Gut Rumbles

June 24, 2005

more science

I've known a lot of guys that I call "Primpadonnas." Those self-absorbed bastards believe that they are BEAUTIFUL, and they'll spend an hour in front of a mirror, blow-drying their hair just right, applying mousse, tweezing nostril hairs, annointing themselves with manly-smelling potions and practicing their "sexy" look on themselves.

I believe that they are ridiculous. "Metrosexual." But even so, not one of them has ever asked me if what they were wearing made his "ass look fat." Once a guy has convinced himself that he is beautiful, nobody's going to change his mind, even a woman who calls him a hideous, disgusting worm when he asks her to dance.

Wimmen, on the other hand, suffer from constant insecurity about their physical appearance. They ALWAYS worry about the way they look and they NEVER appear to be happy with the body they wear. They usually find a lot more fault with themselves than other people do.

I think I know why. Western society has long embraced a concept of ideal feminine beauty that almost NO woman can measure up to; therefore, wimmen are never happy with the way they look.

Men, on the other hand, don't have the same ideal to compete with. ANY man can be attractive to wimmen unless he really IS a hideous, disgusting worm. We don't have a standard for a "handsome" man the way we do for a "beautiful" woman. The world is an easier place for guys.

Be he tall or short, handsome or plain, chubby or slim, a guy can make up for his physical shortcomings with charm, charisma, success, self-confidence, chivalry, humor and... money. I believe that those attributes attract wimmen more than simple Fabio good-looks do, although being handsome, too, is NOT a handicap.

Wimmen have it a little tougher. They have PHYSICAL PERFECTION to compete with. And nobody is perfect. They're doomed from day one if they seek to meet that ideal.

Men don't help the situation a lot, either. Some guys believe that a really good compliment to give a woman is something like this:

* Damn! You got the prettiest set of tits I ever saw!

* Honey, would you just get up and walk around a little? That fine ass of yourn's got more workins than a Swiss watch!"

* Darlin,' every time I look at your sweet lips, I think about a blow job. Wanna go back to MY place tonight?"

Yes, men are pigs, but you wimmen bring a lot of that shit on yourselves. Because sometimes THOSE LINES WORK!!! Wimmen are THAT desperate to hear a compliment from a man.

I prefer to be more subtle.

* You have wonderful eyes.

* When you smile, you make me want to smile, too. You light up the room.

* That is a beautiful necklace you're wearing. It looks really good on you.

* You have pretty hands. Are you an artist?

But it really doesn't matter which path you choose--- vulgarity or charm all boil down to the same thing in the end. The time will come when she asks you: "Does this dress make my ass look fat?"

It doesn't matter what you say, because she's not going to believe you, even when you're actually straying from the normal male path and being sincere. SHE'S convinced that the dress makes her ass look fat or she wouldn't ask the question to begin with. You can't win in that situation.

I blame Western Civilization for this cosmic disconnect.


oh but Rob, it DOES matter what you say (to that question "Does this dress make my ass look fat?")

For example, a WRONG answer would be....hmmmm, okay, heres an example of a WRONG answer: "Honey, that is one of the largest arses I've seen this side of the Atlantic....however, you'd be really popular in Samoa or Tonga or wherever the fuck it is they like those really big women. Tahiti? Is that it?"

Posted by: Ruth on June 24, 2005 05:25 PM

'it DOES matter what you say (to that question "Does this dress make my ass look fat?"'

I always answer that question by saying "Fat? It looks like a couple of badly parked Volkswagens."

To give credit where due, that line was used on a TV show called Red Dwarf.

Posted by: Tom on June 24, 2005 05:31 PM

You can't win, but you can minimize the damage. How 'bout

"Yes, Take it off! Nothing can be as purty as you nekid."

Posted by: Larry Kephart on June 24, 2005 05:57 PM

"It's not the dress, darling. Eating cheeseburgers and skipping the gym for six months makes your ass look fat, dear."

Posted by: rightisright on June 24, 2005 07:02 PM

Walking up hill behind a fat woman , my Dad remarked to me: "Looks like two wildcats fightin' in a burlap bag!"

Posted by: Bonita on June 24, 2005 07:10 PM

It's not that men don't have an ideal to compete with, its that woman know how to find beauty that isn't skin deep.

Posted by: livey on June 24, 2005 07:37 PM

Best answer is to make 'em keep showing you. From multiple angles. Further away. Closer.

Have her wiggle it some. Yeah. Move it.

Next thing ya know, you've got a lap dance without the $20 outlay. *m'heh*

But I did see a broad at the grocery store today, sorta looked like.........


(if her pager goes off, people in line at the winn-dixie think she's backin' up)

( / troll )

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on June 24, 2005 07:39 PM

That is a no win is the one "will you still love me after we are married for 20/30/40 years?" Like we are going to either a: admit to her face we are assholes (for those of that ilk) "Why don't you worry about that the time you reach 40, I'll be with two 20's" OR b. (for us non-asshole types) Why would I have stayed with you for this many years, if I didn't love you....when I look at you now....I still see the same sweet woman I married x number of years ago." That usually works when that comes up from time to time.

Posted by: Guy S on June 24, 2005 09:58 PM

Oh what a load of BS Acidman.

There's very little a guy can do to get the average woman's motor running. And if there was, you know every guy would be out there doing it. If today they discovered that big purple hats turn women on, by the end of the week every available man in the world would be wearing one.

So men in general don't pimp themselves up because they only get one benefit out of it, they look nice.

As to why women screw with their own heads, geez, that topic is just too long for a comment box.

Posted by: ErikZ on June 25, 2005 03:52 AM

Sorry Aman, you're wrong there! Not ALL women are like that! There are plenty out there that are happy with the way they look and are secure enough with their personas and achievements not to have to rely on compliments to make them happy, and I'm one of them!

Mind, you , the fact that I have an IQ of 150, a great rack and an ass that won't quit probably helps.

Posted by: MMCFTBSOH on June 25, 2005 04:29 AM

Mind, you , the fact that I have an IQ of 150, a great rack and an ass that won't quit probably helps.

Which, in your case Misty, proves that IQ is no replacement for good, old fashioned common sense.

The only weight problem I've ever had was being too thin, but sometimes you end up with the same bad body image simply because people just won't STFU about how thin you are. Thankfully my self-esteem isn't even remotely attached to my physical characteristics.

Subtle pick up lines are best IMHO, but if you really want to get me interested, the ability to make me laugh will win every single time. Those that know me well know that I have a secret desire to get it on with Drew Carey LOL.

Posted by: Chablis on June 25, 2005 08:37 AM

It's wimmen who give other wimmen the insecurity. They wind each other up by constantly talking each other down or talking other wimmen down behind their backs.

My sis-in-law and her friend ran into another woman they knew from school. The long lost school mate looked GREAT. They were beside themselves with envy. They discussed her when they got home and after searching for something to criticize they finally found it: They decided that she had "fat ankles".

Nobody's perfect and it takes woman or two to prove it.

Posted by: StinKerr on June 25, 2005 09:37 AM

I never ask that question. I know when my ass looks fat. I know what clothes make my ass look fat. How do I know? I go to Wal-Mart and let the latino women look me over..if I get that 'eye flicker' that means.."Honey, if you're wearing that, kiss your man goodbye."..then I know I need to dress a little different.

Some of those lines are very much compliments after 10 years of marriage, however. Nice to know that after having 3 kids, the sight of my lips can still excite that response. But on a first date...been there too..and it wasn't a compliment..or a date any longer.

Posted by: Kelly on June 25, 2005 12:37 PM

One of the benefits of marriage is punishing honesty is more difficult than in single life:

"Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

"No dear, it's your big ass that does that."

Posted by: Brett on June 25, 2005 12:58 PM

I prefer to use this line.......

Sweetheart, don't ever log onto if you want to keep your sanity..........(especially if you are British and have an IQ of 150). By the way, you have a great rack babydoll, but that beautiful dress you have on seems to makes your arse look fat.


Posted by: PJ on June 26, 2005 04:40 AM

Hmm, a compliment? Why thank you. A critisism that someone thinks my dress makes my arse look fat? So what? I like the dress and I'll wear what I like :) If anyone out there is suffering poor self-esteem, I recommend
they read Cynthia Heimel's Sex Tips For Girls.
If anybody has self-doubt inflicted on them by others who have critisized them unjustly, please read 'If' by Rudyard Kipling. (precis)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you; Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.

Posted by: MMCFTBSOH on June 26, 2005 06:01 AM

interesting how you blame western civilization for women's insecurity...but i can recall a number of posts on this very blog ridiculing women for being fat...many complete with pictorial evidence.

Posted by: not-troll beth on June 26, 2005 11:40 AM

Fat women (and men) should be ridiculed. The holier-than-thou fatties have been harping for years about cigarettess, the whipping boy of the 90's & 00's. Yet diseases caused by Orca-ness costs more tax dollars than old geezers with ashy lungs. You fatties want respect, then stop spending your paychecks on Oreos and Crisco.

Posted by: Ruth on June 26, 2005 08:26 PM

How did you know that I was spending my paycheck on Oreo's and Crisco Ruth? You been stalking me again? I suggest you taste this little combo before you judge me babydoll. Then come and hop on daddy's lap and have another bite of the sweet stuff.


Posted by: PJ on June 27, 2005 02:45 AM


The dress is never that important anyway, because I would have you out of it in NO TIME...LOL. Besides, I always prefer to judge how nice a dress looks as it lays crumpled in a pile on the floor in the corner of the room next to my underwear.


Posted by: PJ on June 27, 2005 03:18 AM

Rob, you just need to avoid the Neurotypical wimmin. Now, I'll admit, that yer tossing out 95-98% of all wimmin to start with, but if you do get a relationship with an aspie chick, and she asks you if her butt looks fat, she expects an honest answer. And, she doesn't spend megabucks on makeup. And, she prolly has a degree in electrical engineering, and owns a trampoline.

And. (unfortunately) she has probably either been snapped up years ago by a cool guy who appreciated her, or has been taken advantage of and maybe raped at knifepoint so many times that she gets all twitchy when any male person gets near her.

Aspie wimmin are very honest, intelligent, and straightforward. They are also very rare. What's funny is, that I, no prize myself, managed to keep company with several wimmin who, well, rocked.(and flapped, and spun.) They told me, eventually, to go away. Being rational, they understood that I did not have the resources to do the boy-and-girl thing with them in proper style. Being rational, their idea of proper style was quite modest compared to that of yer average "princess."

If you can find an unattached one who likes you, that's the best kind of woman. Just don't get annoyed if she'd rather read a book, or play computer games, than fuck.

Posted by: Justthisguy on June 27, 2005 07:50 AM
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