Gut Rumbles
 

April 12, 2005

the corporate world

I laughed out loud when I read this. Bejus! How many times have I seen the same thing?

ALL corporations are staffed by three kinds of people. First, you have the "management" types, who learned everything they THINK they know in MBA school, and they usually have no fucking clue what they're doing.

Second, you have the ass-kissers who latch onto the management types the the way a pilot fish latches onto a shark. These people have no fucking clue, either, but they intend to hitch their wagon to the right rising star, and flattery, fawning and toadery are their tools.

Third, you have the competent people who actually operate the place. When corporate headquarters screams about "cost-cutting," who are the first people they axe? Take a wild guess.

I have a question to ask. How many of YOU people know what "Six Sigma" is?

Comments

A production standard that requires something along the lines of three or less failures in a million units. Or so I recall, anyway.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on April 12, 2005 11:34 AM

Yes, we're doing it at my company as well. We're also doing Kaizen, which I like, but my company is so bloated and slow-moving that I doubt any of it will make a real difference.

Posted by: Rednecks Wife on April 12, 2005 11:49 AM

Well of course, hard work , ethics , taking responsablity and making decisions will get your ass fired every time.

Posted by: James Old Guy on April 12, 2005 11:55 AM

I thought only us public school teachers had to sit through "reinvent the wheel" bullshit seminars. It's nice to know that some of you private enterprise types get a dose of that shit too.

Posted by: Sticky B on April 12, 2005 12:39 PM

A measure of quality that strives for near perfection.

Posted by: ken on April 12, 2005 12:44 PM

...and I thought it was German for "Where's the beer?"

Posted by: Jeff on April 12, 2005 12:53 PM

Fraternity for folks with a stuttering problem?

Posted by: Jim -PRS on April 12, 2005 01:23 PM

**raises hand**

We were totally fucked after sick schmegma.

It backfired, of course, people leaving en mass. Sure am glad I don't work for that company anymore.

Posted by: Surfie on April 12, 2005 01:58 PM

Sheesh, I am still stuck back in the days of TQL/TCM and the remnets of Dr. Demming.

Posted by: Guy S. on April 12, 2005 02:12 PM

I worked for our county Office of Education, and we went through the TQM program. The teachers involved (who taught Special Ed as well as Alternative Ed - those were the ones teaching at Juvenile Hall and the classes for expelled students or ones on probation through the court) had enough to do without spending time breaking out into small groups and coming up with Mission Statement objectives.

What a waste of time.

Posted by: Trish on April 12, 2005 02:25 PM

Actually I do know what 6 sigma is. Just finished some training in it. In the company I work for we are being trained in the six sigma dmaic process. Not that I will doing any of that. But I got my certificate.

Posted by: Ray on April 12, 2005 02:51 PM

Ray, don't they give out "belts," like karate? At least I think that's how I remember it being "graded," for lack of a better word.

Posted by: Surfie on April 12, 2005 03:15 PM

Here's how an honest boss explains company policies:

http://tinyurl.com/4nkzu

Posted by: Woody on April 12, 2005 04:24 PM

YES, they give out "belts" for Six Sigma training. Just like karate. I'm a Green Belt.

My ex-wife is a BLACK BELT, the highest ranking you can achieve. That fact alone should tell you all you need to know about Six Sigma.

Posted by: Acidman on April 12, 2005 06:06 PM

Oh lovely. I try not to think of it much. I keep my belt hidden.

Posted by: Moogie on April 12, 2005 09:15 PM

It's also called "qualicide" or suicide by quality.

Posted by: Jonathan on April 12, 2005 11:07 PM

If you're ever have the chance to write remarks or a speech for your boss, here is a way to have a secret laugh at him: (or her, I know!):

Bosses love buzzwords, so use "new direction" a lot in the speech you write for him. Sit back and laugh every time he says it in front of a room full of people.

(say it "new direction" quickly three times)

Of course I wouldn't do that or anything. Never.


Posted by: Grace on April 12, 2005 11:41 PM

Since I read GOC,I know what it is. The funny thing even in the logging industry,the Companies have tried the same things........Not so much classroom "excercises" but more outdoorsy type group action We had to assemble "The Wall"and help each other sctamble up and over it. Then it was erecting a rope bridge over a small gulley and getting over it(I'm dead terrified of heights) and then it was following compass points and mapping in kayaks. All this at an exclusive seaside rsort in the off season.......it was great ,four days of no radio or t.v.,great food and an open bar tab:).......The resort,in my opinion,was the kind of place you would like to bring somebody else's wife :).......BTW...when you have a room full of fairly large guys squirming into black neoprene wet suits,it gives a whole new meaning to "heavy equipment operator"

Posted by: big al on April 12, 2005 11:42 PM

Oh, help us all. We've been through Modelnetics, which is the same bs.

As was Spin, as was whatever other buzzword program proferred throughout the last 20 years.

I laughed hysterically, in bed reading this shit, as my hub's division at Kodak tanked, while the most recent CEO pushed his version of whatever was current to motivate the masses.

I wish I had stock in these vultures' programs. They still succeed in sucking people in. It's all "What is common sense and how do you get along with living human beings?"

Amazing.

If I were rich I'd walk into their offices and simply call bullshit.

Posted by: bbking on April 13, 2005 12:07 AM

LOL @ Grace RE: "Newdirection".
That made my night.

Posted by: Eddie on April 13, 2005 01:10 AM

IBM went through a million of these quality fad things over the years....

Really, does anyone need these assinine metrics to tell them that the product they're putting out is good or crap?

A real pro know crap from quality in his gut.

Posted by: t on April 13, 2005 02:31 AM

If there ever was a buncha bullshit, Six Sigma is IT. It's part of the reason I left my last job. But, I've gotta give credit to whoever thought up THAT little gem. I'm sure they're billionaires by now.

Posted by: Pammy on April 13, 2005 01:28 PM

On a Six Sigma comittee now.... ugh.... just another way to waste our time while the real work piles up around our ears.....

Posted by: ragex on April 14, 2005 12:25 PM

"Six Sigma" is the new sign of the Devil, long since replacing 666 in the corporate world. Turns out that Six Sigma is a far more effective tool of evil than one little bitty anti-Christ.

I'm one of the competent ones. You can tell because I've usually got a WTF?! look on my face during the meettings with our MBA types. Business jargon is complete bullshit, used by know-nothing types to disguise the fact that they don't know an effing thing.

Posted by: physics geek on April 14, 2005 04:25 PM

I though Six Smegma was something you had to wipe off afterward. And they give out belts, like in martial arts. Does this mean I have to kick someone's ass? How about a belt of scotch?

Posted by: Cappy on April 16, 2005 09:37 AM

I don't know which was worse, the six smegma stuff or the various new ways to do project management. I once had to work for a recent grad of Harvard Business School who implemented their whole project management methodology. By the time we got to the 3rd phase of the project we were already 3 months behind and we were just getting started. They fired the witch and gave me the job and we had to work double shifts to make up the time to get the job done. The witch had spent so much time filling out her charts on progress that we really had no idea what had been done so we essentially had to start all over again.

When is management going to realize that a couple of vets to help point out the stuff that was tried and didn't work and the stuff that did work will make the whole thing work better. Or is that just too much common sense for management to absorb.

Posted by: dick on April 16, 2005 11:53 PM

Six sigma takes you a whole new level of bullshit. It is a scheme to fuck employees even more. If you are really into bullshit, then six-sigma is your baby.

Mostly, six-sigma is a sharp way to take money from corporations who love to buy and pay for bullshit because they do not know what else to do.

Six-sigma does not have markets in India, China, or Mexico. Go figure.

Posted by: Peckerhead on April 4, 2010 04:22 PM
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