January 31, 2005
i am gonna run
I think I want to run for President in 2008. I think I'm gonna use "Fuck YOU and get out of my Yard!" as my campaign slogan. I'll being soliciting contributions shortly. I'm gonna need some folding change to cover the bus trips and the balloons, but that's all chump-change. Our bar tab could be serious. I'm gonna ask you to dig deep.
I have my cabinet already chosen. I will, of course, be Commander in Chief, with all the perks that go with the job, including nubile interns who want to cater to my every wish. I can run the country while being nekkid.
My running mate will be this woman, who appears to have a lot in common with me. She's capable of delivering a righteous bitch-slap to someone who needs it, and I don't think she'd worry much about about who she slapped. I want that quality in my President In Charge Of Vice.
Secretary of Defense is easy. Who else but this guy? He knows rubber-band guns and potato mortars. He also would scare the shit out of wimpy Frenchmen and other pussies who don't understand the violence good ole boys accept as normal.
Secretary of State is obviously this guy because he is the kind of unstable, deviant person I want to send to meet with World Leaders. I want to let the world know that everything BAD they ever thought about the United States is TRUE. We ARE crazy sumbitches, and you'd be wise not to piss us off.
My White House advisor? Why this one, of course. I won't listen to a damn thing she says, but I just love getting her attention. She shore is pretty. I might have to call MANY a late-night meeting with her, until we find a really good working relationship.
Press Secretary-- The peoria pundit, because he's the only legitimate journalist that I know who could actually TRY to do a good job on my campaign in spite of the idiocy he saw swirling around him.
Secratary of Education--That's a tough one. But she's my pick. I believe that she's got the starch to hold in my administration, too,
Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall: This is a NEW cabinet position I intend to create just go give a friend a nice, government ride with a big salary. That's gonna be this guy, and he's in charge of White House bartending, too. I think he can handle it.
Ambassador to France: I'm gonna send catfish there and give the French another reason to surrender.
Oh... I also need a set of cheerleaders in skimpy costumes who jump and shout whenever they see me. I'm talking about running an ALL AMERICAN campaign, and what good is that without cheerleaders? If you're interested in a cheerleading position (and a possible seat on the bus, depending on how you treat ME, just call BR-549. We can work out the audition schedule.)
Yep. I think I'm gonna run.
Thanks for nothing. Press secretary is the shittiest job in the White House.
Actually, I am honored, sir. You can be assured, I will do nothing to keep the media from learning about any of the many scandals your administration will create.
.. hot damn... Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall... I'm up for it... and I won't let you down, Mr. President... Scotch all around...
Hey, if I toss in $20 can I run the EPA?
"Today scientists funded by grants from the EPA announced they have developed a new car engine that runs entirely on the rendered fat of baby seals...."
And don't forget Mr DuToit as head of homeland security. "A rifle in every home and a chicken in every pot"
Oh you'll listen... then you'll tell me that while you appreciate my well-reasoned advice, you'd MUCH rather cut off your nose to spite your face.
Thanks for including me in the cabinet though. ; ) At least I get to VOICE my opinion!
Do you think there's a sin in existence that, between the two of us, the media couldn't dig up on our ticket in a heartbeat? And wouldn't it be grand...for one brief and shining moment...to be able to stand up on that podium, look a weasel-faced CBS reporter in the eyes, and say, "Hell, yeah, I done it! Matter of fact, I done it twicet! Matter of fact, I got pictures! Who's next?"
I accept the nomination...and if someone drags your sorry Presidential ass off and shoots it, I will be at the ready to run this nation like it's on rails.
Y'all can count on Queenie.
I shall speak drunkenly and carry a very big stick. Not exactly TR but it'll do. Confirmation could be iffy. I've committed a myriad of crimes. But I've never sucked a dick, so I got that going for me.
Don't forget me if a Supreme Court seat comes up vacant...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Pick me! I want to be...wait for it...
The Official White House Photographer!
Can you imagine the kind of money I'd make selling photos of Presidential escapades to the Enquirer and Star??
"I've committed a mydrid of crimes but,....Never Sucked A Dick!" now that's a campain bumpersticker in the making !
I wanna be da Attoiney General. Terrorist prisoners will not be permitted to be smacked with anything larger than a two by four. One-way trips out of a helicopter door will be reserved for the nastiest of the bunch.
Then, we drink.
Like I said later, I want the A.T.F. job. Perks abound, and I'll supply the cigars for the oval office.
Please, please [Calvin eyes] PUHLEEZE can I have Treasury?
If Kim du Toit doesn't want Homeland Security, he can work for me, confidentially. If he does want DHS, I'm sure he can find a member of the NoR who'll meet me at night in the tunnel across to the White House from time to time.
Now: when decimating the IRS, what's the best way of determining which digit as the last in the social security number gets the ol' gladius across the back of the neck? Computer random number generator? NYC numbers game? Or just match the first goombah who yells out, "You can't do this!"?
Thanks Rob for my new job. I have been cleaning guns for two days, maybe I can get some of our money back, from those lazy ass frenchmen. Chuck will be my right arm.
I don't know if I can nominate anyone but I would suggest this person as Assistant Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall in case the Secretary of Assorted Wherewithall becomes incapacitated.