Gut Rumbles

April 08, 2005

boys in the bushes

I remember doing this many a time. We'd have a pick-up baseball game going in the back yard and someone would hit a red-hot one and it would bounce into the bushes. He'd round the bases while one of the outfielders searched frantically for the ball.

When HE couldn't find it, we ALL started looking frantically for the ball. Without a ball, we had no game and we weren't rich kids with a whole sack of those things to play with. If you saw 12 boys with their butts in the air while running their hands though dead leaves and legustrum roots, you knew good and well that they were looking for a lost baseball.

"I SAW it go in RIGHT HERE!!!" Famous last words. That lost ball broke up many a baseball game when I was young.

Sometimes I think of Quinton as that lost baseball. I can crawl around in the bushes all I want to, but I'll never find him again. The ball is lost. Game over.

That bat sure is heavy to carry back to the house when you've lost the only ball you had.


Since you have a couple of Kim's here, I'm gonna post with my usual screen name. My dog appreciates it, too.

You haven't lost Quinton. There are times during the life of kidlets that you think you've lost them, even without the nasty, horrendous crap that you've been through. But, the good stuff really does stick in their heads and hearts and will be thrown back at you and make you go, "Holy crap. It worked."

There will always be stretches of roughness, and you have and will have more than most just because of the situation, but, take heart. They are smart pups. Sometimes smarter than we are.

Just take heart.

Posted by: bbking on April 8, 2005 12:18 AM

Maybe it's time for a Do-Over?

Posted by: The Spud King on April 8, 2005 12:35 AM

If Quinton were to read this don't you think he would interpret it as his dad has given up on him? Wake up and smell the coffee dude!

Posted by: livey on April 8, 2005 01:05 AM

You should save all your post about him because one day he'll show up and demand proof that all the trash your ex told his were lies. Then you can whip out your posts about him and instant male bonding. Seriously, kids remember things that will amaze you. He'll be back some day, some how. Just take a deep breath and hope it's not too long away.

Posted by: Junebugg on April 8, 2005 04:45 AM

You know as well as I do that the ball is not always lost . Very often it is found and the game goes on. Sometimes just before giving up the horsehide peeks out from under a stray leaf ,or a clump of grass like it was saying" here ! here I am !!!" and everyone celebrates and yer playmates clap you on the back and say things "like good job:,or "I`m glad you found it". Then the game goes on and everyone knows it is because of your actions and you play on until that sweet soft twilite comes and that is what it is all about.You and your found ball all about you celebrating your perserverance. And you being happy that the game was not called but only delayed for a bit .

Posted by: arathorn on April 8, 2005 06:01 AM

Do you remember the theory of "self-fulfilling prophecy'?

Now enough of these types of comments about Quinton!

Posted by: Maggie on April 8, 2005 07:00 AM

Maggie's right. If you keep driving yourself nuts like this, then when he does come back -- and he will -- you'll be no use to him and he'll decide maybe his mom has been right about you all along.

And we all know how you feel about proving his mother right about anything.

Posted by: McGehee on April 8, 2005 10:37 AM

In fact, here's my advice: no posts about Quinton after supper. And especially not after midnight.

Posted by: McGehee on April 8, 2005 10:38 AM

Maybe I've missed something (and I haven't had the opportunity to read through your entire blog yet to see if the answer's here) but why does she seem to hate you so? Why would Quinton want to avoid you? Is she using him to punish you?

If so, she's hurting him too. How can revenge trump your child? And the time she's stealing from both of you you can't get back.

Is it possible that Quinton is feeling like you are -- why can't I see my dad? If so, its possible that his anger about that will build and as soon as he's able he may just do something about it ! Where I live, at around age 12 or 13, a child's wishes regarding which parent he'd like to live with are taken into consideration by the judge.

Try and be patient and "be there" for him. Don't EVER give up on that ball turning up again and again.

I don't even consider my father a "lost ball" even though he died when I was an infant. I will meet him again someday, and I'm truly looking forward to it!

Posted by: Linda on April 8, 2005 01:04 PM

All those in favor of hope, raise both hands with a shout and a prayer! Just DON'T look down.

Posted by: Bonita on April 8, 2005 05:37 PM

I know this is a very hurtful time in your life. I can't imagine how it must feel to not have contact with your son.
I know it's been said before but I know this to be fact both in my own relationship with my father and my ex husbands relationship with his children.
Keep doing what you are doing. Keep sending the cards and notes and phonecalls. Even if they go unanswered, they are proof to your son that you DO care about him and his well being and that you love and miss him.. Let him know continually that you are here for him and that you always will be.
Right now he is being brainwashed by a no good piece of shit, self centered and self indulging woman who .......if she cared a lick for his well being would be pushing him to have a relationship with you.
He WILL gorw up and he WILL remember that you were always there and that his mother is the one who prevented that relationship, NOT YOU!
I to this day resent my mother for badmouthing my father and preventing us from seeing him but now that I have grown up and think back to all my dad did, HE is the one that I have the close relationship with.
The same holds true for my ex's kids, they were given the "your father is a piece of shit" spiel all their lives and now that they are 20, 22 and 24, GUESS who they are close to and which parent they resent?
I wish there was a way to ease your pain.

Posted by: dawn on April 8, 2005 11:26 PM

what the fuck EVER.....a mother raises her kid....was probably fucked over really bad by this man and has to have ties with him for the rest of her's not easy and it's not always handled with grace...we are only human...but you think it's justice for a woman who dedicated her life to her children to have them resent her? thats really sad

Posted by: my name on December 24, 2005 08:35 PM
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