Gut Rumbles

June 08, 2005

the "nit search"

My bags from my last trip to Costa Rica still have the US Customs "Nit Search" sticker on them. In fact, I think I have stickers on top of stickers because I get it every time.

A "Nit Search" is where they go through everything you've got with a fine-toothed comb, make you empty your pockets and pretty much subject you to everything but an anal probe. Why do I always get hauled out of line for that crap?

I learned the answer at Dulles Airport the last time I was there. That bullshit Domestic Violence Order my bloodless cunt ex-wife took out on me pops up a red flag when Customs runs my passport number on the computer. I may not look or act like a terrorist, but they're going to give me the really special treatment they reserve for menaces to society when they see that red flag.

I asked the guy at Dulles--- "Why do you people always do this crap to me? You've gotta know by now (after my FOURTH TIME experiencing the indignity) that you NEVER find me doing anything illegal. Do you just enjoy handling dirty underwear and wet bathing suits?"

He asked, "Mr. Smith, are you divorced?" When I replied that yes, I was, he said, "Your ex-wife doesn't like you very much, does she?" He showed me his computer screen. I am marked as a dangerous man. "I feel your pain," he said. "I've got one just like her." HE let me go after a cursory search, but I was stopped AGAIN and put through the same thing before I was allowed to board the plane back to Savannah.

What do you suppose would happen to me if I tried to go through customs with brass knuckles, a knife and a blood-stained chainsaw?


They would give you the roto-rooter. Which would make your surgery pale in comparison.

Posted by: gravdigr on June 8, 2005 04:22 PM

They would give you an anal probe with said chain saw and mail a pic to your ex!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Ed on June 8, 2005 04:31 PM

I would clean the moose blood off the chain saw first.

Posted by: GUYK on June 8, 2005 04:35 PM

I dont get it. A vicious ex wife takes out a restraining order on you, and that somehow suggests that you're a risk to RUSH the COCKPIT of an airliner? LOL (well maybe if she was flying the fucking thing you might, eh?)

Posted by: Ruth on June 8, 2005 04:37 PM

The guy at Dulles would say, "Did you get her? And do you mind going back for mine?"

Posted by: Dz on June 8, 2005 05:44 PM

When they're searching for nits, sometimes thay overlook the bloody chainsaw.

Posted by: Rivrdog on June 8, 2005 11:52 PM

Why, they'd let you through of course. The other shoe would have dropped.

Posted by: Cythen on June 9, 2005 12:25 AM

I remember once going through security, they took my son's pooh bear and x rayed it, gave it a thoural exam. Did they bat an eye at the 3 flasks I had in my purse? Nope.

Posted by: Maeve on June 9, 2005 02:04 AM

It would just make the BC happy.

Posted by: StinKerr on June 9, 2005 03:12 AM

You "look" criminal to me! What do you want our border guards to guard our borders?

No, I know, you want some racial profiling!

Stop Muslim at border with bloody chain saw....yeeks, how un-p.c. of you, Acid.

Posted by: Maggie on June 9, 2005 07:27 AM

Truly, hell hath no fury.

Posted by: rosignol on June 9, 2005 08:06 AM

If you looked like Charles Manson's son, they'd probably let you pass without question. You got to get that special haircut though.

Posted by: assrot on June 9, 2005 08:20 AM

Whadamean Assrot? He does look like Charles Manson and Bin Laudin too:>)

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on June 9, 2005 09:16 AM

They let you fly, no questions asked.

( I have seen that story you are refering to. Pretty stupid security, if you ask me.)

Posted by: RickR on June 9, 2005 09:19 AM

Just had to add that if I got to pick an actor to play Rob's life it would be Charlton Heston.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on June 9, 2005 09:26 AM

Naw, it's caused by that side profile picture like on his avatar picture up on the left side of his web page.
Look at it and you'll see. Olny thing that is missing is the numbers and pd dept under his picture, and that was :photo-shopped" out!!

Also, I bet Rob has smoke coming out of his ears when he stands in any slow line!!


Posted by: mrchuck on June 9, 2005 11:58 AM

So, is there any way to get OFF that list? Or if not, any way to add her to it? She's much more a threat to you than you are to her.

Posted by: Robert on June 9, 2005 11:59 AM

You might consider reversing the flow of this paper avalanche by having a lawyer drop a few attention getters on her doorstep. Complaints carry the day when all they have confronting them is logic or character.
Best of luck,

Posted by: Oran Woody on June 10, 2005 02:29 PM
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