Gut Rumbles

August 27, 2005

interesting topic

I once claimed that if I had to give up one of my senses, I would choose the sense of smell, because I believe that stinking things are worse than delightful aromas are good. I read this post and decided to turn it around.

Everybody knows what smells good. I'm going to give you ten things that smell BAD!!!

1) Dog shit on your shoe. Especially when you're wearing a pair of those waffle-soled Nikes where you have to scrape the shit off with a toothpick.

2) Rotting garbage. At one point in my colorful career, I burned trash to fire two 60 KPPH boilers and generate 3 megawatts of electricity. The "pit" held 5,000 tons of trash and it stunk to high heaven. It was like working on a maggot farm. I was always worried about finding a dead body in there.

3) A dead skunk. I've tried to clean up a dog that fucked with the wrong creature, and I couldn't find any way to do it. That stench just has to wear off. But if a skunk gets hit by a car, you can smell it for miles.

4) A dog fart. Holey-Moley!!! Old Bud used to let one rip and wag his tail to fan the fumes around. He could clear out the entire house with just one. If he got into rapid-fire mode, HIS ass spent the night outside. You could not survive any other way.

5) Dead fish. That's a rotten smell. I met a woman once who appeared to be carrying one around in her panties. At least it smelled that way. She wanted to give me some, but I passed on that opportunity.

6) A paper mill. I live around three of those plants and despite the pollution-control technology introduced lately, they still smell like egg-farts. Drive by one and you'll gag.

7) Burning sulfur. During my years at the Acid Plant, I became accustomed to that aroma, but I never learned to like it. Get a whiff and your nose burns before you actually realize how bad the smell is. Get a good whiff and you smell NOTHING for hours after that.

8) Body odor. That's one thing that chaps my ass about airplane travel. You can't SMOKE on board the plane, but nobody restricts some asshole who hasn't taken a bath in a month from sitting in the seat next to you, making you wish you were back working at the trash-burner. What's even worse is when the asshole douses himself with a half-bottle of English Leather in a futile attempt to make himself smell good. GAG!

9) Bus station bathrooms. I think I'd rather smell piss and shit than the "disinfectant" custodians use in those places. That crap will peel the hair right outta your nose and damn near take it off your head, too.

10) A wet dog. Smells like an old carpet wiped by many sweaty bare feet.

Have a good day. I hope all your smells are good ones.


Most wimmins perfume. There is some that I really like, but most makes me crave fresh air. And it seems the more stifling it is, the heavier they put it on. Some of those smells last for days. Hey ladies, just use deoderant and brush your teeth. All the rest of that layered "essence of asphyxiation" is a turn off.

Posted by: TomR on August 27, 2005 12:11 PM

I don't know....aren't smell and taste interrelated? If you can't smell, does it affect your ability to taste? Imagine not being able to taste chocolate....or a perfectly grilled medium rare steak....or a juicy strawberry.....

Having a son with a significant hearing loss, I'd say that would be the one to choose, although I can't imagine being completely deaf. My son's hearing loss is categorized as moderate to severe in the left ear, and severe to profound in the right. His loss is in the higher frequency range; however, he developed an exceptional ability to compensate. He participated in sports from the time he was 8 years old - baseball, soccer (for his high school team also) and karate; he was a member of the Select Singers group (he sings very well) and plays both guitar and piano. He has never let his disability get in the way of anything he wanted to do. He graduated from the University of California at Davis with a degree in Landscape Architecture and is working for a firm in San Diego. His speech is affected because of the hearing loss, but most people think he has a foreign accent.

I think I could handle a hearing loss much easier than a vision loss, that's for sure.

Posted by: Trish on August 27, 2005 12:22 PM

I would add (in regards to the dogshit) that worse than it being on your shoe (odor-wise) is when you run over it with the lawn tractor.....(something about cut grass and fresh dog shit that makes for a really putrid aroma) And I like the smell of cut grass, but throw in a steaming pile of dog shit and you have an odor that you wont soon forget....

And while I think of it, a babys diaper (after sleeping thru the night and having a BM sometime during those overnight hours) is something that I can honestly say will BURN YOUR EYES....

My son would wake up in the morning, with one of those bad boys loaded to the gills, hanging so low, he looked like a gunslinger in the Wild Wild West....

And the stench.....ooofah....(it was as if something had fermented, and not in a GOOD way)

The amusing part (if there was one) was that he (like all babies) was totally oblivious to the STINK he was laying on us all.....cuz he'd be standing up in his crib, smiling and laughing...not a care in the world.

But when I think of bad odors, cut grass with a dollop of dog shit, and them loaded, overnight diapers....

My niece (who was about 6 at the time) asked me one time if Billy (the gunslinger) was spoiled (referring, of course to our raising of the boy)...But me, being a wiseass, .I said, "No, he isnt spoiled, he smelled that way when he came home from the hospital too"...

Posted by: Ruth on August 27, 2005 12:30 PM

Tomato juice works good for gettin skunk stink off of a dog. Just rub it in like a veggie shampoo. They don't get it, and try to lick it off. Let it sit for a while, then the juice is followed by a good hosing down.

Posted by: Shep on August 27, 2005 01:02 PM

As the owner of the World's Stupidest Dog, I can say first hand that when he gets sprayed by a skunk, there is nothing worse. It gets in your nose and your eyes water. He thinks they are cats and chases them until they bomb him. We tried everything and our vet told us to get a vinegar douche. Yes, a douche. The kind ladies use. It worked. It's the vinegar. But they are expensive for washing the dog so we first wash him with Dawn dish detergent (gets the greasy stuff off, skunk spray is greasy) and then rinse with vinegar. Works every time. No smell, until he goes after another skunk. He's an American Eskimo dog and he has a lot of fur to wash but that combo of the Dawn and vinegar can't be beat!

Posted by: Joan on August 27, 2005 01:56 PM

I've been praying for a hearing loss for the past 28 years, what with 5 kids, but what I didn't bargan for was the reduction in vocabulary that goes with it.


Posted by: Bonita on August 27, 2005 02:22 PM

At the risk of pissin' off women, I'm gonna tell you what a friend of mine, who judges huntin' dogs told me one time about the time he got "skunked". He said he tried everything, tomato juice included, and still smelled like skunk. Finally, get this, a woman, told him what would cure that smell. It was FDS. Now, maybe, Rob, if you go back to that woman with a fish in her britches wantin' to let you and Roscoe "have at it", you might be able to kill two birds with one shot here. Non stinkin' dog, non stinkin' crotch. How do the Italians say... Fuckin' Hey! One of them skunks got into my buddies garage and his dog got after it. Long and short, skunk died, dog and garage stunk, FDS saved the day after baths of all kinds of other stuff.

I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: RedNeck on August 27, 2005 02:40 PM

You haven't smelled bad until been you've forced to spend an hour on a dairy farm that uses green feed for its cows. Instant gag reflex.

Regular cow manure, doesn't smell that great but you get used to it. Green feed cows make a stench that is so evil I can't even describe it. I never the saw the manure piles but I had a vision of holding ponds full of green festering ooze somewhere.

Posted by: Libby on August 27, 2005 03:05 PM

My step-father used to backhand me with his hand laden in ball sweat.

The stench and taste would linger for days.

Posted by: Zappatista on August 27, 2005 03:21 PM

Paper mills are the worst, dead fish are pretty bad, but a rendering plant, with all those dead animals laying around is about as bad as you can get.

Posted by: hoosierboy on August 27, 2005 03:36 PM

The smell of righteousness emitted by social reformers empties my gut.

Posted by: Brett on August 27, 2005 03:59 PM

God Zap...that's disgusting! LOL
And I agree about the paper mills....Ugh!
But the WORST thing I have ever smelled was a dead, rotting mouse. I caught one on a glue board in my laundry room while I was on vacation. It was August in as hell...and I'd turned the AC up to about 85 since no one was home. That was NOT a pleasant thing to come home to. Makes me gag just thinking about it!

Posted by: Lanie on August 27, 2005 05:13 PM

The worst I have been around is the sugar cane processing mills in the Philipine Islands. The crushed cane was piled up after it was processed and allowed to just rot away. And it was a rotten smell that took my breath away.

Fresh pig shit will also mess up a pair of boots for a few days.

Posted by: GUYK on August 27, 2005 07:00 PM

The absolute worst smell I ever encountered was a Crabber with a sump full of about 50# of rotting King Crab. Three of us were sent to put safety rails around the open tanks. When the crane operator lifted the first hatch cover, we started puking, all three of us landed in the Emergency Room with stomach cramps, serious vertigo and horrible headaches. We had all vomited so violently that we had bruised abdominal muscles. We were all out on injury for several days. I still can't eat crab in the shell.

When the Captain of that boat found out, he was livid. The Engineer was to have filled the tank half full of seawater while they were in Puget Sound before they came through the locks into the shipyard, then pumped it out. That would have gotten rid of it all. He canned that stupid sumbitch next time he showed his idiot face.

Posted by: Gerry N. on August 27, 2005 07:38 PM

Fucking pig farms in the Midwest.

Thousands upon thousans of pigs all congested in one large pen that they all eat, shit and sleep in.

In the dead summer heat. Probably the most vile smell I've ever encountered, bar none.

The stench of that pig shit brought bile to your throat at first breath.

Posted by: gordon the magnificent on August 27, 2005 08:38 PM

Gordon, I agree with you 100%.

Posted by: Trish on August 27, 2005 08:40 PM

Westwood Homeless Guy Body Odor-lovingly nicknamed "Stinky," this motherfucker looked like a grown-up Pigpen and walked by me near the Thrifty Rx near UCLA -- the smell was in my nose for 2 days, and I can still recall it. Also, I once left a coffee cup full of spit and Kodiak behind a TV and it eventually rendered the room uninhabitable until found. Sadly, the funk of a discovered dead-too-young relative never goes away either.

Posted by: Chris on August 27, 2005 09:12 PM

Back in the Dark Ages, when I was a Boy Scout, our troop went to visit the Mississippi St. Prison at Parchman. The gas chamber, unused for 3 years at the time, still stank badly. But worse than that was the tomato processing sheds. I have not enjoyed a tomato for the 38 years or so since then!

Posted by: Stu on August 27, 2005 10:51 PM

One of the All-Time Worst King-Hell Stenches has gotta be cat shit. Bad as dog shit can be, cat shit is far worse.

That all-meat diet doesn't help either cats or dogs.

Posted by: Elisson on August 27, 2005 11:04 PM

Don't mind baby shit at all. Eating and shitting is what a good baby does and that's OK with me. I don't like that amonia smell, but that's the fault of the adult for not changing the diaper fast enough.
Drove past a barn where they were filling it with freshly cut peppermint once and it almost knocked me out. Too much of a good thing I guess.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on August 28, 2005 10:11 AM

The worst stench that I ever came across was a chicken farm. We would go past at about 50 and couldn't get past the stink. You would smell it for the next 10 miles.

Posted by: Sarge on August 28, 2005 11:32 AM

While back heard a formula that's supposed to be very good for getting skunk scent off. Believe it was hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and a little dish soap

Posted by: Mark on August 28, 2005 12:18 PM

Well, I gottta go with dogshit. Worst thing that can happen with that stuff is when you step in it on your way to work, you sit at your desk a few minutes, then somebody comes in and says "Who tracked the dogshit up the stairs?" You didn't notice anything before then, but now you can tell it's you!

Posted by: Steve Lassey on August 28, 2005 04:01 PM

I know what you mean when you talk about the rotten fish, man that stuff is bad. Plus, when a much-hated housemate leaves said fish in the refrigerator, it's so bad that it actually spoils the butter, eggs, milk, and anything else lying around as well. That's odour power for you.

Posted by: Roy on August 28, 2005 04:55 PM

Dog shit may not be ther worst but I leaned an important lesson while weedeating the other day. Make sure you don't tap the weed eater to get more line in it. It goes everyshere. You see, we have had a lot of rain lately and it was real soft. Probably everyone in my neighborhood who was outside smelled it. Maybe some inside too.

Posted by: Titan Mk 6B on August 29, 2005 08:54 AM

Sorry but I have to play the trump card on this one.

Rotting human is the worst smell in the world hands down. It will linger on your clothes and in your mouth and nostrils for hours even after the most remote encounter. If you have ever been unfortunate enough to have that smell grace your olfactory senses then you know what I mean.

Posted by: gravdigr on August 29, 2005 02:33 PM

I severely violated #8 back in 1993. The night before returning from San Francisco, I had dinner at a wonderful restaurant named "The Stinking Rose." (Motto: We season our garlic with food.) I'm afraid I overdid it.

The next day, I cleared out half of a KFC when I stopped for lunch on the way to the airport, and was the only person in my entire row by the time the plane took off.

When I got back to work, the office manager wanted me sent home, my boss compromised by putting an exhaust fan outside my office door, and one of my coworkers followed me around for almost a week.

Posted by: wheels on August 29, 2005 03:31 PM

Around here they call the paper mill smell "the smell of money"... at least if you're a paper mill worker or a millwright (and probably if you're a steamfitter or boilermaker, too).

Ahhh, sulfur dioxide.

Posted by: Sigivald on August 29, 2005 03:37 PM

Reading the comments on your bad smells post leaves me reeling in astonishment, and gasping for breath from laughing, at the rag-tag, hilarious collection of humanity that is your blog readership. This bunch would be a hoot for story telling around a campfire. I think I love you all.

Posted by: Suz on August 30, 2005 05:48 AM

My freezer in the basement got its plug pulled out when it was full of fish. The smell was so bad it killed the flies that it attracted when they came too close.

That smell was literally lethal.

Posted by: AST on October 18, 2005 02:15 AM
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