this one out).

She's like fuckin' a mason jar.

He's sharp as a marble.

Rougher than a cob (think outhouse).

Nuttier than a fruitcake.

You'll find sympathy between shit and syphillis (said to someone who does something profoundly stupid; think dictionary)

Is a frog's ass watertight?

Definition of 'upper-crust': a bunch of crumbs held together by a lot of dough (from my uncle)

He could tear up an anvil (I think I made this one up after working with emotionally handicapped boys for 18 years).

Posted by: Reuben on May 31, 2007 09:48 AM

hey, a few here i havent heard. here are a few i have
dumber than a road lizard
slicker than owl snot on a scyamore limb
if your tired of living go ahead{dont do that}
as fine as snuff
pretty as a speckeled pup layin under a red wagon
fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch
i`ll kick a mudhole in your ass and stomp it dry
looks like he came in last in a hatchett fight{ugly}
runs like yankee infantry {fast}
so rusty you could throw a cat thru the floorboards
wasnt no bigger than a pound of soap{small}
as cool as a cucumber
hot as nine rats in a wool sock{a hot day}

Posted by: icdux1 on June 12, 2007 08:29 PM

quicker than a cat can lick his ass, tail up neck bent

crazy as hogans goat

happier than possum eatin dog shit

the best revenge when a man takes your wife is to let him keep her

Posted by: Kasper90900 on October 24, 2007 12:01 AM

Hornier than a near sighted owl in a hen house .

Hotter than a blind lesbian in a fish market.

Hornier than a 3 peckered billy goat on a sheep ranch.

Tighter that a preacher's prick in a cat's ass.

Happy as a blind queer in weenie factory.

Tighter than a bulls ass in fly time .

Uglier than a bucke full or assholes.

Pussy looks like a wagon track through a cow pie.

Posted by: two_bud_man on September 8, 2008 12:41 AM

Happier than a queer in a dick tree!!

Posted by: daniel on July 31, 2009 02:27 PM

Better late than never.

From a Columbus, Ohio, native:
"My dick's so hard I can't close my eyes!"

I heard the "...throws peanuts at my ass..." song as a rhyming story*, in the middle 1950s; don't remember from whom, but the last line was, "... and the RATS throw peanuts at my ass".

*Sort of like the Signifying Monkey: "his foot missed the branch and his ass hit the ground."

Classic stuff.


Posted by: fyougitive on October 8, 2009 12:00 AM

tighter than two dicks n a dogs ass

Posted by: brock m. on February 1, 2010 01:35 PM
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