Gut Rumbles

April 19, 2005

i wanna marry a lesbian

I've made up my mind. Give me a good-hearted woman, who keeps a nice house and doesn't care for sex with a man. I can live with that. I don't want sex that much anymore myself. Pussy is a lot stronger now than it was when I was young.

She can have her own bedroom and do whatever she wants to in there, as long as I approve of overnight guests. I don't want her dragging home any woman who reminds me of ME. Other than that, I believe that we could get along fine.

She should rub my back occasionally and let me cook for her, then talk to me after the meal. I'll give her a pedicure and paint her toenails. We'll watch movies and memorize the best part of the dialogue, then quote it back in apt situations.

Yeah. I could live with that.

I wanna marry a lesbian. Straight wimmen have too many head-problems.


A dike, shit Rob, could be a bad sitation. And as for women, all ladies have snakes, some are very small and some are very large. I seem to hook up with the ones with the biggest snake they can find, Cat

Posted by: catfish on April 19, 2005 10:50 PM

Acidman, I don't know. Seems to me, one second you're painting her toenails, next thing you know you're eating her out. All of a sudden, she thinks you give a shit.

You and Catfish scare me. I'm only 27. Any damn advice for me?

I realize women can go bonkers if the wind blows. There have been points in my life where they've driven me really to be someone that I'm not. I've dealt with that as I have matured. I've learned a lot and have a much better screening process AND a tougher skin.

I don't know. I like women. I'm not giving them up, but I think I'll always be cautious.

Jason H.
Austin, Texas

Posted by: Jason H on April 19, 2005 11:13 PM

Pedicures? *shiver with delight*

Posted by: Maeve on April 19, 2005 11:26 PM

Jason, here is a game plan for you. Do the three F's on them. Find them, fuck them and forget about them. That will do the trick for you, Cat

Posted by: catfish on April 19, 2005 11:29 PM

I Wanna Marry A Lesbian.
Put it to music and methinks you've got a hit on yer hands!

Posted by: PattiG on April 19, 2005 11:32 PM

You're as full of shit as a Christmas goose, Rob. Given all the shit you went through to get your Robo-Roscoe, there's no way in hell you're going to drop the noble pursuit.

How much did the new improved Roscoe cost? The only way you can amortize that expense is to spread the cost over as many boinks as you possibly can.

I don't know the cost, but lets just use $15,000 for a Roscoe cost basis. So with 15 boinks, Roscoe amortizes to a kilobuck a fuck. I think you need to try to get the rate down to, say, $15 a fuck. That's still more expensive than Viagra. But at least it's in the ballpark.

What I'm sayin', Rob, is, "Get your damn money's worth!"

Posted by: Hank on April 19, 2005 11:38 PM

First you complain you did'nt get any pussy, then you declare you never want any.... and you say "wimmen" are fickle? you men are all alike.

Posted by: livey on April 20, 2005 12:05 AM

I have to agree with Livey on this one. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I'm a woman myself. Who understands the opposite sex?

Posted by: Sam on April 20, 2005 12:13 AM

Jesus Christ, Acidman,

You are more fickle and bloviating than ANY woman I have ever known or fucked.

Your emotions rise and fall like the tides. And you follow them UP and DOWN like an imprinted duckling chasing a fucking drunken monkey.

But you ARE a talented writer.

So I like to keep coming back and watching the car-wreck that is your life.

Rock on, holmes.

Posted by: rightisright on April 20, 2005 12:31 AM

And it came to pass, in the time in which that which was desired was not to be found, that he lusted verily evermore, yeah, but without fruit.

Girding his loins, he ventured forward and declared forthwith to all that he no longer needed girded loins, since no longer within the desired location was the gird loined therein.

Upon much weeping and gnashing of teeth, a sudden calm came upon the sea. "Verily, verily," he sayeth unto himself, "I would rather sleep than go forth and copulate the world, or some such solemn declaration as such." And so it came to pass

Having renounced his birthright, he sold his curds and whey and went about the market place, seeking one whom he might devour.

But, alas, such a one was not to be found, and in his haste, he put forth a pledge that was contrary to his own heart and to nails of the toe christened red which rendered his heart divided.

"Be it within my power to be powerless, let the one who ate first of the fruit no longer desire my fruit, but instead, dwell peacefully in the tree with my serpent, fearing no evil or any other act, save that of sleep."

And so, it came to pass . . .

That he passed on pussy.

And in that day, great was his turmoil within, but without peace.

So it is written as he has spoken.

Posted by: jb on April 20, 2005 02:30 AM

"And in that day, great was his turmoil within, but without peace."

Shouldn't that be spelled "piece"?

Posted by: Mamamontezz on April 20, 2005 04:55 AM

Apparently - after the age of 40 a man's testesterone goes into decline. Does that means they become more like women? It would explain a lot.

Posted by: Nelly on April 20, 2005 07:09 AM

I haven't even had my second cup of mornin coffee and I need this garbage!

Sweet jeeeeeeeezus!

Picturing you and Rosie O'Donnell watching 40's B&W old movies doesn't do much for my appetite. I'll be forcing down my eggs and grits this morning.

Posted by: Maggie on April 20, 2005 07:40 AM

You want to marry a lesbian? Why would you want to marry anyone?? I gave up on the institution of marriage after one shot...I would think after two you'd have wised up by now LOL.

Living in sin, that's where it's at!

Posted by: Chablis on April 20, 2005 09:00 AM

Well, ya had me hooked until ya said I couldn't be straight,,,

Posted by: Michele on April 20, 2005 09:19 AM

i married a lesbian.of course i keep telling her that so she'll go find a good looking girl friend then i can my age [60] i need all the stimulation assistance i can get my hands on.c.j.g.

Posted by: CJG on April 20, 2005 09:24 AM

Maggie - ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Posted by: Bonita on April 20, 2005 09:26 AM

Okay Rob, dish. Who was she? You nailed one during the Bloggerfest, didn't you? Thought she had possibilities -- until you found out she was married. Now you're swearing off.

Not that I've ever been there, but if I was, I was a damn sight younger than you are. Hell, I was younger than Jason.

If I'd ever been there, which I'm not saying I ever was.

Posted by: McGehee on April 20, 2005 10:31 AM

Like father like dau ....

Posted by: Phil-Z on April 20, 2005 01:29 PM

Try this dude.

Posted by: Assrot on April 20, 2005 01:36 PM

You're forgetting something.

"Dykes" as you refer to them, are still women.

Those women still have hormones and get vapors.

Verily, the only thing you cut out of the picture is the only thing that usually makes it WORTH it for a man to put up with the bullshit hysteria...pussy.

Posted by: Cythen on April 20, 2005 01:48 PM

Just don't bother with American women; other nationalities are MUCH better.

Posted by: Terry on April 20, 2005 11:15 PM

One of the best girlfriends I ever had was lesbian. Was three years ago and she had just broken up with her lover. She told me I could do whatever I wanted with her, long as I didn't poke her. We spent many days and nights together and are still friends. I just turned 50, she 32. I loved robbing that cradle, wine does wonders, and thank God she never new,errr got knocked up..They're fun Rob! Murry

Posted by: murry on April 21, 2005 06:19 AM

Sour grapes? Naw, I don't think so.

At some point lonliness becomes more powerful than horniness.

Posted by: Desert Cat on April 21, 2005 10:57 PM
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