Gut Rumbles

June 12, 2005

i told you so!

Cats are evil creatures and you should NEVER trust one of them.

Two kittens picked the wrong place to relieve themselves when they urinated on a fax machine, sparking a fire that extensively damaged their Japanese owner's house.

When I first moved out on my own, I had a room-mate who brought his cat along with him. The cat was "Ronald," a big-headed orange tom who didn't like me from day one. The cat knew that I didn't like him either, so he started to sleep in my bed, just to piss me off.

I caught him in there one day, grabbed him by the tail and threw him down the hallway. "GET OUT AND STAY OUT!" I yelled at the cat. That was a mistake. Ronald didn't sleep in my bed anymore, but he would slink in there and SHIT ON IT every chance he got. Plus, if I came home and left the windows rolled down on my car, Ronald would hop in and shit on the driver's seat and then piss all over everything. I don't care if you love cats or not--- cat-piss STINKS!

I told my room-mate that if he couldn't control that cat, he was going to be minus one cat very shortly. I got the response most anti-cat people get from cat-lovers--- "Hey! He's just being a cat."

Fine. Let him "be a cat" by shitting in YOUR bed and in YOUR car. Let him piss all over YOUR bedroom instead of mine. I've got no problem with that. But I DO have a problem with that fucker thinking everything I own is a bathroom stall. Either YOU fix that problem or I will.

I didn't have to kill the cat. Some neighborhood dogs did that job for me. They caught Ronald out at night and ripped him to shreds. I found Ronald in the driveway one morning when I was on my way to work. I used a shovel to scrape him into a garbage bag and I left the bag in my room-mate's bedroom.

I left a note on the bag: "I didn't do it, but I wanted to. Now, go bury your fucking cat."

He did, but I believe that he STILL is convinced that I killed that cat.


Did the neighbourhood dogs remove the .00 pellets from the carcase before shovelling it into the bag?

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on June 12, 2005 11:51 AM

Not that you need more of a reason to hate cats, but I found this article amusing:

Cats Alter Your Personality

Posted by: Chablis on June 12, 2005 11:53 AM

I like cats, but can't stand it when they do crap like your roommate's cat did to you.
We have a bird feeder in our yard and our neighbor's cat is always stalking it. Since our old dog is deaf now, we've trained the semi old dog the command of "get the cat". They go tearing after it, never catch it, just scare it out of the yard. This is the same neighbor that lost 8 cats in 6 mths because she lets them out and the coyotes eat them.

Posted by: Maeve on June 12, 2005 12:01 PM

My kids hate smoke, so at my ex's house, I installed a red, sand filled bucket on the porch so I could relax and turn my lungs black. The next morning it was piled with cat shit and piss. Fuck 'em, and they can just forget about me feeding them a perfectly good fish head.

Dogs Rule!

Posted by: James Hooker on June 12, 2005 12:15 PM

I like cats, that doesn't change the facts that a: some of them are shits, and b: they have to find out there ARE limits.

Any cat that crapped/peed on my stuff would find out its' limits damn fast.

Posted by: Mark on June 12, 2005 12:26 PM

any pussy that shits in your bed AND your car meeds to be thrown to the dogs.

did you buy those dogs a steak?

Posted by: mlah on June 12, 2005 02:20 PM

I just think you have a really black heart. Don't worry. You reap what you sow. (We can only hope.)

Posted by: Joni on June 12, 2005 02:31 PM

I do feel for the homeowner but afterall, he's not the first to lose a house because of a little pussy.

Posted by: GUYK on June 12, 2005 02:38 PM

I had a cat do the same damned thing, A-man!!

the 2nd time, i caught that sumbitch in the act, grabbed him by the tail and threw his ass in the shower, turn full power on cold and left the fucker there for about 45 min, and listened to him howl. i opened the shower door after that time had passed, and i'm pretty sure i saw that ball of fur create a sonic boom, exiting via the nearest window.

he tried the same shit another time months later, and i walked in on him. the cat ran hauling ass on to my balcony (3rd story), and took the plunge. that ended the "shit on my bed trend"

Posted by: Heath on June 12, 2005 04:38 PM

You do have to let the kitty know that the human is in charge, when push comes to shove. I greatly love cats, but I had to give one of mine a flying lesson (from a second-story window) once when he deliberately made sure I was looking, then jumped onto the (turning) disk on the record-player. He was a very nice kitty afterwards. Of course he was *my* kitty. Cats are free citizens, and resent being bullied by strangers. Dogs are slaves by nature, and will suck up to anyone who is mean to them.

Posted by: Justthisguy on June 12, 2005 08:39 PM

Acid Man- I had a few readers who may have been upset that I used the word "pissing" in a post I put up this weekend... So, I decided to send them here for therapy.

Very Funny Stuff!

Posted by: Jim Hoft on June 12, 2005 09:19 PM

That behavior is characteristic of cats, but not unique to them.

When I was first living with the woman who married me *mumble* years ago, she did "moveout" housecleaning for apartment owners, and one day I helped her clean up an apartment that had been inhabited by a pair of (male) roommates, sailors at the nearby Navy base.

We found a series of notes:

"[xxx], your dog messed the rug in the living room. clean it up, please."

"your dog shit on the rug again. Get it clean this time."

"this time the damn dog shit and pissed both. I'm sick of this."

"Goddammit, the fucking dog shit the rug again. Either teach it not to shit in the house or get rid of it."

"If I have to clean up after your fucking dog again I'll kill it."

and the last note, scrawled on a piece torn from a grocery bag:

"I shot your dog."


Posted by: Ric Locke on June 14, 2005 11:51 PM
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