Gut Rumbles

May 02, 2005

The borg collective

I don't like cell phones. I don't own one and I don't intend to get one, either. But I am thoroughly convinced that some people don't need to eat anymore. They absorb all their vital nutrients via a cell phone pressed to their heads.

For some mysterious reason, people with cell phones suffer uncontrollable urges to CALL people all the time, even when they have nothing to say. It's as if they believe that the thing might go bad if they don't use it constantly.

How did we ever manage to DRIVE before the invention of cell phones? I'll wager that 1/4 of the cars I see on the road today is piloted by someone with a cell phone stuck to his or her ear. Either these people are extremely important, with MUCH important communication to impart, or else they're just in need of nutrients and they have learned to absorb it through their ears.

Plus, I HATE the stupid ringy-dingy things people program into their phones. A simple ring like a real phone or maybe a vibration on my belt would be plenty for me. But that ain't true for others.

How many times have you seen some idiot scrambling frantically to find the cell phone while "Jingle Bells," "London Bridge Is Falling Down" or some cheesy Barry Manilow song blared happily away in some solemn place such as... well, a funeral, for instance.

That sound makes my skin crawl.

I find some encouragement in this story. My only problem is, I want to see a cell phone explode while some babbling, yak-a-holic has it pressed to his ear. I want to see hair, skull fragments, blood and brain matter scattered all over the place when the phone drops from a dead hand on a headless body.

If that scene hit the news a few times, maybe some people wouldn't feel the urgent need to talk on the phone all the time. Maybe the Borg Collective would stop multiplying. Maybe people would start making phone calls ONLY when they had something important to say. Maybe people could learn to hang up and drive.

Fat chance. I believe that cell phones DO cause brain tumors. They damn sure make people crazy to talk on the phone.


>I want to see hair, skull fragments, blood and brain matter scattered all over the place when the phone drops from a dead hand on a headless body.
= One of the Israeli intelligence agencies [can't remember if it was Shin Bet or Mossad] rigged a cell phone to explode, had it delivered to a bomb-making nemesis, then blew it when they verified it was he who answered. I believe photographs of the aftermath exist, but arenít widely published.

Posted by: DJSloan/Houston on May 2, 2005 03:44 PM

Where I live our highway is only 2 lanes and the speed limit is 55 mph.

Nothing irritates me more than some idiot in the inside lane talking on the cellphone and not going at least the speed limit because they are too busy talking. And nine times out of ten you can't pass them on the outside lane because they are driving exactly parrallel to some other idiot. And they drive some piece of shit car that doesn't have working signals, brake or tail lights, but by God they have money for a cell phone.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on May 2, 2005 04:17 PM

Once again, it's like drugs and alcohol, some people can't go over twelve consecutive hours without using it, I bet.

I believe that by the year 2030, there will be support groups for people with Cell Phone Addictions. It's the next logical step, people.

Posted by: JG22 on May 2, 2005 05:00 PM

I have seen cars here, and it seems like 40% are on cell phones. Maybe because I dont liek the idiot going 1/2 the speed limit, with 9 car -lengths ahead (in town no less) and oblivious to the rest of traffic.

They say humans are the "compulsive communicators", and this seems to be true. But why can we talk to someone in the passenger seat with more awareness to the road than on a cell phone?

maybe because the passenger has a vested interest in your safe driving too ;)

Posted by: Centauri on May 2, 2005 06:25 PM

I've got one but I use it mainly for emergencies (I have a pre-pay phone so I don't burn minutes for the fuck of it).. Most of the time It's shut off.

Oh yeah, I think I'm one of the last human beings on Earth whose fucking cell phone actually sounds like a damn phone.

Posted by: Graumagus on May 2, 2005 07:38 PM

I somewhat like my ring. Very loud: All Aboooaard!! HAHAHAHAHA.

Extremely loud, it usually makes the person standing next to me jump. It is the only saving grace for the fact that I have to have the fucking thing. Unfortunately work requires me to have it (24 hour operation, so I have to be available 24 hours, six days a week). I did get rid of damn bellsouth though. Figured that if I had to have the cell, might as well get rid of the land line.

Posted by: rmiles on May 2, 2005 08:26 PM

Every time I see some dummy walking along and talking to him or her self of the thin air I wonder what those people did bc(before cellphones).
And ANYONE caught driving with one of those damn things stuck in their ear should have their driving privledges revoked on the spot and be forced to walk to where ever they were going.

Posted by: emdfl on May 3, 2005 07:05 AM

I call bullshit. I don't know what that little twerp was doing, or how he got those burns on his legs, or what it was that destroyed his phone, but I really need some convincing before I'll buy the story that his phone just "blew up."

His momma might believe that shit, but I don't.

Posted by: Gramps on May 3, 2005 10:42 AM

Gramps, it may have had a made-in-China knockoff of a factory battery (notoriously bad, and often dangerous), or the bleed holes in a factory battery somehow became clogged and pressures built up. Such an occurrence is not junheard-of.

Posted by: the friendly grizzly on May 8, 2005 02:44 PM
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