Gut Rumbles

April 07, 2005

random thoughts

* I really would like to go to Australia some day. I'd like to rent a car and drive all the way across that country. I have only two problems with that idea. First, a plane trip from Savannah, Georgia to Australia takes about 16 hours and I probably would die from terminal ass-cramps before I ever landed. Second, I would forget which side of the road I was supposed to be driving on and probably kill myself THAT way if I survived the plane trip.

* I went four years in a row conducting annual Acid Plant turnarounds without ever having an injury. Year #5 got me when an experienced, professional pipefitter got hurt. He was tightening the flanges on BRAND NEW recirculation piping, with no acid anywhere and the dumb sumbitch let a 24" wrench slip off a nut and crack him square in the mouth. He required four stitches to his lip and caps on two of his front teeth. OSHA recordable. I spent a fucking MONTH after that filling out accident reports, doing incident investigations and dealing with Federal paperwork. I have one simple question to ask: do I have any professional pipefitters who read this blog? (Millwrights will tell you that pipefitters can't read, but I don't believe that lie.) If you bust yourself in the mouth with a wrench, whose fault is it?

* I saw a man die at work one day. He was a roofer, working about 100' off the ground when he jumped onto some old transite roof material, broke right through it and landed head-first on the concrete below. He resembed a broken rag doll covered in red paint. I was part of the Medical First Responder team, so I was called right away. I took one look at the guy and figured he was either dead or dying. He was bent at very bad angles and had bones sticking out of odd places. I told everybody not to move him and we tried to give him oxygen, and I think he might still have been breathing at the time.

The company nurse showed up in the company ambulance shortly thereafter and the first thing she did was ROLL THE GUY OVER ON HIS BACK!!! If he wasn't dead before that, she damn sure killed him. I was always taught NEVER to move a fall victim until you could secure the neck and spine. Those bloodstains were still there on the concrete the day I walked out of that plant for the last time.

* I once saw a friend of mine piss on an electric fence because he didn't know what it was. You wanna talk about something FUNNY??? THAT was funny.

* I knew an....uh.... "exotic dancer" who could cram FIVE ping-pong balls up her coochie and then fire them out one at a time with incredible velocity and accuracy. If you wanted to observe too closely, you could end up with a black eye.

* I have seen a LOT of interesting things in my life and I don't believe that I'm finished yet.


No shit....seen an "entertainer" take a role of quarters, put a "Mr. Have a Nice Day" smiley face sticker on the top quarter, "secure" the $10.00 in quarters neatly inside her, do some gyrations, squat over a brandy glass and drop one quarter in the glass....It was the one with Mr. Have a Nice Day on it. I was shocked and amazed. Drunk too, so I can only attest that this happened to the best of my recollection. But everybody else said the same thing so it happened alright. We all have our talents I guess....I wonder how she figured out she had that one.

Posted by: DONGER on April 7, 2005 09:14 PM

In my fire dept, we have a saying...."Protect the patient from drive up nurses". They mean well but most of them have skills meant for a hospital. I'm sure they're great in a hospital, but unless they've been trained for the field, it's not there setting. Lot of 'em know this too and are very good at assisting our paramedic. We appreciate their help. It's the ones who break in like a full back announcing to everyone that they are a nurse and expect to supervise patient care. These are usually new grads.

Posted by: DONGER on April 7, 2005 09:21 PM

I, too, have a bad jones to see Australia. A flight from Atlanta, though, is more like a twenty-four hour jobbie than a twelve - a real ass-cramper. I wouldn't let that stop me, though, if I had the money and the freedom to take off and go, like you do...

Take a laptop, several books, and a handful of pills. You'll be fine!

Posted by: Queenie on April 7, 2005 09:43 PM

I would have given SERIOUS consideration to a trip to OZ myself.... if it weren't 26 fucking hours from NYC.

Anything over 2.5 hours and I HAVE to go First Class. My 6'2" 260# arse doesn't do coach very well. Longest flight I ever did was 7 hours. I was about to jump out of my skin at the end. Never again (without Valium, that is).

We used to have a local entertainer named HotDog Shannon. She could swallow a whole PACK of foot longs then spit them up into the air one at a time. Then there was the cucumber trick....

An old chum used to tell us how he would "hide" a can of peaches (out of the can, of course) inside his wife. He would then proceed to push on her stomach and make them shoot out. Why he found this arousing (and why he told us), I don't know.

And Rob, as the owner of a construction company, I can tell you it doesn't matter one iota HOW the fuggin' accident occured. It is still the BOSS' fault. Don't get me started on my freaking Workmans Comp bills. ...

So the ol' Whiz on the Electric Fence thing isn't an urban legend?

Posted by: rightisright on April 7, 2005 09:55 PM

If you go to Australia, be sure to look up Tim Blair and have lunch with him. A big lunch, with Australian wine. Tim knows you. He just posted a link to your list of ten prominent SOBs.

Posted by: Ernie G on April 7, 2005 10:03 PM

I don't know where you guys are getting your info on flights to Oz. We just went there in Feb. It's about 14.5 hours from LAX. And you tell your Dr. how scared you are of flying and he fixes you up anti-scared medicine.
Another thing...quantas has little tv's on the back of all the seats and I'm not exaggerating. They had 7 movies on, TV programs, a shitpot full of games that you play with the channel changer that comes loose from from your seat.
And best of all...that magic sound of VB cans cracking open. (Best dang beer imaginable)
Driving....well you don't practice downtown, I've learned that; but self preservation keeps you on the left side of the road.
As for'd fit right in there. They call a spade a spade and make no apologies for it.
Also, get this...they like us and think our 'accent' is cool. Darnedest thing.

Posted by: lg on April 7, 2005 11:49 PM

oh, and i've been a pipe-fighter for a long time now. It would be my fault; but, by the time my boss got done with the'd be his fault. And we'd all have to wear collanders over our faces for the rest of time.

Posted by: lg on April 7, 2005 11:57 PM

Yeah... pipe-fighters and millwrongs. I've worked with them all.

Posted by: Acidman on April 8, 2005 12:25 AM

I went to australia, and I totally recommend it. The only really uncomfortable flight was the 7 hours from Charlotte to LAX, cause those cross-country flights are terrible. In the Quantas plane the coach seats were a helluva lot better than the first class on the other one. The food was decent, the seat was bigger and more comfortable, and there was plenty to watch/listen to. My only complaint is that we had to avoid a storm on the way back, and the flight ended up lasting 17 1/2 hours.

Posted by: shane on April 8, 2005 02:01 AM

Re: ping pong balls. It's all fun and games until someone puts out an eye.

Re: Donger's quarters. The fancy name for the quarter trick is prestivagination.

Posted by: Arcs on April 8, 2005 07:18 AM

I call bullshit on the electric fence. I've pissed on many a one to prove a point. The urine stream breaks up about two inches past the end of your dick. To get a shock, you'd have to be REAL close!

Posted by: Ed on April 8, 2005 07:59 AM

The trip to Australia is worth it. I love that place. The trip from LAX to Sydney is about 14 hours (and 16 back), and LA is a total hellhole, but QANTAS planes are SO nice that you barely even notice.

Except they had fuck-horrible movies on my flights and I can't sleep on a plane, so I almost went apeshit and started seeing things on the wing. But it was worth it.

Posted by: Grand Fromage on April 8, 2005 10:39 AM

Always wanted to go to Oz myself. If you get the chance, Rob, read Bill Bryson's "In a Sunburned Country." He drove more or less around Australia, but the gist of the book's the same.

Posted by: Ripper on April 8, 2005 10:44 AM

All right, Ed. I'll make a bet with you. Let me crank my lawn mower and YOU piss on the spark plug.

Then we can talk about broken urine streams.

Posted by: Acidman on April 8, 2005 11:01 AM

I just might take you up on that Rob, the next time I'm down your way! Note, I like Wild Turkey and it sure does help to get a good stream going!

Posted by: Ed on April 8, 2005 11:29 AM

Even funnier than seeing someone piss on an electric fence (something my brother did when I was a kid)....

Watching a young, wet behind the ears, more balls than brains police officer I knew taze himself on the tongue as the result of a dare....

Holy shit...I'm lmfao just thinking about knocked his ass flat on the ground. At first, we were all too scared that he'd killed himself to respond, but once he shook it off, we all busted a gut laughing ourselves silly at him.

Posted by: Catzmeow on April 8, 2005 11:44 AM

Rob, after he pisses on yer lawnmower you gonna make him wash it?

Posted by: DONGER on April 8, 2005 12:57 PM

How close was the guy to the electric fence when he started pissing? It would take a solid stream, with absolutely no breaks, to complete the circuit and give him a shock.
Mythbusters did an episode on this and I think they found that while it's almost impossible, it could happen if you're close enough to the charged wire and you're pissing hard enough.

Posted by: Kirk on April 8, 2005 01:23 PM

I've done pipefitting and vacuum systems. I never hurt myself at any of that.

But I cut the shit out of my hand on a honing machine once. It was totally my own fault. I think the company got checked on its workmans' comp rating or something like that.

Posted by: dipnut on April 8, 2005 02:40 PM

Some people piss harder than others. I heard some guy cut loose in the urinal the other day and it sounded like a goddamn fire hose.

Posted by: dipnut on April 8, 2005 02:43 PM

I did a little research after my post about the electric fence and came across the Mythbusters. Seems they did manage to get shocked! Guess I've been lucky, but then again there was a few feet between the fence and the jewelry. Alright Rob, ya gotta give me three feet if take your bet. Don't forget the Wild Turkey!

Posted by: Ed on April 8, 2005 04:33 PM
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