Gut Rumbles

April 27, 2005

this 'n that

You know what keeps me reading a blog? It's not the subject matter. It's the way the writer approaches it.

A lot of blogs are personal journals and about 99% of them are pure bullshit. But some can remain personal and still be entertaining. Take "We Got a New Puppy," for example.

Shitty blog:

We got a new puppy today. We named him "Jake" and he is sooooo cute!!! Little Katie and Jason love him to death and it's soooo cute when they play together. Jake poops on the floor, but puppies do that. We laugh and laugh when that happens. Katie has Girl Scout meetings this week and Jason is playing soccer, so I will be a busy mom for the next few days. Katie looks soooo cute in her uniform and Jason is just soooo cute when he falls down on the soccer field. I think I look pretty cute myself when I ferry those kids around. *sigh* But that's what a mama does.

This is MY TAKE on the same subject.

I got a dog today. He's a good pup and I think he has the potential to be a good dog. But I'm going to housebreak that sumbitch if it kills me. I beat his ass every time he shits on my carpet and I throw him outside to do penance, after I rub his nose in his own shit. He'll learn, or I'll kill him.

He's a good dog--- he just doesn't know any better right now. I bought some doggy treats to reward him with when he does right, and I have a fly-swatter to spank his ass when he does wrong. He'll figure it all out soon enough.

I'm playing the Alpha Male here, and that's my job in raising a pup. He's a good-looking dog. He just doesn't understand the rules yet. I'm going to teach him. Give me three months. He will be housebroken and he will come when I call. He may be "cute" right now, but he's going to be a dog when he grows up. I need to teach him right from wrong NOW, while I have the chance. If you want "cute," go buy a bunny rabbit. If you want a DOG, then teach him to be one.

I could blog for a month and make it entertaining about raising my dog. I'd probably piss PETA off with the way I did it, but my technique has always worked in the past.

I am not a soccer-mom. I am a hard-ass.


Could you train a soccer mom like that?

Posted by: Twenty Major on April 27, 2005 06:39 PM

That depends on what you want that soccer mom to do. I like it when they bark like dogs.....and AFTER they pull their teeth.

Posted by: booger on April 27, 2005 06:47 PM

Strike that last comment. I don't like soccer moms. I'm sorry that I misled you into thinking that there is even one redeeming quality in them.

bite me

Posted by: booger on April 27, 2005 06:51 PM

Goddamn you are a sick fuck............
I like that.

Posted by: Maeve on April 27, 2005 08:15 PM

LOL -- and THAT is exactly why you're the first blog I click on to read every day!! Your unique 'approach' to whatever the subject is is always refreshing, thought provoking & entertaining -- even when it pisses me off. Glad you changed your mind about quitting -- I'd really miss my daily dose!

Posted by: Marianne on April 27, 2005 08:18 PM

If forced to choose between that top excerpt and Glenn Reynolds, I'd probably gouge out my eyes... no, I'd really choose the blog in the first example.

It may be boring horseshit, but at least it's not political (read: criminally boring) horseshit...


Thank Jesus (and I do) there's you to spare us all the monotony....

*sings, ala Rod Stewart*
"Have I told you lately that I love you..."


Posted by: Stevie on April 27, 2005 09:33 PM

THAT is too funny. Glad you decided to continue...

and I didn't even participate in the lovefest.

Posted by: todd on April 27, 2005 09:50 PM

Oh comes the Irish. Kinda like the clap, but harder to get rid of.

Oh, high Twenty...didn't notice ya there.

Posted by: Bane on April 28, 2005 12:35 AM

Dear Rob - Been away from the computer all day so I missed your return. Damn, Bro, but you made my day. I never thought for a minute that you'd stay away but I was worried that it might be an "extended leave" and then where would I go for my daily dose of bile? Welcome back, Rob, and don't scare us like that again. I'm still recovering from triple by-pass and I can't take too much of this. All the best, Terry

Posted by: Terry Reynolds on April 28, 2005 01:46 AM

Why not kick the cellphone up the dogs ass. Kill two birds with one stone eh?

Posted by: assrot on April 28, 2005 09:59 AM

PETA - AAAARRRRGGH!! I am the anti-Christ to PETA heads. I have raised pythons and bread them most of my life. I'm talking the big mothers here. I have, consequently, raised and fed every rodent known to man, including all the cute ones from hamsters to rabbits - by the thousands. The only thing I haven't fed them is cats and small dogs. But, every time I see a small dog, I think "Python Food".
As far as raising dogs goes, potty training goes real quick. I have a nice home. I worked hard to get the things that I have. I'll be god damned if I'm going to let anything shit on my stuff without DIRE consequences. Alpa male role? Damn straight. You shit on my carpet, I teach you how to fly around the room and out the back door. I have never hurt a dog, but the learning process is quick, and, all my dogs have loved me and been very loyal. However, making the mistake of trying to bite me anywhere in the process is damn near a fatal learning experience.
I don't know, maybe the attitude comes from being bit by too many 18 to 20ft. pythons and the occasional rattlesnake.

Sorry, I feel like hammered shit today and all those cute little "soooo"s snet me over the edge. I hate that shit in blogs and I just had to rant.

I feel better now.

DrugStore Cowboy

Posted by: DrugStore Cowboy on April 28, 2005 10:59 AM

You made bread out of snakes?

You sick fucker, Drugstore.

Posted by: Twenty Major on April 28, 2005 11:34 AM

Hey, there's one good thing about cell phones: You can call your girlfriend on it and your wife never sees her number on the bill...

Posted by: Jay G on April 28, 2005 11:50 AM

I've had enough with the common Psycho babble on raising kids, dogs and any other thing. "Positive reinforcement" is great when someone does something positive but Im sorry folks but my Pop beating my ass every time I got out of line kept me from doing a mess of shit that might have gotten me killed. My thoughts as a youngster were "is what I am about to do worth the beating I may get when I get home?" the answer invariably was no sir its not. So beat the hell out of everyone especially the damn shrinks who say "spanking teaches aggressive behavior". I say they need a good beating.

Posted by: Lanceredstaterant on April 28, 2005 11:50 AM

Damn and all this time I thought you were a Soccer Mom! What the Hell have I been reading!?

Posted by: Wendi on April 28, 2005 12:25 PM

Yes, that was riveting

Posted by: Joe on April 28, 2005 09:24 PM

Sorry about the mis-spell Twenty Major. Look at the name. I am the DRUGSTORE COWBOY after all. A lot of brain cells have gone down the river. BRED - dammit. (and I didn't personally breed them, although I have been accused of that.) Hmmm........ A snake that insults you with sarcastic comments before it bites you.......I may have to think on this some more.


Posted by: DrugStore Cowboy on April 29, 2005 10:54 AM

Hi. I have your website from a friends' recommendation. I just thought I'd drop by and share with you something i've working on for some time now. Feel free to visit:
I've been reading throught your website and you have quite some interesting topics here. keep it going. thanks;)

Posted by: raji2 on June 21, 2005 10:51 AM
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