Gut Rumbles

April 08, 2005

fall down go boom

I busted my ass in my living room last night. I was on the phone with my friend Kenny and yes, I had been drinking. I got up off the couch to go to the bathroom and I was viciously attacked by a bag of canned goods I left on the floor after my last trip to Kroger's.

I believe it was the baby lima beans that got me, but it could have been the fruit cocktail. One of those sumbitches grabbed me by my bad foot, tangled me up in the plastic grocery bag and down I went. KA-BOOM!

I don't have a whole lot of ass anymore. Not much padding back there and when I fall on it, I hurt. I dropped the phone and almost hit my head on the coffee table (I damn near pulled a William Holden. Coulda killed my fool self). Kenny was still there when I picked up the phone. "What happened?" he asked.

"I was headed to the bathroom and fell on my ass," I replied.

"Are you okay?"

"Hell, yeah. I'm fine. I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore, either. I just pissed all over myself." He laughed and I laughed and we went on talking until he said something about LOVE that angered me and I hung up on him in a fit of spite. He's one of those people who keeps telling me that I need a woman in my life.

I call bullshit on that. The woman I HAD will never be content until she sees me broke and dead, and she's working tirelessly on that project. I don't think I can stand another dose of that shit.

Besides, what woman would HAVE a man with an artificial dick, no job, a filthy kitchen, canned goods on the living room floor and a propensity to fall on his ass and piss all over himself? I'm not desperate enough to WANT a woman who would put up with me now.

That's the truth.


Well, it could be worse... At least you didn't shit your pants too? Tell me you didn't.

Posted by: sadie on April 8, 2005 11:27 AM

No, Sadie, I didn't shit my pants. But I am capable of doing that, too.

Posted by: Acidman on April 8, 2005 11:37 AM

You should pretend you're in prison. Women would be all over your skinny ass.

Posted by: rightisright on April 8, 2005 12:26 PM

Was this before or after your date with that bar of soap? Maybe you were still a bit weak in the knees?

I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt...but the mental images will entertain me for hours LOL.

Oh...and I believe it was the lima beans that got you. What the hell are you doing with lima beans anyways? Anything that tastes THAT evil must have a mind of it's own.

Posted by: Chablis on April 8, 2005 12:28 PM

Gawd, I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants!! And if you recall, that is something we were going to laugh about at jekyll anyway!

Posted by: Michele on April 8, 2005 01:17 PM

I'd think women would *like* a dick that never got soft on its own, and could get hard on command, 100% of the time.

Posted by: Sigivald on April 8, 2005 02:29 PM

Getting older sucks. I had to face that reality when I was told I needed bifocals. Yeah, OLD MAN glasses. the first day I had them I fell down the stairs at the movie theatre, in front of about 200 people. I am convinced to this day some punk kid with his ass crack showing must have tripped me!

Posted by: hoosierboy on April 8, 2005 02:35 PM

Desperate enough to want a woman who would love you now, the way you are...I see it all the time in our Alzheimer unit at work. Once the mind and body are gone, the heart takes over, and over, and over. You see, they forget they've fallen in love, and they start over again every day!

Posted by: Bonita on April 8, 2005 06:08 PM

What you think is desperate may be a step up for some.......

Posted by: Symph on April 8, 2005 09:33 PM
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