Gut Rumbles

April 13, 2005

fire ants

I left these little bastards off my list of pesteriferous things we deal with every day Down South. I shouldn't have done that, because they are worse than sand gnats, mosquitoes and chiggers combined.

They are small, red ants but they have the temper of a PMSing woman and the sting of a wasp. You never get bitten by ONE fire ant. The sumbitches come boiling out of the mound by the thousands and cover you up. They raise a white-head blister everywhere they bite and several people die every year in Georgia after being attacked by those things.

I remember when Quinton was about two years old, and he was playing with a ball in the back yard while I sat on the porch and read a book. All of a sudden, he started screaming. I ran to check on him and found him standing RIGHT ON TOP of a fire ant mound. Those vicious killers were tearing his little ass up and he didn't know what was happening.

I grabbed him and ran to the water hose, dusting ants off all the way, where I was able to wash him down and get those fucking things offa him. But they had done their damage.

He must have had 100 bites on his legs and he ran a fever for two days. He looked as if someone had burned him with a lit cigarette all over his legs for two weeks after that. Fire ants are nasty bastards.

I've been waging war on them ever since that day. I've probably killed a billion of them, but they just keep coming back. You can run them from one place to another, but you'll never get rid of them. They are hardy as well as vicious.

I've tried everything anybody at Webb's Seed and Feed ever told me to use, and all I've ever managed to do is run the bastards out of my yard into my neighbor's yard. He took the same advice and ran them right back into MY yard. It's an unending cycle.

Fire ants are the most disgusting creatures I know of on this planet.


Well, I don't get along with my neighbor. They've thrown rocks at my dog (through a 4 1/2ft fence, so it's not like it was a defensive rock-throw) and they leave trash all over the side of the road and blare music/rev their truck at all hours.

What can I use to shoo these red fuckers into their yard? I've got about three stubborn mounds spread out all over my yard right now and I want to nuke the bastards.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on April 13, 2005 03:58 PM

In Houston our neighborhood established a specific week for everyone to attack them. This helped to minimize their roaming from yard to yard. I found the best stuff to use was a bait the soldiers would take back and feed the queen.
My cajun neighbor preferred gasoline and a match, but then that or a shotgun were his usual approaches to pest control.

Posted by: bottlestop on April 13, 2005 04:13 PM

I fucking hate fire ants. I've got scars all over my feet and legs from going barefoot or with sandals in my yard.

The ONLY thing I've seen that has really helped is grits. A little old lady at work told me how she used to pour dry grits over the mounds and that used to keep them from her yard.

I personally enjoy pouring gas over top the mounds and watching the little fuckers shrivel up and die a slow, painful death. It may not get rid of them, but it sure makes me feel better.

Posted by: Gennie on April 13, 2005 04:13 PM

I have a mound on the side of the house , one of many. I took my pressure washer and pushed the nozzle down in the mound fired that puppy up and let it run, never did fill that damn ant mount up but drowned a shitload of them. Fire ants are worse that a red headed whore on crack.

Posted by: james old guy on April 13, 2005 04:21 PM

We have thousands of deer which usually means deer ticks. We have none. They say the fire ants have eaten all the deer ticks. That's the only good thing I've ever heard about fire ants.

Posted by: Dash on April 13, 2005 04:25 PM

Amdro Fire Ant Killer is the best thing I've found to run them into your neighbor's yard.

I've tried dry grits, gasoline, fuel oil and all that other stuff (Including pissing on them) and none of it works.

Try Amdro. It won't solve the problem, but it WILL make them relocate.

Posted by: Acidman on April 13, 2005 04:26 PM

.. I use Amdro here... filthy bastards... it really is a constant battle... still, Gennie's idea is always a crowd-pleaser...

Posted by: Eric on April 13, 2005 04:48 PM

I have used diatomaceous earth with great success. It really fucks them up. I put a trail all around my house when the rains stop to keep out the ants and the spiders. It's like feeding them ground glass, and I imagine it hurts, cuz they sure seem to be in agony while breathing it. That stuff they take back to the queen works, too. I combine em.

Posted by: Bane on April 13, 2005 04:54 PM

OMG! These are the most VILE and EVIL little creatures on the face of the earth! We get invaded every year and they are SO hard to get rid of...once you think they are gone...they show up somewhere else!

My sons is also HIGHLY allergic to when he gets bit by them he doesn't just get a little swelling...they turn into huge nasty welts that get pussy and infected....

I hate them...they are the scourge of the earth and MUST be destroyed!

Posted by: Wendi on April 13, 2005 04:55 PM

When I get an ant pile , it's time to fertilize the yard. I fertilize the whole yard and put a big heaping scoop on the ant pile. It's great for the lawn and the chemicals are toxic to the ants. Kills two birds with one stone and I'm usually good with ants til the following spring.

Though I have been told that if you have an antpile around the foundation of your house, to leave it there because most likely their presence is to eat termite larve.

Posted by: dawn on April 13, 2005 05:01 PM

There were two unpleasant discoveries when I moved to Florida: fire ants and palmetto bugs. I was standing on the side of the road with a flat tire when suddenly an army of fire ants started biting into me. The palmetto bugs look like but are bigger than cockroaches and harder to kill.

Posted by: oregano on April 13, 2005 05:38 PM

Yes, the list of insects here in the south is asounding, fire ants notwithstanding.

Posted by: Moogie on April 13, 2005 06:11 PM

Oregano, I am sorry to say welcome to the South.... we call 'em water bugs in Texas, but they are just LARGE flying cockroaches....and they are awful things......

Posted by: Kelley on April 13, 2005 06:47 PM

Well, I'm gunna have NIGHTMARES tonight!

Posted by: Bonita on April 13, 2005 07:55 PM

Courtesy of the good ole EPA, another governmental agency whose sole existence is grounded in telling free people what they cannot do . . .

What would free your yard for ten years of any bug-type critters, is prohibited by the government's nannies.

But if you know an old bird farmer to whom you can whisper "chlordane" . . . ask for 4 ounces and dilution directions.

Then be rid of all the bugs.


Posted by: jb on April 13, 2005 09:30 PM

When we moved down here, I was concerned about fire ants, but we don't seem to have them in our yard. Instead we seem to have Argentine ants, which don't bother us any -- but they keep the fire ants away better than a moat.

Posted by: McGehee on April 13, 2005 10:02 PM

Fire ants like to climb before they attack. So you can use this tactic to create an amusing display.

Place a lit cigarette vertically and butt down (fire-end up) into the center of a fireant mound. Stand back and watch as a constant stream of ants rush to the top of their attacker, have their little legs burned off, and hurtle screaming in agony to the ground. At the peak of the activity, it will look like a small red fountain.

PETA might frown, but that's just a fringe benefit.

Posted by: homebru on April 13, 2005 10:24 PM

Fire ants. They suck. We don't have them up north. I guess it IS better to be a Yankee after all!

Posted by: Shane on April 13, 2005 10:52 PM

Shane, no it's not

Posted by: catfish on April 13, 2005 11:26 PM

I'll take fire ants and mild winters over freezing winters and yankee accents any day. No offense, or anything.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on April 13, 2005 11:46 PM

I've had the best luck with Orthene Fire Ant Killer. The mounds seem to die, and I can't find evidence of them moving to another yard.

Posted by: Walrilla on April 14, 2005 12:53 AM

Yep, chlordane is the answer, the only answer. Next time you are down in Costa Rica, buy a quart of the concentrate and figger out a way to get it back in. It's prolly cheap enuff down there you could just puttit in your luggage and hope for the best. Or you could check the color, find a liquor bottle of the appropriate color liquor and rebottle it and declare it as your quart of duty free booze.

What ever you do, you must get some.

Posted by: Rivrdog on April 14, 2005 12:57 AM

Wow I feel like a drug pusher. I guess maybe I should keep my chlordane dealer private? Wow, I smell money comming...
But I have been known to imbibe in things, can't bribe, I just have money
Wondering what a gallon might bring?

Posted by: murry on April 14, 2005 02:57 AM

When I lived in Louisiana, I found a litle lawnmower gasoline poured down the hole did a dandy job. The secret was to pour in about 1 cups worth and then go on mowing for 3 or 4 minutes. Then, after the gasoline fumes had time to spread out through all the tenacles of the nest, then I would throw a match on it!

The thump of the explosions was certainly satisfying and it seemed to keep the ants at bay.

Posted by: Nate on April 14, 2005 09:41 AM

Speaking of the tree hugging EPA, I wonder what DDT would do to em?

Posted by: Sticky B on April 14, 2005 10:12 AM

Gasoline works best.

Posted by: Gil-galad on April 14, 2005 11:49 AM

I don't know anything about fire ants, but I know this: you can kill a colony of burrowing wasps by putting a clear glass bowl over the opening. The wasps could easily dig their way out, but they don't - because they can see the daylight. They go round and round until they starve to death.

Those ants just might do the same.

Posted by: dipnut on April 14, 2005 03:31 PM

Dipnut, that won't work on fire ants. They have escape tunnels dug as much as ten yards from the main hole. That's one of the things that makes those bastards so hard to kill.

Posted by: Acidman on April 14, 2005 03:37 PM

For all the whining about fire ants, I am not impressed.

Living in Florida, I have heard about them for decades. I was an adult before I realized what they were. I was very surprised when I learned they were the same puny red ants that had been stinging me all my life. I thought they were monster ants that gave hideous stings. I'd rather be stung by a hundred fire ants than one bee.

Also, Amdro wipes them out in about a day. Permanently.

Posted by: Steve H. on April 14, 2005 05:15 PM

I've always believed that while God created every living thing that walks, crawls, swims, or otherwise moves about on this earth, there were two exceptions to this rule. One of these is fire ants; they're the direct spawn of Satan. (The other is rat-sized "dogs" of the sort generally owned by old ladies. I don't know exactly where they came from, but no perfect or even sane God would ever have created anything so disgusting.)

When I was three years old and living in Texas, I did exactly the same thing as your son did; stepped right on top of a fire ant nest. You often don't even *notice* the little buggers at first, not until they all start biting you at once, so I was standing on the nest for maybe twenty seconds. *shudder* To make matters worse, I had been running through the sprinklers and was clad only in my swim trunks. I remember my mom running out of the house and having to get them all off with a wet towel. I hurt like hell for two weeks after that, and it's about the only thing I remember from when I was three. Those things eat *cows* in parts of Texas; the ranchers have to kill the nests with *napalm*. Yeah, napalm, as in WWII set-you-on-fire-extremely-painful death *napalm*.

Posted by: Gidgidoni on April 15, 2005 10:35 AM

we had the fuckers in our APARTMENT last year. ugh. and I'm allergic to them so not only do I get the nasty blister, my entire extremity aches for days on end. those are some nasty little fuckers.

Posted by: girl on April 15, 2005 11:41 AM
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